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“Help Me Get Laid Without Getting Screwed!”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice

It’s time for another round of “Ask the Cuntessa”, and this week’s question comes from a woman who’s inexperienced in the ways of depravity!

“I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 6 months for a toothless pill head, and she looks about 50 years old. But that’s besides the point. His parents want me to stay here and live with them (ex bf is currently in jail for a year) and my ex-husband wants me to come home to him. My problem is, I’m very much in love with my ex boyfriend, even though I will never take him back. And going back to my ex-husband feels like a rebound, and it’s the last thing I want to do when it comes to him. He’s the father of my kids, and I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be with him, but right now is just too soon. My breakup with my ex-boyfriend is still fresh, like a week fresh. And I’m new to this whole ‘Getting Laid Without Getting Screwed’ thing. Please point me in the right direction.”

— Depravity Virgin

Dear DV:

The good news is you’re already in the right direction, you’re asking the expert.  The bad news is that you’re looking to get laid in all the wrong places — namely, your two exes, who sound trailer park tragic.

What you should do first is fuck someone else.  Doesn’t matter if you like him or if he’s into you or the least bit attractive — think of it as a palette cleanser to get the taste of your last boyfriend’s dick out of your mouth.

Then, once you’ve got that out of the way, find yourself a practice guy.  Someone you definitely DON’T like, whom you can practice all sorts of things on, from anything sexual to the rules of depravity.  If you don’t give a shit about him, you can’t get screwed.

THEN, buy my book.  Start with Rule #1.  Come back to me when you’ve successfully completely all 55 rules.

Are you in need of my depraved advice?  Of course you are!   E-mail me here and I just may answer you on the blog!

“I Fell For My F*ck-Buddy”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice

Now that I’m opening up the blog to viewer questions, I’m getting all sorts of doozies — everything from how to approach girls in bars to how to have anal without pooping (enema, darling.)  But one particular question caught my eye.

A depraved reader writes:

I adore your blog and see that you are taking questions.  Lucky me!  I have a conundrum:  I ended a 4 year relationship last year and was looking to start dating again. I ended up sleeping with a friend of a friend for a few months, (the sex is THAT good!) and I accidentally fell for him. The problem is he doesn’t bone me and immediately leave, he loves hanging out and we talk every day and are pretty much dating . . . except for the fact that he refuses to tell our friends. Everyone knows anyway, it’s ridiculous. He says “It just wouldn’t work out.” but we still go on dates and have 3 day long sleepover/sex sessions. What’s going on in this guy’s pea-brain!?!?

— Stuck Good in the Hood

Lemme get this straight — you’re having amazing sex and you’re complaining about it?  Boo-fucking-hoo.  Great sex is something to be cherished and celebrated, not muddied up with stupid shit like feelings and sleepovers.  This is why you should never ever fall for your fuck buddy (one of the cardinal rules of depravity and the subject of an upcoming episode of the Cinemax show.)

Of course, you can’t help how you feel about him any more than he can help being a douchebag.  Don’t try to figure him out.  Just enjoy it for what it is.

You’re already in what sounds like the most amazing non-relationship relationship ever (that seems to consist of nothing but sex, verbal foreplay and more sex), so I would do your best to keep it going.  If you push him to come out of the closet as a couple you can pretty much say goodbye to your marathon fuck sessions.  And then not only will you not have a boyfriend, but you won’t have a fuck buddy anymore either.

Chances are he’ll leave you eventually and then you’ll hit a dry spell and will be wishing you kept his dick in your box for as long as you could.  So what do you then?  Rebound from your rebound, of course!

Are you in need of my depraved advice?  Of course you are!   E-mail me here and I just may answer you on the blog!

This Blog Will Get You Laid

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, men, sex


Remember when I decided to play for the other team and help out a friend who was trying to fuck this 24-year-old receptionist at his work?

Well, thanks to my advice, it totally worked! Dude finally banged her last night and he said it was all because I had told him to go fuck someone else first.

There you go, folks, proof the Rules of Depravity will get you laid. If you or someone you know needs a little advice of their own, you can send your questions to and I’ll answer them here on the blog.  Or if you want to remain anonymous, you can always contact me through Formspring!

Rule #45: Go Forth And F*ck

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, depraved guy, Rule #45: Go Forth And F*ck, sex

sexy couple

I was just talking to one of my Depraved Guy friends (yep, I go both ways when it comes to depraved advice) who is getting p*ssy thrown at him right and left these days — but he really wants to get back together with an ex.

So of course I told him he better pounce on as much ass as he can right now, and then try to re-connect with his ex.  Not only is it going to make him that much more attractive to his former flame (we have a way of just being able to smell the sex on you), but once he’s back in his relationship, you know he’ll only be getting it like once a week, maybe twice a week on birthdays and Christmas.

“Go forth and f*ck, my friend,” I told him.  And indeed he did!

Ask a Depraved Bitch

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, depravity, Facebook, Formspring, Love, sex, Twitter


I’ve recently started answering your sick and sexy questions via Formspring, Facebook and Twitter.

Here’s a little taste of what kinda depravity I’ve been doling out:

Q: My boyfriend recently was injured, he has to wear a back brace when not in bed and an arm sling most of the time for the next 6 to 8 weeks. The doctors told him not to have sex or masturbate for at least 4 to 5 weeks because cumming might actually break his spine. After I was finished laughing I got reallt depressed. It’s been 1 week, neither of us are doing so well. Suggestions?

A: Just because he’s laid up doesn’t mean you can’t get laid! I assume his tongue isn’t in a sling? So sit down on his face and make him get to work!

Q: so me and my guy have been together for a year and we now live together, so sex used to be a frequent thing, now it only happens when HE wants it to happen. what about me? how can i get our sex life back to a mutual thing. -Christina

A: Christina — one question: how are your bj skillz? In my experience, no guy will refuse a hummer, no matter how tired he is. So get to work, then when it’s good ‘n ready, jump on that peen and do your business!

Q: How can you go from being fuck buddies to dating?

A: Right before he slips his peen between your thighs, just close your eyes and imagine you went to dinner first. Cuz that’s the only way you’ll ever get a fuck buddy to date you.

Have you got a question about sex, love or depravity? Ask me here: It’s anonymous!