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The Morning After

Posted by Rachel Hangover in awkward moments, sex, Uncategorized

HangoverUgh.  That feel when you wake up and you know you shouldn’t have kissed him last night but you did.  And it’s done now and you can’t undo it.  And who knows if you even want to.  Who knows anything?  What the fuck WAS that?

The fact of the matter is you wanted him to stay.  Even though you were the one who pulled away and said it was weird and incestuous, you wanted him to stay.  And maybe it’s just because it’s December, and you both just really needed someone to snuggle and make out with.  And maybe it’s just because it felt so nice to snuggle and love on someone you actually give a fuck about.  Someone whose opinion matters to you.  Someone who roots for you and who – oh, goddamnit – makes you better.  Maybe it was just really nice to spend some time with someone who is more intelligent than you.

And maybe it IS weird and incestuous.  But who really cares if you hooked up with his brother?  That was years ago and you don’t feel anything for him anymore other than loving the fuck out of that whole family.  And who cares that he’s hooked up with more than one of your friends?  That’s what happens when you know someone for over ten years.  Maybe it’s not weird at all and you’re making a bigger deal out of it than you need to.  You are DEFINITELY over thinking it, like you always do, but you can’t help it because the contact solution and lens case that you got out for him last night are staring you in the face, forcing you to be honest with yourself:  You tried to get him to stay.  You really wanted him to stay.  But he didn’t because he’s more intelligent than you.

And you just feel weird because you don’t know what, if anything, you want from him.  All you know is that you want to create art with him and even though one of your best friends thinks you should also create babies with him, you don’t know if you want that ever and it’s all just very confusing.  So it goes.  It is what it is.  And you must remember this: a kiss is just a kiss.  And it’s been a long December.  Maybe this year will be better than the last.  The feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls.  And the days go by so fast.  Who knows anything?  Snuggles and kisses are just the best, so no regrets.

Rule #63: Never Confuse a Fuckbuddy with a Snugglebuddy

Posted by Rachel Hangover in RULE, Uncategorized

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snuggle

A couple weeks back, on a lazy weekday evening, I was lying in my bed, feeling bored. I was watching Amy Schumer episodes and my insatiable appetite for carbs told me I would bleed in a few days. I suddenly had an overwhelming desire for company. I wanted snuggles. Cuddles. Some rubbin’ and some lovin’. Obviously this was not something I could call the rockstar in for, so I opted to reach out to a young pretty boy actor who I’d recently befriended and befucked. We were day drinking when we met; it turned into night drinking. It turned into going back to my place and having good sex several times. And then it turned into nuzzling and cuddling until we both fell asleep. And that was really all I wanted. The nuzzling and cuddling. But if I had to have some sex to get it, well so be it.

I texted him and he said he was busy, but would hit me up in a bit. A few hours went by, and he said he was still in the middle of stuff, but he could swing by later. Cool. A few more hours went by, and he said he’d be over soon. By now it was getting very late. When he finally arrived, he couldn’t figure out how to buzz himself into my apartment. I should’ve known something was up then, but I went to the front door to let him in. The door swung open to reveal him grinning at me sheepishly. “I’m SOOO drunk!”, He announced. Greeeeaat. I was completely sober and just wanted some damn snuggles.

So we proceeded to have really bad, fumbly, awkward sex. If you have to say to a girl, more than once, “it’s hard enough”, no, honey. It’s not. I would have been better off calling a platonic friend and snuggling up and watching a movie. But if anything, I blame myself. Because I wasn’t clear about what I wanted. You can never ever expect a man to know what you want; especially the young pups. You have to tell them. I shouldn’t have thought a guy I’ve never had anything but drunken sex with to have any idea that I wanted anything other than that. So I take the blame for this less than stellar experience and I was eager to give this pretty young thing a chance to redeem himself. He was very apologetic and is aware that he ‘made the blog’ in a negative way and from what I understand he has quit drinking. Awesome. I’m super stoked that I helped someone decide to make healthier choices. Something new and different for me. And I ended up being the first girl with whom he had sober sex. Ever. Something new and different for him. Yay for positive changes!

You have to always remember to be very up front about what your needs and desires are, with any partner, sexual or otherwise.  Why waste your time and/or end up getting frustrated when you can just be honest?  My experience with Pretty Young Thing just reiterated that no matter how well you know someone, if you’re being ‘intimate’ with them, then get intimate instead of getting disappointed.  I’m just happy we both ended up getting something that we needed and wanted.  Cheers to that.  Now excuse me while I go snuggle the shit out of someone.  You should too.

Fuck Carrie Bradshaw

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Uncategorized

So I was reading some article about how throngs of wannabe Carrie Bradshaws were (and continue to be) so inspired by Sex and the City that they moved to NYC to live her fabulous faux-life.  So now there’s a city full of Carries in search of Mirandas, Samanthas and Charlottes to listen to their endless relationship drama bullshit.

Now, don’t get me wrong, SATC is obviously a huge inspiration to me (as well as GIRLS, which I’m also a huge fan of) but I never wanted to be Carrie.  Because Carrie Bradshaw is an asshole.

Have you ever watched the entire series back-to-back?  I did once, after a particularly horrible breakup and period of unemployment when I had nothing to do but drink Xantinis and watch tv.  If you actually watch the episodes in close order, you’ll see that she’s basically a self-involved bitch who ruins all her relationships.

Fuck Carrie.  I’d rather be Samantha.

 

 

 

Rule #44: If You Wanna Stay Skinny, Stay Single

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Uncategorized


If You Wanna Stay Skinny, Stay Single

As couples all over the country are preparing to stuff themselves on heavy, overpriced meals followed by boner-killing desserts that are so rich they’ll be unable to work off those calories in the bedroom, single people also have something to celebrate this Valentine’s day — the fact that they’re much skinnier than their breeder counterparts.

Once you start a relationship, it’s all about the fucking. You meet up for drinks, then you head to one of your apartments (or just the back alley if you’re revved up enough) for some sex. Pretty soon, you’re skipping the drinks and just going over to each others’ houses for a booty call. But then something happens. Someone sleeps over. Then there’s breakfast. Maybe an afternoon movie where you share some popcorn. Followed by dinner.  Pretty soon, the relationship that was all about fucking is suddenly all about eating!

I have a friend who would always balloon up a relationship. The guy would get sick of living with a sloth, so he’d dump with her, she’d go on the break-up diet (pinkberry, red wine and Xanax), and get thin again. He’d see her out somewhere and assume she had gotten “healthy” then get back together again where the whole cycle started all over again!Is being in a relationship really worth not being able to fit into your carefully curated collection of skinny jeans?

As the great Kate Moss once said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels…” Including the dick of a guy you’re sucking just so you can call him your boyfriend!

Rule #43: Get Yourself a Practice Guy

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Uncategorized


sex_positions_spooning

You may not believe it but there have been some times when even a slut like me finds herself without a guy to lust, stalk or fuck. That’s when you’ve got to get yourself a practice guy.

What’s a “practice guy”? He’s someone that you only feel “eh” about so you practice with him until you meet the real thing.

For instance, if there’s some crazy sex acts you want to do with your future fuck (whomever he may be) and you haven’t quite nailed the dismount yet, do it with your practice guy. If you’re afraid of unleashing the crazy too soon in a relationship, find yourself a practice guy and gauge where his cray-cray meter stops.

Basically do everything and anything you either want to do or know you’ll eventually do in spite of yourself with this throwaway dude so that you’re really prepared when that dirty hot guy you’ve been dreaming about (and masturbating to) magically appears.

How to Get Jizz Out of Your Hair When You’re in a Hurry

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Uncategorized


theressomethingaboutmary1

The overly gelled and sprayed look is so not hot anymore.  So how do you get sticky spoodge out of your hair when you’ve just had a quickie in your office/car/back alley and don’t have immediate access to a shower?

1)  Just like you would if you had too much product in your hair, comb that shit out.  Obviously a comb or brush works best but fingers will do in a pinch, like if you just gave the cute mailroom guy a bj before heading into a meeting.  First try to comb through with your fingers, then just mash the hair around on top of your head until it all breaks apart.  It might get a bit beehive-ish  Pretend you’re going for the Jersey pouf.

3) Leave it in and claim your baby just spit up on you.  Course this works best if you HAVE a baby.

2) Just like you did before you rubbed one out, spit on your hand and rub the cum out.  If your hair is long and the jizz is low, suck on the strands to get it out quicker.  Just don’t swallow.  Unless you’re into that sort of thing, although if there’s spunk in your hair I’d guess not.

Rule #42: F*ck Someone Else

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Uncategorized

There are so many fabulous reasons why, when you’re jonesing for some dick (or pussy, in the case of my guy friend), and they won’t give it up that you should just up and fuck someone else.

1. It starts with an O and ends with you jizzing all over the bed (or couch/bathroom floor/back alley.)

This was really going to be the only reason, but some people just don’t fuck for fuck’s sake, so here’s some more:

2.  Just like your target can smell your desperation, they’ll also be able to smell the sex you’re having, and you will therefore become more attractive to them.

3.  If you’re totally creaming for some hot dude so hard that you can’t think of anything else but his dick, jump aboard another guy’s train to try to break the spell.  You may find your obsession is transferred to this new dick, but in some cases, it splits your attention down the middle and you no longer have the pit in your stomach every time your phone rings and it’s not him.

Do They Make These In Adult Sizes?

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Uncategorized

I got one of these snotsuckers for my sick baby over the holidays.  For those who aren’t familiar, if your baby’s got a stuffy nose, you suck the snot out through the tube (they don’t know how to blow it yet, duh!) and a little blue sponge at the bottom collects all the boogers so they don’t go into your mouth.    The first time I sucked up some snot my boyfriend asked me if they make them for adults. 

He said he had a stuffy dick.

My New Year’s Resolution…

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Uncategorized

is to sell a shitload of these in 2012.

Click HERE to pre-order yours on Amazon.

Depraved Dilemma

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Uncategorized

girlsvsboys

A guy friend of mine just asked for my help in banging this 24-year-old assistant at his work that’s been giving him blue balls for the last month.

Now obviously, I have all the dirty tricks that will make this dirty trick drop her panties in seconds flat, but do I really want to work for the opposing team? 

She’s clearly not a Depraved Girl, because a Depraved Girl wouldn’t be such a dick tease. So fuck it.

If you happen to be the only blonde party girl from Arizona who won’t put out — let this be a warning to you.  Game on.