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Don’t You Hate It When…

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in vagina

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…your date cancels and you realize NO ONE will be appreciating your perfectly-shaven vagina that night?

Sigh. If only guys knew how difficult it is to hunch over in the shower while simultaneously spreading your legs and holding your outer labia taut to get that perfectly smooth shave, I think they’d be a lot less likely to flake on us.

Perhaps I should look into laser hair removal…or maybe I should pick more reliable men?

Rule #56: Ditch Him If He Doesn’t Go Down On You Every Time

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, orgasms, sex, vagina

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The ONLY exceptions to this rule are:

a) if you have your period
b) if you have a yeast infection
c) if you’ve just had sex and you’re covered in lube/a mixture of both of your bodily fluids
d) if he has a cold sore

I think that just about covers it. Even if your booty call caught you off guard and you haven’t shaved your cooch in weeks, a guy should always be pulling your underwear off and going to town.

It’s an essential part of foreplay, so don’t ever let a guy make you think that him licking you is a “special” thing either. A “special” thing is him buying you a new Marc Jacobs bag or writing you a two page love note telling you you’re the woman he wants to marry. Oral sex is a turn on and it makes intercourse far more pleasurable, so if a guy isn’t doing it, it’s safe to say he doesn’t care about getting you off. And simply put, you shouldn’t be getting naked with someone who doesn’t want to make you come.

Of the handful of men I’ve slept with, I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum. There were a few guys who made it obvious that they LOVED licking me, but I was with one guy for two years who never once did it. EVER! I was young and stupid and didn’t realize that this unacceptable bedroom behavior, and though he redeemed himself when we rekindled our romance 7 years later, never again will I put myself in that position.

"I Broke My Vagina"

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in baby, broken, vagina

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My friend B (yes, her) recently pushed a six pound baby out of her cooch — well, she didn’t do much pushing, it kind of just fell out because she’s such a big slut — and that thing didn’t just give her stretch marks, it fucking broke her vagina!

How did she break it, you ask?  Since everything got all moved around in there, she can no longer achieve the big O.  “My G spot has become an H spot!” she whined to me yesterday.  Don’t judge, you would whine too if you couldn’t get off.

I also just had a behbeh slip out of my vag like a watermelon down a Slip n Slide but my shit got moved around in all the right places.  Sex is even more incredible than it was before.  I guess my G spot is now an F spot.  “F” as in “Fuck me again, the baby will stop crying eventually.”

So Cuntinis, if you do get knocked up here’s hoping your bits get knocked around in all the right places.