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Rule #53: Eat My Ass

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in ass, butt, orgasms, sex

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While this is a phrase I’ve caught myself using during frequent fits of road rage, most of the time I really just want to yell this at whatever guy has his face buried in my snatch.

Oral sex is nice and all, but if you want me to scream and writhe around in bed like I’m being exorcised, eating my ass is most definitely the way to go about doing it. I don’t want anything IN my butthole, but for some reason having a guy’s tongue ON it takes me to the next level when it comes to orgasms. And this plus a vibrator on my clit? Ha! That makes me cum so hard I actually laugh uncontrollably afterwards, which is how I know it’s really a good one.

As far as ass eating goes, there are definitely some rules. I will only let a guy do this if I’ve shaved and showered within the last two hours, and if I even so much as fart, it’s off. The funny thing is, I’ve actually never demanded that guy to do this to me. Usually they just offer or if they ask what I like and I’ll bashfully tell them, but act like I am embarrassed about it because I’m super loud. Of course, they want to hear me scream, so they can’t resist…

Rule #39: If A Guy Is Wearing Girl Jeans – Run

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in ass, butt, denim, designer, jeans

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I may spend $200 bucks on denim that makes a guy think of nothing but getting in my back door when he sees how great they make my ass look, but there are only three explanations for a man wearing designer denim:

1. He’s gay.

2. He’s Persian/Russian/Italian/Armenian (insert your ethnic stereotype here).

3. He’s bad in bed.

I once went out with a guy who was wearing the trifecta of over-compensation: True Religion Jeans, Uggs and diamond studs in his ears.

I should have known better but I was horny, he was otherwise hot and my vibe was on the fritz. So I fucked him.

Correction — I sat on top of him for two pumps before he showed me an O-face uglier than the one your dog makes when he’s taking a shit.

And I’m not the only one who’s gotten fucked when she wanted to get screwed by a guy in designer denim. My friend T is particularly adept at attracting guys who sport girl-butt and it never works out for her. Usually all they want from her is a bj (she’s got amazing cock-sucking lips) but when she insists on doing the do, she either gets a guy with a tiny peen, a two-pump chump, or someone who can’t get off without a finger or a fist up his ass.