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I ain’t afraid of no GHOSTS

Posted by Rachel Hangover in advice, awkward moments, pussy contract, sex

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Just in time for Halloween, today we are going to talk about that spooky phenomenon that has been the bitter taste on the tip of everyone’s tongue lately:  GHOSTING.  You know what I’m referring to: you meet a guy; you hit it off; you go out maybe once or twice; maybe you sleep with him, maybe not; but you think things are going well and then all out of sudden, he’s nowhere to be found.  You try to text/call = radio silence.  It’s like he’s disappeared into thin air.  He’s vanished and all you have left is the memory of what could have been, haunting you.  You’ve been ghosted and it fucking sucks.

It happens to everyone.  It’s even happened to me and I know for a FACT I’m Totally Awesome.  So instead of screaming WHY?!?!?! (It’s simple) and MEN ARE THE WORST!!!!! (well, that might be true) let’s go over some inconvenient truths.  The reason why you were ghosted is because He’s Just Not That Into You.  It doesn’t matter how deep a connection you felt or how great a time you thought y’all were having.  He’s just not that into you.  If you call him out, he may give you some excuse like work has been crazy, or he’s dealing with some family shit, or he just needs time to figure out what he wants.  Those things may all be true.  But what he doesn’t want is you.

The fact of the matter is, men who love someone and want to be with that person, will do everything in their power to make that happen.  If he’s not putting in the effort, he just doesn’t care.  And he doesn’t really want to explain to you why you’re not the one.  He probably doesn’t even know why.  He’s just not feeling it, and he wants to avoid an awkward or potentially painful conversation.  So he just peaces out and leaves you wondering if you did something wrong.  You didn’t.  You’re fine.  You’re lovely in fact.

Which brings me to my second point.  Ghosting is lazy.  It’s tacky.  It’s rude and inconsiderate.  It is not how a gentleman behaves.  So why in the fuck would you want to be with someone who is not a gentleman and doesn’t want to be with you??  Never spend any time or energy on someone who doesn’t spend the same on you.  Stop worrying about why it happened or whining about the fact it happened it all and move the fuck on.  In the immortal words of two chill dudes named Wayne and Garth: “Get over it.  Go out with someone else.”  Put your big girl panties on; hell buy some sexy new ones even; and get to swiping girl.

Because the unfortunate thing is that it looks like ghosting is here to stay.  In a world where we can order up a person on an app and find out everything we need to know about someone online without actually having to get to know them, we just don’t need to waste time on someone who isn’t right.  There are just too many other options.  So explore those other options immediately.  There are good guys out there.  You’ll find one.  (You’re gonna need some extra luck and patience if you live in Los Angeles.  Godspeed.)

P.S.  The guy who ghosted you might try down the line to get back in your life.  Suddenly he’s back from the dead. That’s when a ghost becomes a zombie.   And we all know what to do with zombies: aim for the head and destroy that motherfucker before he fucks your shit up or infects your friends.  Happy Halloween, my depraved ones.  Do your tricks and get your treats.

 

P.S. I’m A Squirter

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in awkward moments, sex

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Way before I realized that there are literally over a million porn videos dedicated to the elusive female ejaculator, I was a confused middle-schooler who thought she was pissing her NKOTB sheets when she decided to explore her lady parts with the business end of an electric toothbrush for the first time.

Now, I’m not exactly known for having a strong bladder. Just ask the bike cop who busted me for Molly at a Groove Armada show. He had to throw those urine soaked shoes away and pedal barefoot the rest of the night. At least I assume he did, I don’t know, I was too busy grabbing my ankles and coughing in jail. Point is, it wasn’t crazy for me to assume in the pre-youporn days that I was giving myself a golden shower every time I had an orgasm.

Cut to my first sexual experience. I was so afraid of peeing all over my v-card puncher that I barely opened my legs. Finding out from my older, dangerous cousin who had already been in 3 rehabs at 19 that it was actually something called FEMALE EJACULATION didn’t make me any more relaxed. Like, what guy would want something like that to happen on him?

Turns out, EVERY GUY.

As I got more comfortable exploring my sexuality (and half the guys on my study abroad program) I started being upfront about my ability to get wet and wild while getting it on. When the clothes came off and the condom came on, I’d whisper “P.S., I’m a squirter.” They fucking loved it. They couldn’t get enough of my squirting. It’s not like you can fake an orgasm like that. Having sex with me was like buying a season pass to Raging Waters, but with less dirty diapers on the ground.

It was great for a while, but then the pressure started to get to me. I couldn’t perform every single time. With one guy, to whom I confessed my sitch early on, I couldn’t perform at all. He tried so hard that I started to feel bad for him. Then I started to feel bad for myself. Oral is no longer fun after an hour of rug munching. One night, after I had a little too much to drink, I just wanted it to end. So as soon as he put his finger inside me, I just let go.

Unfortunately, I let go of my bladder and peed all over him for reals. To this day, he still says it was the most intense orgasm he ever witnessed.

The Morning After

Posted by Rachel Hangover in awkward moments, sex, Uncategorized

HangoverUgh.  That feel when you wake up and you know you shouldn’t have kissed him last night but you did.  And it’s done now and you can’t undo it.  And who knows if you even want to.  Who knows anything?  What the fuck WAS that?

The fact of the matter is you wanted him to stay.  Even though you were the one who pulled away and said it was weird and incestuous, you wanted him to stay.  And maybe it’s just because it’s December, and you both just really needed someone to snuggle and make out with.  And maybe it’s just because it felt so nice to snuggle and love on someone you actually give a fuck about.  Someone whose opinion matters to you.  Someone who roots for you and who – oh, goddamnit – makes you better.  Maybe it was just really nice to spend some time with someone who is more intelligent than you.

And maybe it IS weird and incestuous.  But who really cares if you hooked up with his brother?  That was years ago and you don’t feel anything for him anymore other than loving the fuck out of that whole family.  And who cares that he’s hooked up with more than one of your friends?  That’s what happens when you know someone for over ten years.  Maybe it’s not weird at all and you’re making a bigger deal out of it than you need to.  You are DEFINITELY over thinking it, like you always do, but you can’t help it because the contact solution and lens case that you got out for him last night are staring you in the face, forcing you to be honest with yourself:  You tried to get him to stay.  You really wanted him to stay.  But he didn’t because he’s more intelligent than you.

And you just feel weird because you don’t know what, if anything, you want from him.  All you know is that you want to create art with him and even though one of your best friends thinks you should also create babies with him, you don’t know if you want that ever and it’s all just very confusing.  So it goes.  It is what it is.  And you must remember this: a kiss is just a kiss.  And it’s been a long December.  Maybe this year will be better than the last.  The feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls.  And the days go by so fast.  Who knows anything?  Snuggles and kisses are just the best, so no regrets.

Sometimes it Just Needs to be Said

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in awkward moments

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in awkward moments

That awkward moment at the party when your gay best friend is showing you pictures of dicks on his iPhone and you have to pretend to be scandalized in front of your uptight co-worker.