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Rule #63: Never Confuse a Fuckbuddy with a Snugglebuddy

Posted by Rachel Hangover in RULE, Uncategorized



A couple weeks back, on a lazy weekday evening, I was lying in my bed, feeling bored. I was watching Amy Schumer episodes and my insatiable appetite for carbs told me I would bleed in a few days. I suddenly had an overwhelming desire for company. I wanted snuggles. Cuddles. Some rubbin’ and some lovin’. Obviously this was not something I could call the rockstar in for, so I opted to reach out to a young pretty boy actor who I’d recently befriended and befucked. We were day drinking when we met; it turned into night drinking. It turned into going back to my place and having good sex several times. And then it turned into nuzzling and cuddling until we both fell asleep. And that was really all I wanted. The nuzzling and cuddling. But if I had to have some sex to get it, well so be it.

I texted him and he said he was busy, but would hit me up in a bit. A few hours went by, and he said he was still in the middle of stuff, but he could swing by later. Cool. A few more hours went by, and he said he’d be over soon. By now it was getting very late. When he finally arrived, he couldn’t figure out how to buzz himself into my apartment. I should’ve known something was up then, but I went to the front door to let him in. The door swung open to reveal him grinning at me sheepishly. “I’m SOOO drunk!”, He announced. Greeeeaat. I was completely sober and just wanted some damn snuggles.

So we proceeded to have really bad, fumbly, awkward sex. If you have to say to a girl, more than once, “it’s hard enough”, no, honey. It’s not. I would have been better off calling a platonic friend and snuggling up and watching a movie. But if anything, I blame myself. Because I wasn’t clear about what I wanted. You can never ever expect a man to know what you want; especially the young pups. You have to tell them. I shouldn’t have thought a guy I’ve never had anything but drunken sex with to have any idea that I wanted anything other than that. So I take the blame for this less than stellar experience and I was eager to give this pretty young thing a chance to redeem himself. He was very apologetic and is aware that he ‘made the blog’ in a negative way and from what I understand he has quit drinking. Awesome. I’m super stoked that I helped someone decide to make healthier choices. Something new and different for me. And I ended up being the first girl with whom he had sober sex. Ever. Something new and different for him. Yay for positive changes!

You have to always remember to be very up front about what your needs and desires are, with any partner, sexual or otherwise.  Why waste your time and/or end up getting frustrated when you can just be honest?  My experience with Pretty Young Thing just reiterated that no matter how well you know someone, if you’re being ‘intimate’ with them, then get intimate instead of getting disappointed.  I’m just happy we both ended up getting something that we needed and wanted.  Cheers to that.  Now excuse me while I go snuggle the shit out of someone.  You should too.

Rule #60: Know The Difference Between FUCKABLE vs DATEABLE

Posted by Rachel Hangover in sex

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Not all Goslings are created equal.

Not all Goslings are created equal.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.  It is time for us, as women, to figure out something that men have known forever: just because someone isn’t your ideal mate doesn’t mean you shouldn’t fuck his brains out whenever you want to.  You just need to differentiate between who is worthy of your time, energy, love, and commitment, and who is worthy of just your pussy.  I’ve seen so many of my girlfriends get their hearts broken because they didn’t know this very simple rule.

Now, while everyone is different, the main thing to think about is the criteria you need met.  For me personally, if a dude is dateable he must meet all of the following criteria:

1.  He is attractive and leads a healthy lifestyle

2.  He has a good job where he is successful or making the world a better place

3.  He has a good relationship with his family/friends and compatibility with mine

4.  He’s smart, funny, compassionate and shares my political, social, and spiritual views.

For a guy to be fuckable, he has to meet the following criteria:

1.  He’s hot

2.  His dick works.

(And in fact, I can be lenient with the second one.  I was “fucking” a little rockstar at one point whose nasty little coke problem made it impossible for him to get it up no matter how hard we both tried.  However, his enthusiasm and skill when it came to cunnilingus made that a moot point.   *sigh*  I miss that guy.)

So many women are out looking for The Perfect Man, that they blow off a perfectly good Fuckable Man.  They are pining away, waiting for an imaginary ideal, using up the batteries in their vibrators, dreaming of Mr. Right when they could be getting their ass pounded to the wall by Mr. Right Now.  What a fucking waste.  What should be happening instead, is that women take advantage of a good/easy/convenient fuck while still on the lookout for the guy who has it all.  MEN DO THIS WITH EVERY GIRL THEY MEET.  We need to learn it, love it, live it, NOW.

The problem is that a lot of women have trouble separating sex and emotions.  GET OVER IT.  Don’t ALLOW emotions to get involved until they evolve naturally.  If he’s not the perfect man for you, why in the fuck would you waste your emotional energy wondering how he thinks of or feels for you?  Why would you want or expect a man to start a relationship with you when you barely know him and he barely knows you?

Of course, most men fall somewhere in between The Perfect Man and a Human Dildo and sometimes things can get confusing.  I’ve fallen for fuck buddies and I’ve realized a guy I thought was perfect on paper was nothing but a dick.  When this happens, separate yourself from him immediately and give yourself a little time.  Find out what you both want.  If you caught feelings and he doesn’t feel the same way, GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.  And if the opposite is true, break it off with him.  Its only fair.

Since most of the men you meet aren’t going to meet your criteria for boyfriend material, have fun and keep it casual.  Don’t let a good dick go to waste.  Don’t get caught up in the feels until you’re sure its something real.  Get some good lovin’ while the gettin’ is good because nothing makes you look hotter than being a confident woman who is obviously gettin’ some.  And all that sexy afterglow might just attract the one you’ve been waiting for.

Its The Weekend! Why Don’t You… Up Your Sexting Game

Posted by Rachel Hangover in Weekend Why Don't You

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In the digital world we live in, texting has become not only a necessity, but an art form.  In the digital dating world, sexting is no less a necessity, and if you’re not treating it like an art form, you’re doing it wrong.  Its fun, its easy, and it will get your guy so eager to get his hands on you that there will be no time for all that pesky ‘how was your day’ stuff.  And nothing makes a man more crazy than knowing that you’re thinking naughty thoughts about him while he is not with you.

I was in a long distance relationship for a while, so sexting became a major form of communication for us.  Thus, I consider myself somewhat of an expert.  The way I see it, there are three main forms of sexting, and you should master them all.

First, there is the BLUNT TEXT.  This is when you either, A) change the conversation to naughtiness, like so: shutupor B) when you start of the conversation by getting right down to it, like so: waking moment (The last one works best when they are just waking up or getting off work.)

Next, there is simple WORD PLAY…


Rule #57: A Guy Worth Fucking is Not Easily Fucked With

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Rules

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Ladies (and this rule applies to dudes as well), I know sometimes it’s fun to play the game.  To flirt, tease, neg, send him sexy snaps when you have no intention of following through.  But a guy worth fucking is not easily fucked with.

Case in point: D was my co-worker.  Rather, he was my co-worker’s assistant.  Super-hot, super-eager, super-young.  He flirted with me shamelessly but he was practically still a kid and my fuck card was filled at the time.  I treated him worse than a toy.  I treated him like a toy poodle.  But no matter what I did, he was still down.

One night when my fuck buddy flaked on me, I booty-texted my little puppy and told him I was coming over that night to finally seal the deal.  But I ended up going home with a rando from the bar instead.

The next day, he was still totally friendly, but the flirtatiousness had been shut down.  Completely.  No amount of snatchchats brought his interest back.  A few weeks later my co-worker (and his boss) ended up fucking him and said his cock, his technique, his attentiveness was an 11.  All these years later she’s still ruined for other peen because his is the dick she measures all other dicks by.  And no other guy has come close.  Sigh.

How to Deal With That One-Night Stand You Keep Bumping Into

Posted by Rachel Hangover in One-Night Stand

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Oh, fuck.  Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.  There he is again.  That GUY you fucked that one time.  Or was it two?  Three?  Oh, who’s counting?  Here he comes, with a bunch of his friends.   What do you do?  WHAT DO YOU DO???


STEP 1:  Make eye contact.  Don’t pretend you didn’t see him.  That is some lame ass seventh grade shit and he can smell it.  If he doesn’t see you, then sweet, you don’t have to deal with it.  If he pretends not to see you, then sweet, he’s a douche and you never have to fuck him again.  But if he does see you…

STEP 2:  Smile.  Don’t do a fake cheesy newscaster smile.  Those never look good.  And don’t grin wildly with fear in your eyes.  Gah!  That’s the worst thing you can do.  Just give him a polite ‘oh, nice to see you smile’.  Nothing more, nothing less.  He will either
a) ignore you, and then he’s a douche- no worries, whatever.
b) smile back, and go about his business – cool, no harm, no foul
c) wave or make some other gesture, in which case you return said gesture, but no more, no less  OR
d) comes over to give you a hug and/or strike up a conversation
IF THIS HAPPENS, it means he had a good time fucking you and most likely wants to do it again…

STEP 3:  Play it cool.  Be nice.  Tell him its nice to see him and ask how he has been.  If he wants a hug, give it to him.  You already gave him your punanny, you can handle a goddamned hug.  He will either
a)  keep it short and sweet and go about his business and then, yay, that was nice.  Its always nice to run into nice people.  OR
b)  make himself comfortable and/or introduce you to his friends
IF THIS HAPPENS it means he DEFINITELY wants to fuck you again…

STEP 4:  Accept or decline.  If you choose to
a)  decline, be super sweet about it.  Be honest.  Tell him the real reason behind why you ‘can’t’ or why ‘tonight isn’t a good night’.  If you want to fuck him again, try to make plans for another time.  If you don’t, let him down gently. He’s obviously a sweet, solid, respectful dude for handling this situation this well so far…  BUT if you choose to
b) accept, then FUCK YEAH! Ride that baby boy like you did before and be all sorts of pleased with yourself about it.  You win!  You just turned a one night stand into a multiple night stand and maybe even a recurring fuck buddy. Congratulations, you are a boss bitch.  Now go get down with your bad self AND your new boy toy.  Cheers, you’ve earned it.

Rule #54: DON’T Fuck His Friends

Posted by Rachel Hangover in Rules, sex

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I was having a girls night with one of my favorite bad bitches recently and she was regaling me with stories of an ex-lover (and current douchebag) who just so happens to be a professional baseball player. Later in the night she made comments about two other baseball players. I picked up on it and said, “Wow. You fuck a lot of baseball players.”

She responded with: “Well, obviously I revenge fucked two of his teammates.” I died. Now, while this is hilarious, it is NOT practical. Fucking his friends is ALWAYS a bad idea. And why? Because it doesn’t get you anything, except fucked. If getting fucked is your one and only goal, then go for it! But know that you’re losing something while gaining that possible orgasm: respect.

You see, if a man has done you wrong, that means he didn’t respect you enough to treat you correctly. He is definitely not going to start respecting you if you start banging his friends. You are only succeeding in making yourself look cheap and petty. His friends that are fucking you most certainly don’t respect you either. You are easy. You are damaged. Bros before hos, especially those who come back for sloppy seconds and thirds.

So, if you need to get your rocks off after a break up, I say pick a random or go to a trusted fuck buddy. Stay away from his friends and keep your dignity intact. Because even if you didn’t get ‘revenge’, you can still hold your head up high knowing you were the bigger person. And always remember how to be a boss bitch: Keep it sexy, keep it safe, and keep it classy. The best revenge is looking good and scoring someone better anyway.

“Rachel Hangover” is a writer/actress/drinker/leo. She loves making pictures, telling stories and singing whenever she thinks she is alone. Sometimes she gets drunk and says mean things, but she’s working on it, okay? Sheesh. You can follow her on Twitter, friend her on Facebook or stalk her on IMDB.