APPARENTLY, we need to talk about threesome etiquette. I’m an experienced unicorn* and just a very horny and experimental girl in general. Thus, I’ve had my fair share of threesomes. Some have been utterly fantastic and some, well, not so much. My most recent encounter fell into the latter category. This is because the girl I so kindly invited to share one of my favorite part time lovers and full time friends with (he’s a drummer – yum!) was experiencing her very first threesome. Thus, she was not aware of some of the unwritten rules. So I’m writing the unwritten rules. And here they are:
THE THREE KEYS TO A GOOD THREESOME
First and foremost:
DON’T BE A COCK HOG
No one likes a cock hog. The whole point of a threesome is that there are THREE people, and all three people need to be equally involved. All three people should be equally committed to getting their partners off. A cock hog deprives one person of involvement and NO ONE should feel left out during a threesome, or you’re doing it wrong.
Conversely, don’t ignore the cock either. I know some dudes who, post hookup, felt that the threesome was only offered so that the ladies could explore their lesbianism. And while they may have been making dreams come true by just letting the dude watch, leaving him with a raging boner or worse, blue balls, is some cold shit.
When dealing with a cock hog, don’t yell: “Get off, it’s my turn!”, like I did. Instead, go sit on his face and politely mention to your lady friend that you’re getting bored and maybe its time to switch.
And of course:
DON’T BE A PILLOW PRINCESS
If you are receiving oral, you need to be doing something else. Don’t just lie there, basking in the glory. You have two hands and a mouth. You need to be using one of these body parts to get someone else off. No oral feels SO good that you can’t keep busy. RECIPROCITY IS KEY. Don’t be selfish.
When dealing with a pillow princess, go sit on her face. That will teach her.
BE GRACIOUS TO THE HOST
Whomever arranged the threesome, or more importantly, whomever’s bed it is, gets to be the one to call lights out. DO NOT, under any circumstances, continue to hook up when someone is trying to go to sleep. Even if you are being really quiet, it is just RUDE. And being rude to someone who arranged a threesome deserves a special place in hell. If you’re not done with sexy time, take it somewhere else, ya heathens.
And there they are. The most important keys to a quality three. There are more, but in general: keep it sexy, keep it safe, keep it classy, and keep it kind. Now get out there and get your freak on!
*If you don’t know, now you know: A UNICORN is a bi girl who is down to get down with an established couple without interfering in their relationship. Thus named because most people don’t believe they exist, but they DO! And when you encounter one it is a rare and beautiful thing and a truly magical experience.