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Rule #63: Never Confuse a Fuckbuddy with a Snugglebuddy

Posted by Rachel Hangover in RULE, Uncategorized

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snuggle

A couple weeks back, on a lazy weekday evening, I was lying in my bed, feeling bored. I was watching Amy Schumer episodes and my insatiable appetite for carbs told me I would bleed in a few days. I suddenly had an overwhelming desire for company. I wanted snuggles. Cuddles. Some rubbin’ and some lovin’. Obviously this was not something I could call the rockstar in for, so I opted to reach out to a young pretty boy actor who I’d recently befriended and befucked. We were day drinking when we met; it turned into night drinking. It turned into going back to my place and having good sex several times. And then it turned into nuzzling and cuddling until we both fell asleep. And that was really all I wanted. The nuzzling and cuddling. But if I had to have some sex to get it, well so be it.

I texted him and he said he was busy, but would hit me up in a bit. A few hours went by, and he said he was still in the middle of stuff, but he could swing by later. Cool. A few more hours went by, and he said he’d be over soon. By now it was getting very late. When he finally arrived, he couldn’t figure out how to buzz himself into my apartment. I should’ve known something was up then, but I went to the front door to let him in. The door swung open to reveal him grinning at me sheepishly. “I’m SOOO drunk!”, He announced. Greeeeaat. I was completely sober and just wanted some damn snuggles.

So we proceeded to have really bad, fumbly, awkward sex. If you have to say to a girl, more than once, “it’s hard enough”, no, honey. It’s not. I would have been better off calling a platonic friend and snuggling up and watching a movie. But if anything, I blame myself. Because I wasn’t clear about what I wanted. You can never ever expect a man to know what you want; especially the young pups. You have to tell them. I shouldn’t have thought a guy I’ve never had anything but drunken sex with to have any idea that I wanted anything other than that. So I take the blame for this less than stellar experience and I was eager to give this pretty young thing a chance to redeem himself. He was very apologetic and is aware that he ‘made the blog’ in a negative way and from what I understand he has quit drinking. Awesome. I’m super stoked that I helped someone decide to make healthier choices. Something new and different for me. And I ended up being the first girl with whom he had sober sex. Ever. Something new and different for him. Yay for positive changes!

You have to always remember to be very up front about what your needs and desires are, with any partner, sexual or otherwise.  Why waste your time and/or end up getting frustrated when you can just be honest?  My experience with Pretty Young Thing just reiterated that no matter how well you know someone, if you’re being ‘intimate’ with them, then get intimate instead of getting disappointed.  I’m just happy we both ended up getting something that we needed and wanted.  Cheers to that.  Now excuse me while I go snuggle the shit out of someone.  You should too.

Rule #62: What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Thinner

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in RULE

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whatdoesntkillyou

One Large non-fat latte: 120 calories
One Small Pinkberry Plain: 140 calories
Four Xantinis (Xanax crushed into a martini): 500 calories

That’s what I ate every single day for a month after my last breakup. It wasn’t intentional, but I was on the best weight-loss plan ever. I was on the breakup diet.

Some girls might go the other way and gorge themselves on Ben & Jerry’s and Sex and the City reruns, but getting dumped would always give me that horrible pit in my stomach (which my friends and I simply referred to as “the pit”) that filled me up in a way that a large pepperoni pizza never did.

And it wasn’t just the lack of eating that was making me runway-ready. After my ex crushed my heart like he used to crush up his Ritalin, I started taking the stairs to work — not to get in a mini-workout, but just to avoid human contact for as long as possible. Misery may love company but depression just wants to be alone.

I would also unintentionally skip meals at night – when you take a sleeping pill at 8pm so you can conk out and dodge dealing with your feelings, you tend not to eat dinner.

I even started to crave the pangs of hunger that would lap up at me in the middle of my 300 calorie day. I’d rather feel anything other than a broken heart and you can control hunger – you can’t control your cheating boyfriend leaving you for a stripper who works at Cheetah’s.

It got so bad that one time a friend literally tried to force-feed me a Happy Meal. “You are what you eat,” she said as she shoved a fry into my mouth. I simply smiled, swallowed, then went into the bathroom and purged.

But my experience was nothing compared to my good friend M’s. I call her a yo-yo breakup dieter because whenever she was in a relationship, she would get comfortable. Really comfortable, as in elastic waistband comfortable. And imagine exactly how comfortable she got when she met the man of her dreams.

Her boyfriend would take her binge eating as a sign of depression, conclude that he was making her unhappy and unhealthy and breakup with her.

She’d then go on a diet of nothing but cigarettes and red wine and one apple a day and the pounds would just fall off. Within a week, she was not only fitting in to her skinny jeans, they were almost falling off of her.

Then she would invariably run into her ex at some mutual friend’s party, the neighborhood supermarket or the gym. He’d be so impressed with her weight-loss, take it as a sign that she was now happy and healthy (which was the opposite of the truth, but she wasn’t about to correct him), and they’d start dating again.

This went on about three or four different times until they decided they had to end the cycle once and for all. Naturally, they decided to get married.

My friend promptly ballooned up like Kylie’ Jenner’s lower lip. It took all of one year and 70 pounds for them to get a divorce.

She was devastated. I told her not to despair, that she’d find someone else, but she wasn’t ready to think about another guy so soon. Plus, she wanted to reap the one benefit that came with the dissolution of her marriage. “Divorce is the biggest breakup there is,” she told me over a bottle of red wine and a pack of cigarettes one night, “I’m going to be skinnier than Kate Moss!”

So are we destined to be skinny and alone or fat and in a relationship? Not necessarily. I met my current bf about three months and negative ten pounds into my last non-eating plan. I’m now happily ten pounds overweight. He says he loves my curves. But last night, when he caught me downing an entire half-gallon of Carmela’s dark chocolate sorbet, he looked at my fat cupcaking over the side of my pants and said, “Honey, tomorrow we have to talk.” I get the sinking feeling that I may be ready for bikini season a lot sooner than I thought.

Rule #59: Don’t Send Naked Pics Until He’s Seen You Naked

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in RULE

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naked-selfie

Call me a prude, but in the age of Tinder and Snapchat, it’s easy for communication to go from flirty to slutty with a single text. So how do you maintain your modesty in the digital age?

You can still be cheeky with your words and photos, but if you aren’t ready for a man to see your pussy in the flesh, don’t send him a picture of it. Once he’s gotten the goods, fire away, but if you press send on an XXX snapshot too quickly, he could assume that’s all you’re good for.

However, if you are only pursuing him as a human dildo, ignore everything I’ve just said.

Rule #55: Send Him a YouPorn Clip of a Position You Like

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in RULE

I only watch porn about 8-10 times a year, and while it’s not really my thing, it’s a great way to educate yourself about new positions and techniques…and just how much you should be bleaching your asshole. Every great once in a while I watch it because it turns me on, but like most girls, it’s not a ritual for me.

However, most normal adult males have seen more than their fair share of adult films (i.e., they watch it daily or at the very least weekly), so not only are they going to get hard from the thought of you checking out XXX clips online, but if you send them a link to something you think you might enjoy, you’re basically programming them to do exactly what you want as soon as you walk in the door later that night.

It’s easy to tell your partner how you want to be licked or fucked, but when it comes to sex, it’s often more helpful to see something before you try it out. And if you sit down together and watch a video of two attractive naked people going at it, odds are you’re not going to be turned off by it either, so that’s always a plus. If nothing else, it’s a good way to spice things up in the bedroom.

Note: If you’re too repulsed by the thought of stumbling across a girl with jizz up her nose and a fist in her ass, look for “romantic porn” on any of the major free sites (RedTube, YouPorn, PornHub etc.), and you’ll be able to avoid most of the gross stuff. Oh, and when you’re done, be sure to clear your search history!

Rule# 52: Good Things Come In Threesomes

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, RULE, sex, threesome

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ruleofthrees

Two is great but three is better, especially when it comes to sex.

If you haven’t tried a threesome yet … what the fuck are you waiting for?  As a woman, it’s not hard to get a hot dude home with you if you’re offering up the opportunity for him to bang you AND your hot friend.  And I’d always recommend a two-girls on three guys set-up, you don’t want to be caught in a devil’s horn threesome with two guys sword-fighting over your vag, or worse, more interested in each other than they are in you.

But you know what’s better than a threesome?  A throuple.  Not only do you get all the perks of a threesome, you also have someone to fuck when one of the parties has whiskey dick/the screaming shits/just isn’t feeling it … or you have a proxy to fuck for you when you’re the one who’s incapacitated.

My friend S has been enjoying the benefits of being in a long distance throuple … which means when she comes to town, it’s all about her and she never has to do the dishes.  Fucking genius.

 

Rule #51: What You Don’t Know May Give You Herpes

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in RULE

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The worst thing about new fucks is not knowing what the hell is going on in their heads.  That’s why I am a big proponent of using whatever means necessary to get information (stalking, bribing his friends, checking his texts) because what you don’t know may actually give you an STD.

That’s why my fellow depraved friend Elisabeth (read her blog here) always schedules a visit with the gyno when any exclusive (i.e. condomless) relationship ends – whether as the result of a guy cheating, or just a suspicious sudden stop in communication.

Because the only thing worse than a relationship going south is a herpes breakout down south.

Speaking of my depraved friend Elisabeth, she’s going to become a regular contributor to this blog.  Show her some love on singlegirlproblems.com and check back here tomorrow for the first of many of her depraved posts!