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“He Says He’s 8 Inches — How Big is he REALLY?”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Ask a Depraved Bitch

penissize

In this edition of “Ask a Depraved Bitch,” a reader wants to know what the actual size of her latest lust is:

I’ve been online stalking some guy who claims to be 8″.  But guys always lie about their height and their penis size, so how big do you think he is really?  Don’t just advise me to fuck him to find out, I wanna know in advance so I don’t waste anymore time thinking about this dick if he’s not up to my standards.

–Size Queen

Dear Size Queen,

Much like the butt sex ratio, there is indeed a penis size ratio.  The average American penis is 5 1/2 inches hard.  Yet most men tell women they are from 7-8 inches.  So I would definitely apply a two-inch deduction to whatever he says.  But there’s really no way to be sure until he whips out his boner.  You don’t have to fuck him per se to find out, but a little bit of a handy never hurt.  Course, if this is a strictly textual relationship, tell him to send you a dick pic posed next to a ruler.  Then you’ll know.

xox

“Should I Still be F*cking My Ex?”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Ask a Depraved Bitch

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ex-sex

In this edition of “Ask a Depraved Bitch,” a reader wants to know if it’s cool to deja-fuck your ex.

So, here’s the problem: I’ve been fucking my ex, the very same asshole that broke my heart and dumped me two days before Christmas (after three years of going back and forth.)

Skipping the “he loves me, he loves me not” bullshit, basically I’m still fucking him.  I still have the keys to his house, I still spend weekends with my daughter at his place…I’ll even go and do his dishes or laundry while hes at work… what the fuck is wrong with me?! He is a douchebag! He’s selfish insensitive and cruel…but the sex is amazing and hes got this way of making me feel needed…

So my friend is soo fed up with my shit and set me up with a long time friend of hers who is a really nice, sweet gentleman… buuut I still want to fuck my ex.

My question(s) are: Do I have to tell either or both if them what’s going on? And should I still even be fucking my ex? Is this a sign he still wants to be with me or am I just his fuck-buddy?

Sincerely, a Desperate and Depressingly Depraved Dip-Shit.

Dear DDDD:

While ex-sex is always complicated (my last deja-fuck turned into a deja-relationship that ended up as a deja-breakup), you absolutely do not have to tell this new guy about the other dicks you’ve been fucking.  Nor do you have to disclose anything about Mr. Nice Guy (who, frankly, sounds like a pussy) to your fuck buddy.

You’re not explicitly exclusive to either of them, so get your freak on while you can.  Just make sure you keep your distance with your ex — no sleepovers, no weekend hangs with your daughter and no doing his dishes … Unless you’re doing them naked in 4-inch stilettoes while he watches with a hard-on.

xox

 

“Should I Pop My Cherry With A F*ck Buddy?”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, Ask a Depraved Bitch

In this edition of “Ask the Cuntessa” a Depraved Virgin wants to know if she should break her hymen with a guy who only wants her for her untouched vag.

“I’m a 25-year-old virgin and I’m tired of it! I’m so frustrated and I know I need to get laid but I get very shy and when the time comes to pop that cherry, I always chicken out.  But I found this guy that I had feelings for in the past who wants to be my fuck buddy now.  But I’m afraid those feelings may come back … what should I do?”

– I Need a Dick Fix

Dear Dick Fix:

I love nothing more than a slutty virgin.  But no matter how much you’d like to think you can f*ck like a man and separate emotions from sex (especially on the first time!) it’s not that easy.

So basically, you have two options:

1. Don’t f*ck your f*ck buddy.  The upside is you won’t get emotionally attached to someone who just wants you for sex.  The downside, of course, is that you still have your v-card and if you continue to wait for a man who’s cherry-pie worthy, you just might end up being a true 40-year-old virgin.

2. F*ck him.  Be fully aware that you will get emotionally involved and most likely heart-broken.  Don’t try to kid yourself into thinking that he will somehow be transformed by this experience and suddenly want to be your dude.  Stock up on plenty of Xanax, vodka, Pinkberry and the entire Sex and the City boxed set, because those are the only things that will get you through the ensuing months.  Pro: you finally got laid!

If what you’re really looking for is a dick fix at any cost, then obviously you go with option 2.

Have fun and don’t forget to bring lots of lube!

“Help an Average Guy Get Laid”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, Ask a Depraved Bitch

Ever since I started blogging about how I was playing for the other team (you know, giving advice to guys), I’ve been inundated with e-mails from guys who want to know how to approach a Depraved Girl.  So in this week’s “Ask the Cuntessa”, I’ve decided it was time they got lucky.

This girl gave me her number.  What should I say in my first text to her?

– Finger Fucked

Hopefully something like “The sex last night was great, can’t wait to fuck you again!”

How does an average guy, who doesn’t have experience “picking-up” women, and doesn’t play games, find and recognize depraved girls, and what is the best way to approach and proposition them?

– Average Joe

You don’t “play games”?  Well, if you want to get laid, you better suit up and get ready, because if you don’t play, you’ll never score.  A girl can easily get laid with a direct approach (“Hi, wanna fuck?” can work like a charm) but a dude needs to finesse that shit a little bit before going in for the kill (or the g-spot, as it were.)

You say you need help identifying a Depraved Girl.  Depraved Girls come in all different shapes, sizes and outfits, so don’t just look for the sluttiest bitch at the bar — sometimes there’s a freak hiding underneath that turtleneck.  Check out what she’s drinking — if it’s a white wine or a Cosmojito — pass.  If she’s at the bar, drinking whiskey straight, there’s a good chance she’s a Depraved Girl.

Every Depraved Girl knows free drinks taste better, so right off the bat, buy her a drink.  If she tries to ditch you for another guy, offer to be her wingman.  Find ways to subtly trash the guy while making it seem like you’re helping her out  “Oh, you love (insert obnoxious indie rock band here)?  She has a weakness for guys with shitty taste in music!”  If she succeeds with the guy, make sure you give her your number in case she needs your wingman services in the future (hoping that she’ll text you if she needs your dick services in the future.) BUT, things may go badly, in which case feel free to say, “look, you can spend the next half hour trying to land a different douche, or you can spend the next half hour getting fucked at my place right now.”

Hey, there’s no shame in sloppy seconds!

What should guys do to get laid (at a bar, bookstore, campus, wherever)?

–Desperately Seeking Poon

Step one: TALK TO A GIRL!  You’d be surprised at how many of us are just waiting for something as simple as a guy just walking up and saying hello.  Of course, there are bonus points if you make us laugh.  And if you’re hot.

Are you in need of my depraved advice?  Of course you are!   Contact me here and I just may answer you on the blog!