“I’m a 25-year-old virgin and I’m tired of it! I’m so frustrated and I know I need to get laid but I get very shy and when the time comes to pop that cherry, I always chicken out. But I found this guy that I had feelings for in the past who wants to be my fuck buddy now. But I’m afraid those feelings may come back … what should I do?”
— I Need a Dick Fix
Dear Dick Fix:
I love nothing more than a slutty virgin. But no matter how much you’d like to think you can f*ck like a man and separate emotions from sex (especially on the first time!) it’s not that easy.
So basically, you have two options:
1. Don’t f*ck your f*ck buddy. The upside is you won’t get emotionally attached to someone who just wants you for sex. The downside, of course, is that you still have your v-card and if you continue to wait for a man who’s cherry-pie worthy, you just might end up being a true 40-year-old virgin.
2. F*ck him. Be fully aware that you will get emotionally involved and most likely heart-broken. Don’t try to kid yourself into thinking that he will somehow be transformed by this experience and suddenly want to be your dude. Stock up on plenty of Xanax, vodka, Pinkberry and the entire Sex and the City boxed set, because those are the only things that will get you through the ensuing months. Pro: you finally got laid!
If what you’re really looking for is a dick fix at any cost, then obviously you go with option 2.
Have fun and don’t forget to bring lots of lube!