News Flash: Dudes Have Feelings Too

Posted by Rachel Hangover in depraved guy, men, sex

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Crazy talk, right?  I know, I know. We ladies are so used to sexism, so used to the idea that men are just trying to fuck us, that we don’t realize that sometimes we act just like them. But it turns out that boys have feelings, and they can get hurt, just as bad as ours.

This all came to my attention because of a recent blog I posted entitled “Know the Difference Between Fuckable vs. Dateable”. In this blog, I referred to certain types of men as ‘Human Dildos’. Now, I still think that’s funny; just like I think referring to certain females as ‘Cum Dumpsters’ is funny. But it’s not so funny when you are on the receiving end of such a reference.

Dudes catch feelings for the girls they are banging just like girls. Maybe not as often, but maybe that is just what we are conditioned to think as a society. We are told to protect our daughters; that men only think with their dicks; that women are weak and emotional and men are strong and stoic. Well, guess what? That’s a lot of bullshit. Women can be douchebags, too. And men can be total sweethearts who just want love. And both genders can be trifilin’ hoes.

Now we here at The Girl’s Guide to Depravity like to make a lot of rules. But the most important thing to remember in love and war and dating and fucking is the most important rule of all: treat others as you would like to be treated. Be honest. Be real. Don’t hurt other people lest you hurt yourself. Don’t treat a good man like a dick because you wouldn’t want a man to treat you like a cunt. Keep it sexy, keep it safe, keep it classy… but also keep it kind.

Its The Weekend… Why Don’t You Hook Up With a GIRLfriend?

Posted by Rachel Hangover in Weekend Why Don't You

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Mmmmm, girls.  Girls are just so…  HOT.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you’re not a lesbian.  You’re not even bi.  But c’mon, admit it…  you’re a little bi- curious.  As you should be, cuz let me tell you, a little girl on girl can be the best in the world.

This is coming from a bonafide bi girl.  Now, I don’t date girls – I just like to occasionally, drunkenly, make sweet sweet passionate love to my hottest girlfriends, no strings attached.  Its really the perfect situation: we are already comfortable with each other, we have already (probably) seen each other naked, we have already discussed what we do and don’t like, and there will be no post hook up drama or awkwardness because we’re just homies.  We can be sexy and be totally casual about it.

Now, I know what you’e thinking:  ‘Gross!  Vagina is not my thing!’  Well, guess what?  It doesn’t have to be.  Most girls who like girls don’t mind a pillow princess as long as it means we get to hook up.  You don’t necessarily have to reciprocate on the oral deliciousness.  The fact of the matter is that girls have guys beat on a lot of other things: they kiss better, they smell better, they taste better, they’re more sensual, they listen better, and they pay better attention to what YOU like – they’re not just trying to please themselves…

And the most important thing that girls do better than guys:  EAT PUSSY.  One of my girlfriends asked me if I was so good at it because I “have an owner’s manual”.  Another girl told me she had thought that she didn’t like that – no man had ever made her cum that way.  And another girl once said, “Sometimes it takes a woman to do a man’s job to show the man what he’s been doing wrong.”  She said that in front of her boyfriend…

The majority of the girls I’ve hooked up with are ‘straight’.  Thus making me a firm believer that all girls are bi- some just don’t know it yet.  So why not give it a try?  You have nothing to lose, and multiple orgasms to gain.  And who knows?  Curiosity might just kill that pussy…

Rule #60: Know The Difference Between FUCKABLE vs DATEABLE

Posted by Rachel Hangover in sex

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Not all Goslings are created equal.

Not all Goslings are created equal.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.  It is time for us, as women, to figure out something that men have known forever: just because someone isn’t your ideal mate doesn’t mean you shouldn’t fuck his brains out whenever you want to.  You just need to differentiate between who is worthy of your time, energy, love, and commitment, and who is worthy of just your pussy.  I’ve seen so many of my girlfriends get their hearts broken because they didn’t know this very simple rule.

Now, while everyone is different, the main thing to think about is the criteria you need met.  For me personally, if a dude is dateable he must meet all of the following criteria:

1.  He is attractive and leads a healthy lifestyle

2.  He has a good job where he is successful or making the world a better place

3.  He has a good relationship with his family/friends and compatibility with mine

4.  He’s smart, funny, compassionate and shares my political, social, and spiritual views.

For a guy to be fuckable, he has to meet the following criteria:

1.  He’s hot

2.  His dick works.

(And in fact, I can be lenient with the second one.  I was “fucking” a little rockstar at one point whose nasty little coke problem made it impossible for him to get it up no matter how hard we both tried.  However, his enthusiasm and skill when it came to cunnilingus made that a moot point.   *sigh*  I miss that guy.)

So many women are out looking for The Perfect Man, that they blow off a perfectly good Fuckable Man.  They are pining away, waiting for an imaginary ideal, using up the batteries in their vibrators, dreaming of Mr. Right when they could be getting their ass pounded to the wall by Mr. Right Now.  What a fucking waste.  What should be happening instead, is that women take advantage of a good/easy/convenient fuck while still on the lookout for the guy who has it all.  MEN DO THIS WITH EVERY GIRL THEY MEET.  We need to learn it, love it, live it, NOW.

The problem is that a lot of women have trouble separating sex and emotions.  GET OVER IT.  Don’t ALLOW emotions to get involved until they evolve naturally.  If he’s not the perfect man for you, why in the fuck would you waste your emotional energy wondering how he thinks of or feels for you?  Why would you want or expect a man to start a relationship with you when you barely know him and he barely knows you?

Of course, most men fall somewhere in between The Perfect Man and a Human Dildo and sometimes things can get confusing.  I’ve fallen for fuck buddies and I’ve realized a guy I thought was perfect on paper was nothing but a dick.  When this happens, separate yourself from him immediately and give yourself a little time.  Find out what you both want.  If you caught feelings and he doesn’t feel the same way, GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.  And if the opposite is true, break it off with him.  Its only fair.

Since most of the men you meet aren’t going to meet your criteria for boyfriend material, have fun and keep it casual.  Don’t let a good dick go to waste.  Don’t get caught up in the feels until you’re sure its something real.  Get some good lovin’ while the gettin’ is good because nothing makes you look hotter than being a confident woman who is obviously gettin’ some.  And all that sexy afterglow might just attract the one you’ve been waiting for.

“He Says He’s 8 Inches — How Big is he REALLY?”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Ask a Depraved Bitch


In this edition of “Ask a Depraved Bitch,” a reader wants to know what the actual size of her latest lust is:

I’ve been online stalking some guy who claims to be 8″.  But guys always lie about their height and their penis size, so how big do you think he is really?  Don’t just advise me to fuck him to find out, I wanna know in advance so I don’t waste anymore time thinking about this dick if he’s not up to my standards.

–Size Queen

Dear Size Queen,

Much like the butt sex ratio, there is indeed a penis size ratio.  The average American penis is 5 1/2 inches hard.  Yet most men tell women they are from 7-8 inches.  So I would definitely apply a two-inch deduction to whatever he says.  But there’s really no way to be sure until he whips out his boner.  You don’t have to fuck him per se to find out, but a little bit of a handy never hurt.  Course, if this is a strictly textual relationship, tell him to send you a dick pic posed next to a ruler.  Then you’ll know.


Rule #59: Don’t Send Naked Pics Until He’s Seen You Naked

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in RULE

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Call me a prude, but in the age of Tinder and Snapchat, it’s easy for communication to go from flirty to slutty with a single text. So how do you maintain your modesty in the digital age?

You can still be cheeky with your words and photos, but if you aren’t ready for a man to see your pussy in the flesh, don’t send him a picture of it. Once he’s gotten the goods, fire away, but if you press send on an XXX snapshot too quickly, he could assume that’s all you’re good for.

However, if you are only pursuing him as a human dildo, ignore everything I’ve just said.

How Do You Say “Depravity” in Italian?

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Giveaway, The Book

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My book’s been published in Italian!  I don’t speak this amazing language of love, food and fottendo, but I’m told the new title roughly translates to “Bad Girls Are Made, Not Born.”  In honor of this transcontinentally depraved event, I’m giving away a signed book (in the original English) to one lucky, dirty, winner.

To enter*:

  1. Become a fan on Facebook (see link at right.)
  2. In the comments below, tell me why you absolutely CANNOT live another day without this book.
  3. Be sure to leave your e-mail in the e-mail field, not the body of the comments (unless you’re trolling for spammers.)

I will pick one winner by next Thursday June 19th.

*Sorry, but I will only ship to US addresses.

Once You Go Hairy, It Ain’t So Scary…

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in men

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For many years I thought I was only attracted to blonde-haired, blue-eyed Ken doll types, but after a few more recent encounters with dark and handsome men, I now go both ways. While I’ll always be a sucker for light eyes, I appreciate a solid beard and I’ve even found that a decent amount of chest hair turns me on — especially if it hasn’t been groomed.

The last person I had sex with wasn’t a total werewolf (read: he didn’t have back, ass or shoulder hair), but he had plenty of fur on his torso. You couldn’t even see skin in some spots, and if I had dropped a piece of gum on him, it would have gotten embedded deep in his chest carpet. He sometimes trimmed it, but not too close, which is key. When he let it grow out it was soft, and during our post-coital snuggles I actually caught myself stroking it because I liked the the way it felt on my fingertips. I’m not even kidding.

Interestingly enough, I now have the same sentiments about pubic hair when it comes to shaving. While I don’t want a bush, I’d rather have that than a prickly pair of balls. Hair down there is normal and the softer it is, the better. So for those of you ladies out there who haven’t gotten touchy feely with a fuzzy fellow, I urge you to try it out before turning your nose up. And to the guys — don’t put your clipper settings too low when it comes time to manscape. No one likes stubble south of the border.

Rule # 58: Just Because He’s Paying For Dinner Doesn’t Mean You’re Not A Booty Call

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, men, sex

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Up until my mid-twenties, it was pretty easy to draw the line between a guy who had boyfriend potential versus a guy you’d bang at 2am after drinking too much tequila. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found it trickier to determine whether a guy is serious about me or simply using me for sex.

To me, there’s three types of guys: a fuck buddy, a guy you date non-exclusively (that is, until someone decides to end it or stop seeing other people), and a committed boyfriend. Fuck buddies don’t always snuggle with you or spend the night, and you seldom have to worry about who’s paying for dinner, because the only thing you’re eating is each other’s genitals. At the opposite end of the spectrum, guys who want to settle down let you know you’re the only one they’re sleeping with, so the real grey area is the guys you’re dating.

Dating can encompass everything from being a fuck buddy to being close to settling down, and if a guy thinks there’s a chance he might like you as something more than a piece of ass, he’ll put in a minimal amount of effort until he figures out what he wants. And even if he finds that he only wants to fuck around, he will still take you out to dinner if he knows it’s a surefire way to get in your pants. If he knows he can get away with booty calling you at midnight, he’ll do it, but as we get older, we’re willing to put up with far less shit, so as a result, guys are willing to do more shit to make us believe that they’re not total scumbags.

Its The Weekend! Why Don’t You… Bite Me?

Posted by Rachel Hangover in Weekend Why Don't You

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Rarrr.  So, why don’t you bite me?  No, seriously.  Literally.  OWwww!  Whoa, not too hard, just, like… sexy hard.  I mean… making love is beautiful and sweet and sensual and, well, LOVEly.  But doesn’t that get a little boring after a while?  (Yes.)  So why not get a little fresh with your lover?  Get a little naughty, get a little rowdy, get a little… bite-y.

I’m not saying draw blood or anything.  And I’m not saying it needs to erupt into a full on S&M session either.  All I’m saying is there is absolutely nothing wrong and a whole lot of things right with marking your territory, just a little bit.  The thing is, Location, Location, Location.  You don’t want to leave your boo looking like a teenager who just landed their first crush.  Or even worse, the victim of some sort of violence.  So pick a spot that is sensual and discreet.  (Nipples.  Totally the nipples.  For women, they are meant to be sucked and practically chewed.  For men, they don’t need ’em anyway.)

Getting a little rough is not for everyone, but you never know who is down until you try.  And you’d be surprised – its always the people you would least expect.  I know, personally, if I left you with some bite marks, I was just letting you know that I had a good time.


Word of the Day: Sporking

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Word of the Day

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Sporking (verb): the act of fucking while spooning

Example: “He got so hard when we were spooning that we started sporking.”