Rule #8: The Best Way To Get Over a Guy Is To Get Under Another One

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Rules

I’m sure most people will tell you that “time” is the only thing that helps heal a broken heart, but fuck that.

You can Carrie Underwood his car, you can gain five pounds (all from wine) sitting around watching the entire box set of Sex and the City, you can steal his cat, you can pop Xannies like they were candy, you can eat nothing but Pinkberry for a whole month, but nothing helps you get over a guy as much as getting underneath another one does.

After one particular soul-crushing break-up, I tried all of the above — in one night. I ended up spending the wee hours of the morning puking up a pinkish spew of red wine, plain fro-yo and Xanax chunks while trying to keep his pussy from licking up my puke. (Don’t worry, I returned the cat before he even realized it was gone.)

And to make things even worse, everytime this disgusting pink and white sprinkled concotion made its way into the toilet, all I could think about were the dozen strawberry Sprinkles cupcakes he bought me for my birthday (it was the only damn thing he ever gave me), so I’m trapped in this loop of puking, sobbing and kitty-swatting on my bathroom floor.

The next night, I was all set to unhinge, binge, purge and repeat when my good friend Melissa came over and forced me into a pair of skinny jeans. Luckily, I had been on the break-up diet for about a week, so they actually fit without my flesh cupcaking over the side and she dragged my sorry ass to The Village Idiot.

That’s when I met the Irish opera singer. He was hot, sexy and best of all, he had an accent that reminded me of my favorite Colin Farrell movie … what’s it called? The one where he talks all nasty? Oh, yeah, his sex tape.

Despite the fact that I SO was not in the mood for another man’s dick, my friend suggested that we all go back to my place for another drink after the bar closed — and then she drove off the minute me and Lucky Charms got out of the car.

I guess the one good thing about hooking up with Euros is they don’t care if you’re waxed/shaved/vagazzaled/coherent. I had had just the right combination of Xanax and Vodka tonics at this point, so after a little bit of wrestling on my couch, we got down to doing the dirty. I can’t say it was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life (he had this annoying habit of talking dirty in ebonics) but it did the trick.

The next day, I was no longer obsessing about my ex. Since the opera singer hadn’t returned my text in, like, 5 hours, I started obsessing about him instead. I believe in psychology this is called “transferrence.”

Sure, after another few months of stalking dating him, he pretty much pulled down his pants and took a dump right on top of my heart. But this time, instead of reaching for the baseball bat and a handful of pills, I pulled on my skinny jeans and headed out to the VI to find another peen to help me mend my broken heart.


  1. Kevin

    Guys call these bitches “Psychos!

  2. Rob

    Commendable, but sounds like the heart never had a chance to mend?


    You’re so awesome! I don’t think I have read through something like this before.
    So nice to find somebody with some unique thoughts on this subject matter.
    Seriously.. thanks for starting this up. This site is something that is required
    on the web, someone with a little originality!

  4. Julio

    Excellent website. Plenty of helpful information here.
    I am sending it to several friends ans additionally sharing in delicious.

    And naturally, thanks for your sweat!

  5. gazzeta dello sport

    It’s perfect time to make some plans for the future and
    it is time to be happy. I’ve read this post and if I could I wish to suggest
    you some interesting things or advice. Perhaps you can write next articles
    referring to this article. I desire to read even more
    things about it!

  6. schwinn exercise bike parts

    There’s certainly a lot to know about this subject. I really like all the points you’ve made.


    It’s actually a nice and useful piece of information. I am
    satisfied that you simply shared this useful info with us.
    Please keep us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.

  8. mujeres hermosas

    Great goods from you, man. I have have in mind your stuff previous to and you’re simply too wonderful.

    I really like what you have bought here, certainly like what you’re stating
    and the way wherein you are saying it. You’re making it enjoyable
    and you continue to care for to keep it sensible. I can not wait to read much more from you.
    This is really a wonderful website.

  9. minecraft games

    Hi there, of course this post is actually nice and I have learned lot of things from it regarding blogging.

  10. MadamButterfly

    Despite what the article says…I TOTALLY DISAGREE! Some may feel the need to fill their life with a new…sex toy…however the only true way to get over a love or lack there of is to review what happened…what did you do wrong and how the person reacted to it…if he/she reacted in a negative manner then perhaps you would want to change the approach. Secondly, spending time with a higher power is not all that bad…try a little GOD…and then spend time with yourself…clean out all the memories and the old habits…heck! create new ones. I am not against to eating a whole pint of ice cream…do it but just know a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips! I paint…volunteer and only GOD knows the hell I been through! Just look forward to tomorrow and if none of that works…then call a friend…make sure is a trust worthy person…wolves still come in sheeps clothing!
    Happy Dating!

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. “I Fell For My F*ck-Buddy” | The Girl's Guide To Depravity
  2. TMI Tuesdays : Wholehearted Advice Not To Be Taken Wholeheartedly | Rationalize-Anything
  3. Ode aan de sciencefiction-porno van The Girl’s Guide To Depravity | L i n d a D u i t s

Leave a Comment

Your email address will never be published or shared. Required fields are marked with an asterisk (*).