“Help Me Get Laid Without Getting Screwed!”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice

It’s time for another round of “Ask the Cuntessa”, and this week’s question comes from a woman who’s inexperienced in the ways of depravity!

“I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 6 months for a toothless pill head, and she looks about 50 years old. But that’s besides the point. His parents want me to stay here and live with them (ex bf is currently in jail for a year) and my ex-husband wants me to come home to him. My problem is, I’m very much in love with my ex boyfriend, even though I will never take him back. And going back to my ex-husband feels like a rebound, and it’s the last thing I want to do when it comes to him. He’s the father of my kids, and I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be with him, but right now is just too soon. My breakup with my ex-boyfriend is still fresh, like a week fresh. And I’m new to this whole ‘Getting Laid Without Getting Screwed’ thing. Please point me in the right direction.”

— Depravity Virgin

Dear DV:

The good news is you’re already in the right direction, you’re asking the expert.  The bad news is that you’re looking to get laid in all the wrong places — namely, your two exes, who sound trailer park tragic.

What you should do first is fuck someone else.  Doesn’t matter if you like him or if he’s into you or the least bit attractive — think of it as a palette cleanser to get the taste of your last boyfriend’s dick out of your mouth.

Then, once you’ve got that out of the way, find yourself a practice guy.  Someone you definitely DON’T like, whom you can practice all sorts of things on, from anything sexual to the rules of depravity.  If you don’t give a shit about him, you can’t get screwed.

THEN, buy my book.  Start with Rule #1.  Come back to me when you’ve successfully completely all 55 rules.

Are you in need of my depraved advice?  Of course you are!   E-mail me here and I just may answer you on the blog!

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