Although there are all kinds of ways to screw a guy in bed, the fucking I’m talking about has to do with his head.
That’s right, girls. I’m talking revenge.
Let’s say you’ve been dating this guy who is so your T (full sleeve of tatts, vintage car) for about two months. You’ve been inseperable since the night you dragged him back to your place after a bingeing on tequila at the Snakepit. It’s getting serious enough to finally have “the talk” — you know, where you agree that it’s ok to fart in front of each other. Suddenly, he stops calling, won’t return texts/tweets/e-mails. After a little investigation you find out HE’S HAD A GIRLFRIEND THE ENTIRE TIME! She just happened to be out of town when you two hooked up. And that fucker even told you he loved you! (Ok, it was after half a bottle of Jack and a hummer, but still!)
So, do you sit around crying to your girlfriends while watching the entire box set of Sex and the City on a loop? Or do you make HIM cry?
Obviously, I vote for the latter.
Fuck his car:
A D-bag loves nothing more than his car, so hit him in his figurative balls. You could go the Carrie Underwood route and mess with the outside of the car, or you could fuck up the inside. Some say it’s a myth, but a friend of mine swears (from experience) that pouring sugar in a gas tank will fuck up the engine. Powdered sugar, sand and bleach with also mess that shit up. Now I’m not condoning this, as it IS illegal, so if you go this route, make sure you’re ready for the consequences (i.e. take a sweater, jail is cold.)
Fuck his Facebook:
Wait until you know he’ll be out at some loud club for the night and then have a really, really great friend leave this post on his wall. Then wait for the comments from his girlfriend and other hos to roll in.
Fuck his home:
The idiot is too stupid to remember that he told you where he keeps the hide-a-key. Use it to get in and then kidnap his cat like my friend L once did (she still has that pussy) or if you’re really committed, you’ll move (or remove) one item every week until he thinks he’s going crazy.
Have you got a tale of depraved revenge? I’d love to hear it — post it in the comments below!