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Rule #56: Ditch Him If He Doesn’t Go Down On You Every Time

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, orgasms, sex, vagina

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The ONLY exceptions to this rule are:

a) if you have your period
b) if you have a yeast infection
c) if you’ve just had sex and you’re covered in lube/a mixture of both of your bodily fluids
d) if he has a cold sore

I think that just about covers it. Even if your booty call caught you off guard and you haven’t shaved your cooch in weeks, a guy should always be pulling your underwear off and going to town.

It’s an essential part of foreplay, so don’t ever let a guy make you think that him licking you is a “special” thing either. A “special” thing is him buying you a new Marc Jacobs bag or writing you a two page love note telling you you’re the woman he wants to marry. Oral sex is a turn on and it makes intercourse far more pleasurable, so if a guy isn’t doing it, it’s safe to say he doesn’t care about getting you off. And simply put, you shouldn’t be getting naked with someone who doesn’t want to make you come.

Of the handful of men I’ve slept with, I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum. There were a few guys who made it obvious that they LOVED licking me, but I was with one guy for two years who never once did it. EVER! I was young and stupid and didn’t realize that this unacceptable bedroom behavior, and though he redeemed himself when we rekindled our romance 7 years later, never again will I put myself in that position.

Word of the Day: Dickdrunk

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, lust, sex

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Dickdrunk (adjective): Being affected by a man’s dick to the extent of losing control of one’s faculties or behavior.

Example: I was so dickdrunk I drove to his house and banged on his door begging for sex until the cops came.

Rule #54: DON’T Fuck His Friends

Posted by Rachel Hangover in Rules, sex

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I was having a girls night with one of my favorite bad bitches recently and she was regaling me with stories of an ex-lover (and current douchebag) who just so happens to be a professional baseball player. Later in the night she made comments about two other baseball players. I picked up on it and said, “Wow. You fuck a lot of baseball players.”

She responded with: “Well, obviously I revenge fucked two of his teammates.” I died. Now, while this is hilarious, it is NOT practical. Fucking his friends is ALWAYS a bad idea. And why? Because it doesn’t get you anything, except fucked. If getting fucked is your one and only goal, then go for it! But know that you’re losing something while gaining that possible orgasm: respect.

You see, if a man has done you wrong, that means he didn’t respect you enough to treat you correctly. He is definitely not going to start respecting you if you start banging his friends. You are only succeeding in making yourself look cheap and petty. His friends that are fucking you most certainly don’t respect you either. You are easy. You are damaged. Bros before hos, especially those who come back for sloppy seconds and thirds.

So, if you need to get your rocks off after a break up, I say pick a random or go to a trusted fuck buddy. Stay away from his friends and keep your dignity intact. Because even if you didn’t get ‘revenge’, you can still hold your head up high knowing you were the bigger person. And always remember how to be a boss bitch: Keep it sexy, keep it safe, and keep it classy. The best revenge is looking good and scoring someone better anyway.

“Rachel Hangover” is a writer/actress/drinker/leo. She loves making pictures, telling stories and singing whenever she thinks she is alone. Sometimes she gets drunk and says mean things, but she’s working on it, okay? Sheesh. You can follow her on Twitter, friend her on Facebook or stalk her on IMDB.

Why The 3 Date Rule is Bullshit

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, sex

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The usual dating conventions tell us girls that we should wait at least three dates before having sex with some guy. But here’s why that’s bullshit:

  1. He could die before the third date.
  2. You could die before the third date.
  3. He could just as easily not call you back after third date sex as he could after first date sex — at least you won’t waste your time on two more dates.
  4. If you wanna fuck him, you should fuck him.
  5. It’s 2014.  Stop following the rules your grandma made up.

This Is Not The Magic Number

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in blowjobs, sex

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I’d like to think that I’m pretty good at sucking a cock, but my oral sex skills are put into serious jeopardy if I’m distracted by a man simultaneously licking my clit. How on earth am I supposed to focus on what’s in front of me and what’s going on behind me at the same time?! And I don’t even have ADD!

On top of that, I don’t like any angle in the bedroom that puts my asshole in someone’s nose, even if I’m fresh from the shower. Maybe if I know them pretty well, but still.  I almost always miss a spot shaving back there, and I’ve never farted in someone’s face, but as we all know, there’s a first time for everything.

Does anyone out there actually enjoy 69ing? I mean, I don’t mind blowing a guy from this position, but when it comes to me, I want to sit back and enjoy my oral sex like I’m watching an episode of Revenge.

Rule #53: Eat My Ass

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in ass, butt, orgasms, sex

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While this is a phrase I’ve caught myself using during frequent fits of road rage, most of the time I really just want to yell this at whatever guy has his face buried in my snatch.

Oral sex is nice and all, but if you want me to scream and writhe around in bed like I’m being exorcised, eating my ass is most definitely the way to go about doing it. I don’t want anything IN my butthole, but for some reason having a guy’s tongue ON it takes me to the next level when it comes to orgasms. And this plus a vibrator on my clit? Ha! That makes me cum so hard I actually laugh uncontrollably afterwards, which is how I know it’s really a good one.

As far as ass eating goes, there are definitely some rules. I will only let a guy do this if I’ve shaved and showered within the last two hours, and if I even so much as fart, it’s off. The funny thing is, I’ve actually never demanded that guy to do this to me. Usually they just offer or if they ask what I like and I’ll bashfully tell them, but act like I am embarrassed about it because I’m super loud. Of course, they want to hear me scream, so they can’t resist…

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Don’t Tell Me To Touch Myself

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, fuck, How-To, orgasms, sex

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Please don’t tell me to touch myself when we’re getting it on.

I don’t need to be the boss, but I’m not big on men making demands of me in the bedroom. I’d like to think that we’re equals, and if you have a specific request, there are reasonable ways to ask.

When we’re naked in bed and you’re kissing my neck and we’re about to take it to the next level, the quickest way to kill the mood is to whisper in my ear, “I want you to play with your pussy.” First of all, the word pussy is just…ugh. Don’t! Second, ordering me to masturbate on command makes me cringe. It’s pretty difficult to get me off unless you’ve been going down on me for a few minutes (or unless there’s a toy involved), but if you’re watching me rub myself and I feel like I have to put on a show, it’s the least pleasurable thing ever. It’s not going make me orgasm, and I’m a terrible actress, so all it’s going to do is make me look and feel stupid.

If I want to play with myself during sex, you’ll know…or you can just take charge and grab my vibrator out of my top drawer. That’s the guaranteed way to make me scream…and you don’t even have to ask!

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, love and dating douchebags.

Don’t Waste Your Time On Tinder

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, sex

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Last summer, every girl I know was raving about all the hot guys on Tinder and how it was such a quick and easy way to meet them. However, flash forward to the present day, and I don’t know a single person who ended up having a Tinder success story, myself included.

One of my girlfriends dated a guy whom we now believe was homeless (he had no friends and he basically moved in with her on the second date), another one fought with her date over their dinner bill, and one of my guy friends got involved with this crazy bitch who put his picture, phone number and e-mail address on Grindr when he stopped calling/fucking her. When he texted me from a new number a few days later and told me the story, I was equally amused and horrified.

The guys who are on Tinder now are total creeps, so if you want to amass a large collection of dick pictures on your phone, fuck random dudes and never hear from them again, Tinder is be perfect for you. But all the eligible bachelors have seemingly quit the app, so if you’re looking for more than a late night booty call, don’t even waste your time. You have a better chance of meeting a decent man at a dive bar (or OK Cupid) than you do from swiping right.

Rule# 52: Good Things Come In Threesomes

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, RULE, sex, threesome

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Two is great but three is better, especially when it comes to sex.

If you haven’t tried a threesome yet … what the fuck are you waiting for?  As a woman, it’s not hard to get a hot dude home with you if you’re offering up the opportunity for him to bang you AND your hot friend.  And I’d always recommend a two-girls on three guys set-up, you don’t want to be caught in a devil’s horn threesome with two guys sword-fighting over your vag, or worse, more interested in each other than they are in you.

But you know what’s better than a threesome?  A throuple.  Not only do you get all the perks of a threesome, you also have someone to fuck when one of the parties has whiskey dick/the screaming shits/just isn’t feeling it … or you have a proxy to fuck for you when you’re the one who’s incapacitated.

My friend S has been enjoying the benefits of being in a long distance throuple … which means when she comes to town, it’s all about her and she never has to do the dishes.  Fucking genius.


What’s Better Than Sex?

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, sex

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When Heather introduced me last week, she mentioned that I had come straight from the gynecologist’s stirrups.  I only like spreading my legs when I know I’m about to get a primo poundfest, but the one thing I obsess over more than sex is getting answers.  And I know the gyno is the one place where I can go to find out what’s 100% real and what’s not. Even psychics can’t guarantee those kinds of numbers!

After ending things with yet another doucheboat (douchebag + dreamboat, which is seriously half of the men in Los Angeles), I was a little concerned that some of our amazing, condom-less sex might have left me with more than just fond memories of our naked romps in the bedroom. Every time I hook up or break up with a guy, I somehow manage to convince myself that I have herpes, even though I’ve never had a single symptom or a positive reaction on a blood test. Just to play it on the safe side, I always get tested in between partners.

I had been tested before my latest lover and I was fine, but since we weren’t using protection after we had “the talk” and I didn’t see his test results on paper, I knew there was a small chance that I could have the herp. Apparently 1 in 5 people have HSV2 (the genital kind), and of those 20%, up to 80% of them never show signs, so you do the math. It’s fucking terrifying. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I also know of two females who got herpes on their vaginas from a guy who only tested positive for HSV1 (the oral kind). You CAN get HSV1 on your mouth and down south, but it’s kind of a perfect storm situation to get them on your cooch. I’ll write all about that some other time, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m seriously considering using dental dams. I don’t know what’s more alarming: the thought of getting an untreatable STD that causes painful blisters or the thought of having completely terrible oral sex because there’s essentially a piece of saran wrap between my clit and my man’s tongue…

And that’s the thing. Even if you’ve figured out who he’s banged over the years, examined his dick with a magnifying glass and he’s showed you his test on paper, you never know until you get the good word from your gyno. And that usually comes in the mail (or in my case, via an e-mail attachment of my lab results). If they call, it’s never a good thing. But either way, at least you know for sure! I do now…and I’m happy to report that I am totally disease-free.

Want more from Elisabeth?  Check out her blog at!