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Rule #56: Ditch Him If He Doesn’t Go Down On You Every Time

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, orgasms, sex, vagina

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The ONLY exceptions to this rule are:

a) if you have your period
b) if you have a yeast infection
c) if you’ve just had sex and you’re covered in lube/a mixture of both of your bodily fluids
d) if he has a cold sore

I think that just about covers it. Even if your booty call caught you off guard and you haven’t shaved your cooch in weeks, a guy should always be pulling your underwear off and going to town.

It’s an essential part of foreplay, so don’t ever let a guy make you think that him licking you is a “special” thing either. A “special” thing is him buying you a new Marc Jacobs bag or writing you a two page love note telling you you’re the woman he wants to marry. Oral sex is a turn on and it makes intercourse far more pleasurable, so if a guy isn’t doing it, it’s safe to say he doesn’t care about getting you off. And simply put, you shouldn’t be getting naked with someone who doesn’t want to make you come.

Of the handful of men I’ve slept with, I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum. There were a few guys who made it obvious that they LOVED licking me, but I was with one guy for two years who never once did it. EVER! I was young and stupid and didn’t realize that this unacceptable bedroom behavior, and though he redeemed himself when we rekindled our romance 7 years later, never again will I put myself in that position.

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Toys Aren’t Just For Kids!

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, fuck, orgasms

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So don’t be afraid to bust one out during sex!

The first few times I’m intimate with someone this doesn’t even cross my mind because I’m enjoying the experience and getting used to the feeling of it all. However, after I spend more time with a guy, I feel more comfortable letting myself go. And we all know how tricky it is to get me off, so usually this doesn’t happen unless there’s a fully-charged vibrator thrown into the mix.

The first time I ever attempted this, it was the guy’s idea, and I was so nervous I couldn’t even come. I felt like I was on the spot and I had actually never gotten off with/in front of a guy before, so I froze. I was 24. The next time this happened was with Heartbreaker, and we had been together for a few months, so it was a lot less nerve wracking. After a while, it ended up becoming a pretty regular part of our bedroom routine, especially when the infamous Liberator was involved. Tall, Dark and Handsome suggested it a few times when we were hooking up, but I wasn’t ready to scream in front of him just yet. That and I seem to have misplaced the charger for my Lelo, and only one of the prongs on my Jopen vibe works, so it seemed like too much of a hassle to explain. But I was getting close to that point with him, so if we had continued seeing each other for a few more weeks, he would have finally gotten to see my O face.

And that’s the thing: If you’re not completely comfortable with someone, don’t do it. It’s normal to be nervous until you reach a certain level of intimacy and the goal is to feel good, not embarrassed. But once you are ready, don’t think for one second that any man will find it emasculating if you use your toy in front of them. And if they do, dump them immediately.

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, dating and awkward moments in the bedroom.

Rule #53: Eat My Ass

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in ass, butt, orgasms, sex

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While this is a phrase I’ve caught myself using during frequent fits of road rage, most of the time I really just want to yell this at whatever guy has his face buried in my snatch.

Oral sex is nice and all, but if you want me to scream and writhe around in bed like I’m being exorcised, eating my ass is most definitely the way to go about doing it. I don’t want anything IN my butthole, but for some reason having a guy’s tongue ON it takes me to the next level when it comes to orgasms. And this plus a vibrator on my clit? Ha! That makes me cum so hard I actually laugh uncontrollably afterwards, which is how I know it’s really a good one.

As far as ass eating goes, there are definitely some rules. I will only let a guy do this if I’ve shaved and showered within the last two hours, and if I even so much as fart, it’s off. The funny thing is, I’ve actually never demanded that guy to do this to me. Usually they just offer or if they ask what I like and I’ll bashfully tell them, but act like I am embarrassed about it because I’m super loud. Of course, they want to hear me scream, so they can’t resist…

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Don’t Tell Me To Touch Myself

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, fuck, How-To, orgasms, sex

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Please don’t tell me to touch myself when we’re getting it on.

I don’t need to be the boss, but I’m not big on men making demands of me in the bedroom. I’d like to think that we’re equals, and if you have a specific request, there are reasonable ways to ask.

When we’re naked in bed and you’re kissing my neck and we’re about to take it to the next level, the quickest way to kill the mood is to whisper in my ear, “I want you to play with your pussy.” First of all, the word pussy is just…ugh. Don’t! Second, ordering me to masturbate on command makes me cringe. It’s pretty difficult to get me off unless you’ve been going down on me for a few minutes (or unless there’s a toy involved), but if you’re watching me rub myself and I feel like I have to put on a show, it’s the least pleasurable thing ever. It’s not going make me orgasm, and I’m a terrible actress, so all it’s going to do is make me look and feel stupid.

If I want to play with myself during sex, you’ll know…or you can just take charge and grab my vibrator out of my top drawer. That’s the guaranteed way to make me scream…and you don’t even have to ask!

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, love and dating douchebags.

Orgasms: The Cure for the Common Cold

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in cold, common, cure, orgasms


I have a guy friend who swears that shooting off a wad helps cure his cold.  I guess it’s just something about flushing out those fluids.

Well, I recently had the opportunity to test his theory since I’ve had the nastiest cold for almost a week.  Hot, right?  Yeah, my boyfriend doesn’t really think so either, so I’ve been left to my own devices to try this home remedy.

Last night, I pulled out one of said devices, and despite having to pause every minute or so for the violent cough that wracked my body, I was able to get off.

I swear, for the next hour, I didn’t cough once.  Not once!

Course, I’m not feeling so great today, so I guess I’ll just have to spend some time trying this cure again tonight…