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I ain’t afraid of no GHOSTS

Posted by Rachel Hangover in advice, awkward moments, pussy contract, sex

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Just in time for Halloween, today we are going to talk about that spooky phenomenon that has been the bitter taste on the tip of everyone’s tongue lately:  GHOSTING.  You know what I’m referring to: you meet a guy; you hit it off; you go out maybe once or twice; maybe you sleep with him, maybe not; but you think things are going well and then all out of sudden, he’s nowhere to be found.  You try to text/call = radio silence.  It’s like he’s disappeared into thin air.  He’s vanished and all you have left is the memory of what could have been, haunting you.  You’ve been ghosted and it fucking sucks.

It happens to everyone.  It’s even happened to me and I know for a FACT I’m Totally Awesome.  So instead of screaming WHY?!?!?! (It’s simple) and MEN ARE THE WORST!!!!! (well, that might be true) let’s go over some inconvenient truths.  The reason why you were ghosted is because He’s Just Not That Into You.  It doesn’t matter how deep a connection you felt or how great a time you thought y’all were having.  He’s just not that into you.  If you call him out, he may give you some excuse like work has been crazy, or he’s dealing with some family shit, or he just needs time to figure out what he wants.  Those things may all be true.  But what he doesn’t want is you.

The fact of the matter is, men who love someone and want to be with that person, will do everything in their power to make that happen.  If he’s not putting in the effort, he just doesn’t care.  And he doesn’t really want to explain to you why you’re not the one.  He probably doesn’t even know why.  He’s just not feeling it, and he wants to avoid an awkward or potentially painful conversation.  So he just peaces out and leaves you wondering if you did something wrong.  You didn’t.  You’re fine.  You’re lovely in fact.

Which brings me to my second point.  Ghosting is lazy.  It’s tacky.  It’s rude and inconsiderate.  It is not how a gentleman behaves.  So why in the fuck would you want to be with someone who is not a gentleman and doesn’t want to be with you??  Never spend any time or energy on someone who doesn’t spend the same on you.  Stop worrying about why it happened or whining about the fact it happened it all and move the fuck on.  In the immortal words of two chill dudes named Wayne and Garth: “Get over it.  Go out with someone else.”  Put your big girl panties on; hell buy some sexy new ones even; and get to swiping girl.

Because the unfortunate thing is that it looks like ghosting is here to stay.  In a world where we can order up a person on an app and find out everything we need to know about someone online without actually having to get to know them, we just don’t need to waste time on someone who isn’t right.  There are just too many other options.  So explore those other options immediately.  There are good guys out there.  You’ll find one.  (You’re gonna need some extra luck and patience if you live in Los Angeles.  Godspeed.)

P.S.  The guy who ghosted you might try down the line to get back in your life.  Suddenly he’s back from the dead. That’s when a ghost becomes a zombie.   And we all know what to do with zombies: aim for the head and destroy that motherfucker before he fucks your shit up or infects your friends.  Happy Halloween, my depraved ones.  Do your tricks and get your treats.

 

When is it Ok to Cancel the P*ssy Contract?

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in pussy contract

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If you’re a guy, you probably think “never” but ladies, there are some several valid reasons for pulling out of a verbal or implied agreement to knock boots.

1. Surprise body hair.

I once drove over 20 miles for a booty call, only to puss out on the cock once he pulled off his shirt and his body hair literally popped out like a can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls.

2. He doesn’t know how to eat the puss.

If you’re in stage 3 foreplay and the guy goes down like a dog licking peanut butter (i.e. sloppy and all over the place) it might be a preview of what he’s gonna do with his peen. It’s totally acceptable to get the fuck out of there before you spend the night having bad sex when your perfectly orgasmic vibrator is waiting for you at home.

3. You just fucking changed your mind.

Let’s face it, cuntinis, we ARE women and we like to change our mind a gazillion times about what pair of shoes we’re wearing out — and those just go on our feet. Like my friend, Special K (yes, her) you may have found yourself feeling like you want to make a fuck out of a friend, until you get back to your place and it’s all weird and shit. She cancelled the contract that night, but then had second thoughts. Sure, she’s the one who aborted the fuck mission, but for all he knows she was bleeding out of her vag more than Charlie Sheen’s nose after a bender. She texted him the next day but he never returned … guess some guys just can’t take rejection, even if it is temporary.