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Rule # 58: Just Because He’s Paying For Dinner Doesn’t Mean You’re Not A Booty Call

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, men, sex

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Up until my mid-twenties, it was pretty easy to draw the line between a guy who had boyfriend potential versus a guy you’d bang at 2am after drinking too much tequila. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found it trickier to determine whether a guy is serious about me or simply using me for sex.

To me, there’s three types of guys: a fuck buddy, a guy you date non-exclusively (that is, until someone decides to end it or stop seeing other people), and a committed boyfriend. Fuck buddies don’t always snuggle with you or spend the night, and you seldom have to worry about who’s paying for dinner, because the only thing you’re eating is each other’s genitals. At the opposite end of the spectrum, guys who want to settle down let you know you’re the only one they’re sleeping with, so the real grey area is the guys you’re dating.

Dating can encompass everything from being a fuck buddy to being close to settling down, and if a guy thinks there’s a chance he might like you as something more than a piece of ass, he’ll put in a minimal amount of effort until he figures out what he wants. And even if he finds that he only wants to fuck around, he will still take you out to dinner if he knows it’s a surefire way to get in your pants. If he knows he can get away with booty calling you at midnight, he’ll do it, but as we get older, we’re willing to put up with far less shit, so as a result, guys are willing to do more shit to make us believe that they’re not total scumbags.

Rule #56: Ditch Him If He Doesn’t Go Down On You Every Time

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, orgasms, sex, vagina

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The ONLY exceptions to this rule are:

a) if you have your period
b) if you have a yeast infection
c) if you’ve just had sex and you’re covered in lube/a mixture of both of your bodily fluids
d) if he has a cold sore

I think that just about covers it. Even if your booty call caught you off guard and you haven’t shaved your cooch in weeks, a guy should always be pulling your underwear off and going to town.

It’s an essential part of foreplay, so don’t ever let a guy make you think that him licking you is a “special” thing either. A “special” thing is him buying you a new Marc Jacobs bag or writing you a two page love note telling you you’re the woman he wants to marry. Oral sex is a turn on and it makes intercourse far more pleasurable, so if a guy isn’t doing it, it’s safe to say he doesn’t care about getting you off. And simply put, you shouldn’t be getting naked with someone who doesn’t want to make you come.

Of the handful of men I’ve slept with, I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum. There were a few guys who made it obvious that they LOVED licking me, but I was with one guy for two years who never once did it. EVER! I was young and stupid and didn’t realize that this unacceptable bedroom behavior, and though he redeemed himself when we rekindled our romance 7 years later, never again will I put myself in that position.

Word of the Day: Dickdrunk

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, lust, sex

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Dickdrunk (adjective): Being affected by a man’s dick to the extent of losing control of one’s faculties or behavior.

Example: I was so dickdrunk I drove to his house and banged on his door begging for sex until the cops came.

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Toys Aren’t Just For Kids!

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, fuck, orgasms

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So don’t be afraid to bust one out during sex!

The first few times I’m intimate with someone this doesn’t even cross my mind because I’m enjoying the experience and getting used to the feeling of it all. However, after I spend more time with a guy, I feel more comfortable letting myself go. And we all know how tricky it is to get me off, so usually this doesn’t happen unless there’s a fully-charged vibrator thrown into the mix.

The first time I ever attempted this, it was the guy’s idea, and I was so nervous I couldn’t even come. I felt like I was on the spot and I had actually never gotten off with/in front of a guy before, so I froze. I was 24. The next time this happened was with Heartbreaker, and we had been together for a few months, so it was a lot less nerve wracking. After a while, it ended up becoming a pretty regular part of our bedroom routine, especially when the infamous Liberator was involved. Tall, Dark and Handsome suggested it a few times when we were hooking up, but I wasn’t ready to scream in front of him just yet. That and I seem to have misplaced the charger for my Lelo, and only one of the prongs on my Jopen vibe works, so it seemed like too much of a hassle to explain. But I was getting close to that point with him, so if we had continued seeing each other for a few more weeks, he would have finally gotten to see my O face.

And that’s the thing: If you’re not completely comfortable with someone, don’t do it. It’s normal to be nervous until you reach a certain level of intimacy and the goal is to feel good, not embarrassed. But once you are ready, don’t think for one second that any man will find it emasculating if you use your toy in front of them. And if they do, dump them immediately.

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, dating and awkward moments in the bedroom.

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Don’t Tell Me To Touch Myself

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, fuck, How-To, orgasms, sex

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Please don’t tell me to touch myself when we’re getting it on.

I don’t need to be the boss, but I’m not big on men making demands of me in the bedroom. I’d like to think that we’re equals, and if you have a specific request, there are reasonable ways to ask.

When we’re naked in bed and you’re kissing my neck and we’re about to take it to the next level, the quickest way to kill the mood is to whisper in my ear, “I want you to play with your pussy.” First of all, the word pussy is just…ugh. Don’t! Second, ordering me to masturbate on command makes me cringe. It’s pretty difficult to get me off unless you’ve been going down on me for a few minutes (or unless there’s a toy involved), but if you’re watching me rub myself and I feel like I have to put on a show, it’s the least pleasurable thing ever. It’s not going make me orgasm, and I’m a terrible actress, so all it’s going to do is make me look and feel stupid.

If I want to play with myself during sex, you’ll know…or you can just take charge and grab my vibrator out of my top drawer. That’s the guaranteed way to make me scream…and you don’t even have to ask!

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, love and dating douchebags.

What’s Better Than Sex?

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, sex

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When Heather introduced me last week, she mentioned that I had come straight from the gynecologist’s stirrups.  I only like spreading my legs when I know I’m about to get a primo poundfest, but the one thing I obsess over more than sex is getting answers.  And I know the gyno is the one place where I can go to find out what’s 100% real and what’s not. Even psychics can’t guarantee those kinds of numbers!

After ending things with yet another doucheboat (douchebag + dreamboat, which is seriously half of the men in Los Angeles), I was a little concerned that some of our amazing, condom-less sex might have left me with more than just fond memories of our naked romps in the bedroom. Every time I hook up or break up with a guy, I somehow manage to convince myself that I have herpes, even though I’ve never had a single symptom or a positive reaction on a blood test. Just to play it on the safe side, I always get tested in between partners.

I had been tested before my latest lover and I was fine, but since we weren’t using protection after we had “the talk” and I didn’t see his test results on paper, I knew there was a small chance that I could have the herp. Apparently 1 in 5 people have HSV2 (the genital kind), and of those 20%, up to 80% of them never show signs, so you do the math. It’s fucking terrifying. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I also know of two females who got herpes on their vaginas from a guy who only tested positive for HSV1 (the oral kind). You CAN get HSV1 on your mouth and down south, but it’s kind of a perfect storm situation to get them on your cooch. I’ll write all about that some other time, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m seriously considering using dental dams. I don’t know what’s more alarming: the thought of getting an untreatable STD that causes painful blisters or the thought of having completely terrible oral sex because there’s essentially a piece of saran wrap between my clit and my man’s tongue…

And that’s the thing. Even if you’ve figured out who he’s banged over the years, examined his dick with a magnifying glass and he’s showed you his test on paper, you never know until you get the good word from your gyno. And that usually comes in the mail (or in my case, via an e-mail attachment of my lab results). If they call, it’s never a good thing. But either way, at least you know for sure! I do now…and I’m happy to report that I am totally disease-free.

Want more from Elisabeth?  Check out her blog at singlegirlproblems.com!

Sometimes it’s Sexier With Your Clothes On

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in clothes, fuck, sex

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I know men are very visual mother-fuckers and love to see the whole butt-naked, spread-eagled package before they get down to business. But sometimes I think sex is so much hotter when most of your clothes are still on.

Maybe it reminds me of grade school when I had to sneak in a quickie with my first boyfriend before my mom made it to the top of the stairs with the milk and cookies, but there’s just something so very naughty about the simple unzipping of a fly, and pulling down of the panties before you stick it in that gets me nice and moist.

It’s like, you’re so hot for your guy, you can’t even wait for him to pull his pants down before you need to put the p in the v.

So ladies, the next time you’re gearing up for some sexy time with your man (or that random dirty hot dude who’s been eye-fucking you from the end of the bar), wear a skirt, ditch the knickers, and take nothing off before you get off.

Rule #33: Sometimes a Girl Just Needs a Good F*ck

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in dtf, fuck, sex

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I have this friend, we’ll call her M, who is hot, smart, successful and totally DTF. But she can never find a guy who will give it to her good on a regular basis!

It seems like a woman who wants some NSA sex on a regular basis would be every guy’s dream, but instead, her encounters turn out to be a nightmare (he can’t get it up, he just wants to “cuddle”, etc.) Or the ones she meets who ARE willing to stick it to her good are usually some kind of fetish freaks. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a little spanking, whipping and role-playing now and then, but she’s definitely not into the furries.

Are guys so intimidated by a girl who’s totally blunt about the fact that she just wants a good fuck that they can’t perform?

Well, if there ARE any dicks out there who willing, able, reasonably normal (looks-wise and sexual preference-wise) and in the LA area, post a link to your FB page and maybe she’ll hit you up.