Ever since I started blogging about how I was playing for the other team (you know, giving advice to guys), I’ve been inundated with e-mails from guys who want to know how to approach a Depraved Girl. So in this week’s “Ask the Cuntessa”, I’ve decided it was time they got lucky.
This girl gave me her number. What should I say in my first text to her?
— Finger Fucked
Hopefully something like “The sex last night was great, can’t wait to fuck you again!”
How does an average guy, who doesn’t have experience “picking-up” women, and doesn’t play games, find and recognize depraved girls, and what is the best way to approach and proposition them?
— Average Joe
You don’t “play games”? Well, if you want to get laid, you better suit up and get ready, because if you don’t play, you’ll never score. A girl can easily get laid with a direct approach (“Hi, wanna fuck?” can work like a charm) but a dude needs to finesse that shit a little bit before going in for the kill (or the g-spot, as it were.)
You say you need help identifying a Depraved Girl. Depraved Girls come in all different shapes, sizes and outfits, so don’t just look for the sluttiest bitch at the bar — sometimes there’s a freak hiding underneath that turtleneck. Check out what she’s drinking — if it’s a white wine or a Cosmojito — pass. If she’s at the bar, drinking whiskey straight, there’s a good chance she’s a Depraved Girl.
Every Depraved Girl knows free drinks taste better, so right off the bat, buy her a drink. If she tries to ditch you for another guy, offer to be her wingman. Find ways to subtly trash the guy while making it seem like you’re helping her out “Oh, you love (insert obnoxious indie rock band here)? She has a weakness for guys with shitty taste in music!” If she succeeds with the guy, make sure you give her your number in case she needs your wingman services in the future (hoping that she’ll text you if she needs your dick services in the future.) BUT, things may go badly, in which case feel free to say, “look, you can spend the next half hour trying to land a different douche, or you can spend the next half hour getting fucked at my place right now.”
Hey, there’s no shame in sloppy seconds!
What should guys do to get laid (at a bar, bookstore, campus, wherever)?
–Desperately Seeking Poon
Step one: TALK TO A GIRL! You’d be surprised at how many of us are just waiting for something as simple as a guy just walking up and saying hello. Of course, there are bonus points if you make us laugh. And if you’re hot.
Are you in need of my depraved advice? Of course you are! Contact me here and I just may answer you on the blog!