Way before I realized that there are literally over a million porn videos dedicated to the elusive female ejaculator, I was a confused middle-schooler who thought she was pissing her NKOTB sheets when she decided to explore her lady parts with the business end of an electric toothbrush for the first time.
Now, I’m not exactly known for having a strong bladder. Just ask the bike cop who busted me for Molly at a Groove Armada show. He had to throw those urine soaked shoes away and pedal barefoot the rest of the night. At least I assume he did, I don’t know, I was too busy grabbing my ankles and coughing in jail. Point is, it wasn’t crazy for me to assume in the pre-youporn days that I was giving myself a golden shower every time I had an orgasm.
Cut to my first sexual experience. I was so afraid of peeing all over my v-card puncher that I barely opened my legs. Finding out from my older, dangerous cousin who had already been in 3 rehabs at 19 that it was actually something called FEMALE EJACULATION didn’t make me any more relaxed. Like, what guy would want something like that to happen on him?
Turns out, EVERY GUY.
As I got more comfortable exploring my sexuality (and half the guys on my study abroad program) I started being upfront about my ability to get wet and wild while getting it on. When the clothes came off and the condom came on, I’d whisper “P.S., I’m a squirter.” They fucking loved it. They couldn’t get enough of my squirting. It’s not like you can fake an orgasm like that. Having sex with me was like buying a season pass to Raging Waters, but with less dirty diapers on the ground.
It was great for a while, but then the pressure started to get to me. I couldn’t perform every single time. With one guy, to whom I confessed my sitch early on, I couldn’t perform at all. He tried so hard that I started to feel bad for him. Then I started to feel bad for myself. Oral is no longer fun after an hour of rug munching. One night, after I had a little too much to drink, I just wanted it to end. So as soon as he put his finger inside me, I just let go.
Unfortunately, I let go of my bladder and peed all over him for reals. To this day, he still says it was the most intense orgasm he ever witnessed.