Currently browsing Posts Tagged “sex”

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Fuck Your Rockstar

Posted by Rachel Hangover in sex

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roxxx

So, my rockstar was in town for a spell. Holy Mother Fuck, it has been so fucking lovely; it’s been so lovely fucking. I encountered this particular rockstar for the first time over three years ago. He sang me a song looking deep into my eyes. I fell desperately in lust. Later, smoking a cigarette together, I was drunk enough to tell him: “Your voice is so beautiful; I get emotional every time I hear you sing.” He replied: “Aww, well aren’t you just a little sweetheart. Do you wanna come back to my place and get in my hot tub with me?” Obviously my response was an enthusiastic YES.

So that pretty much ended my relationship with the guy I had been living with for two years. And that was hard and it really sucked. But it is a decision I do not regret. However, a few weeks later, my rockstar promptly moved the fuck to New York City. Now it is three years later, and my rockstar texted me to tell me he’s back in town for a bit, and I should come over. I was offended; how dare he think he can just hit me up three years later and I would just come running. I told him I was busy fucking someone else. At first he told me to have fun, but then continued to beg me to come over anyway. So the next night, I went running over to his place. FUCK YES.

The thing is, he’s THAT GUY. It’s not just the great sex. It’s that he feeds me whiskey, cigarettes, and cocaine. He sings me songs. His voice sounds like the angels fell from heaven and are having a drunken orgy on your eardrums. His band is the tits. He introduces me to the coolest of the cool. His house is ridiculous. We go running naked back and forth from his hot tub to his enormous pool. We make love in the moonlight. And then we fuck all night in his big fluffy white bed. He eats pussy like it’s his calling. Oh, and he has a goddamned PUPPY for chrissake.

And I know I’m not the only chick he’s fucking. I don’t care. He’s hooked up with two of my friends, that I know about. I don’t care. He has dozens of model chicks and actress bitches at his disposal. I don’t care. He texts me at four in the morning. I don’t care. If I text him, he rarely texts back. I don’t care. He still has a pair of my earrings that I will never ever see again. I don’t care. All of my friends think he is a total dick. I don’t care. And in fact, his dickishness is exactly what I love about him. He doesn’t give a fuck about me other than to fuck me, and it’s amazing. He will choke me, spank me, pull my hair, and I fucking love it. He will also be sweet and romantic and tell me all sorts of things he won’t remember in the morning and I don’t fucking care.

Lots of girls get bent out of shape over dudes like this. Who don’t ‘respect’ them, who ‘treat them bad’, but keep sending them late night texts. And to this I say: Fuck It.
Who cares? Chances are he is not disrespecting you or trying to treat you poorly. He’s just not thinking about you at all, unless he wants you to come over right that instant. And I say, go over right that instant. When it’s good, it’s good, and when it’s great, it’s great. And don’t fucking worry about it. Get it while the getting is good and you will always have the memories of all those times you fucked that fucking rockstar and how much fucking fun you had.

He’s back in New York now. I might never see him again. Or maybe, in a few weeks, or a few months, or a few years, I might get a text thats says: hey its me come over. And I will fucking go. Because I love fucking him and I always will and I don’t give one single fuck about anything else. So go do it. Fuck your fucking rockstar. It’s worth it; I promise.

Just don’t leave anything at his house.

Rule #60: Know The Difference Between FUCKABLE vs DATEABLE

Posted by Rachel Hangover in sex

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Not all Goslings are created equal.

Not all Goslings are created equal.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.  It is time for us, as women, to figure out something that men have known forever: just because someone isn’t your ideal mate doesn’t mean you shouldn’t fuck his brains out whenever you want to.  You just need to differentiate between who is worthy of your time, energy, love, and commitment, and who is worthy of just your pussy.  I’ve seen so many of my girlfriends get their hearts broken because they didn’t know this very simple rule.

Now, while everyone is different, the main thing to think about is the criteria you need met.  For me personally, if a dude is dateable he must meet all of the following criteria:

1.  He is attractive and leads a healthy lifestyle

2.  He has a good job where he is successful or making the world a better place

3.  He has a good relationship with his family/friends and compatibility with mine

4.  He’s smart, funny, compassionate and shares my political, social, and spiritual views.

For a guy to be fuckable, he has to meet the following criteria:

1.  He’s hot

2.  His dick works.

(And in fact, I can be lenient with the second one.  I was “fucking” a little rockstar at one point whose nasty little coke problem made it impossible for him to get it up no matter how hard we both tried.  However, his enthusiasm and skill when it came to cunnilingus made that a moot point.   *sigh*  I miss that guy.)

So many women are out looking for The Perfect Man, that they blow off a perfectly good Fuckable Man.  They are pining away, waiting for an imaginary ideal, using up the batteries in their vibrators, dreaming of Mr. Right when they could be getting their ass pounded to the wall by Mr. Right Now.  What a fucking waste.  What should be happening instead, is that women take advantage of a good/easy/convenient fuck while still on the lookout for the guy who has it all.  MEN DO THIS WITH EVERY GIRL THEY MEET.  We need to learn it, love it, live it, NOW.

The problem is that a lot of women have trouble separating sex and emotions.  GET OVER IT.  Don’t ALLOW emotions to get involved until they evolve naturally.  If he’s not the perfect man for you, why in the fuck would you waste your emotional energy wondering how he thinks of or feels for you?  Why would you want or expect a man to start a relationship with you when you barely know him and he barely knows you?

Of course, most men fall somewhere in between The Perfect Man and a Human Dildo and sometimes things can get confusing.  I’ve fallen for fuck buddies and I’ve realized a guy I thought was perfect on paper was nothing but a dick.  When this happens, separate yourself from him immediately and give yourself a little time.  Find out what you both want.  If you caught feelings and he doesn’t feel the same way, GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.  And if the opposite is true, break it off with him.  Its only fair.

Since most of the men you meet aren’t going to meet your criteria for boyfriend material, have fun and keep it casual.  Don’t let a good dick go to waste.  Don’t get caught up in the feels until you’re sure its something real.  Get some good lovin’ while the gettin’ is good because nothing makes you look hotter than being a confident woman who is obviously gettin’ some.  And all that sexy afterglow might just attract the one you’ve been waiting for.

We’re Talking Dirty on the MHOG Podcast

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Podcast

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Listen to me and Liz talk about screwing, sporking and stalking with the boys of the MHOG Podcast.

How to Dress to Get Laid

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in How-To

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dresstogetlaid

Girls, time to ditch the push-up bra and trying-too-hard slut dress.   I live in Los Angeles, where things are decidedly more cazh, but I’ve found the outfit that makes me the most fuckable is a great pair of jeans and a tank that shows a generous amount of side boob, front boob, top boob or underboob.

Now, it’s not easy to find the perfect pair of jeans that makes my ass look perkier than a just-picked peach.  But Friday night I wore a pair from my friend’s new denim line, Schoen by Yu, (I was poured into The Ingenue, pictured above) and when I bent over to pick up my keys off the floor, the BF practically tore them off me, then tore into me.  I hadn’t felt his dick that hard since the new Star Wars movies were announced.  When we finished, I vowed then and there that the only time I would take off my favorite new pair of jeans would be sexy time.

And you can’t go wrong with a simple American Apparel tank over a lace bra.  My go-to is this tri-blend racer tank (I like to size up for ultimate side-boob action.)

P.S. If you want these amazing jeans at half the price, make a pledge on the official Schoen by Yu Kickstarter page!

Are You A Thrill-Fucker?

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in sex

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thrillfucker

Do you like to have sex in public places?

I never thought I was into thrill-fucking, mostly because I’m not into getting caught. But then I realized that I do love to engage in more than a little PDA: Public Displays of Ass.

SEX IN A PLANE:
Being inducted into the mile-high club usually takes place in a tiny plane bathroom — but have you ever done it right there in your seat? Fucking SARS foiled my favorite plane position when they took away the free blankets but next time bring your own, wait for the seatbelt sign to go off and then get off.

SEX IN A CAR:

My little Prius has seen more action than Roman Polanski at a sweet sixteen party. This is an all-time favorite of mine, I’ll do it in the backseat, in the front seat, parked in the parking lot of a mall or off the highway in the middle of the desert.

SEX IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM:

Although I have done it a few times before in the bathroom of a Thai food place (gross), and the Hotel Cafe, I continually fantasize about higher-end places to have sex in a public bathroom. My top two must-dos are the bathroom in the SLS hotel lobby (mirrors from floor to ceiling) and the frosted glass stalls at the co-ed Crunch Fitness bathroom.

SEX AL FRESCO:

I’ve come close but have never actually come outside, either on the beach or in the park. I really don’t want to wash sand out of my naughty parts for days and grass gives me a rash that my partner may suspect is the herp, so I tend to stay away from those two areas But if you’ve got a blankie, I say go ahead and get some spankie.

Where else have you tried/fantasized about sex in a public place? And how did it (or you) go off?

Rule #56: Ditch Him If He Doesn’t Go Down On You Every Time

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, orgasms, sex, vagina

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The ONLY exceptions to this rule are:

a) if you have your period
b) if you have a yeast infection
c) if you’ve just had sex and you’re covered in lube/a mixture of both of your bodily fluids
d) if he has a cold sore

I think that just about covers it. Even if your booty call caught you off guard and you haven’t shaved your cooch in weeks, a guy should always be pulling your underwear off and going to town.

It’s an essential part of foreplay, so don’t ever let a guy make you think that him licking you is a “special” thing either. A “special” thing is him buying you a new Marc Jacobs bag or writing you a two page love note telling you you’re the woman he wants to marry. Oral sex is a turn on and it makes intercourse far more pleasurable, so if a guy isn’t doing it, it’s safe to say he doesn’t care about getting you off. And simply put, you shouldn’t be getting naked with someone who doesn’t want to make you come.

Of the handful of men I’ve slept with, I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum. There were a few guys who made it obvious that they LOVED licking me, but I was with one guy for two years who never once did it. EVER! I was young and stupid and didn’t realize that this unacceptable bedroom behavior, and though he redeemed himself when we rekindled our romance 7 years later, never again will I put myself in that position.

How to Deal With That One-Night Stand You Keep Bumping Into

Posted by Rachel Hangover in One-Night Stand

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onenightstand

Oh, fuck.  Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.  There he is again.  That GUY you fucked that one time.  Or was it two?  Three?  Oh, who’s counting?  Here he comes, with a bunch of his friends.   What do you do?  WHAT DO YOU DO???

*Ahem*

STEP 1:  Make eye contact.  Don’t pretend you didn’t see him.  That is some lame ass seventh grade shit and he can smell it.  If he doesn’t see you, then sweet, you don’t have to deal with it.  If he pretends not to see you, then sweet, he’s a douche and you never have to fuck him again.  But if he does see you…

STEP 2:  Smile.  Don’t do a fake cheesy newscaster smile.  Those never look good.  And don’t grin wildly with fear in your eyes.  Gah!  That’s the worst thing you can do.  Just give him a polite ‘oh, nice to see you smile’.  Nothing more, nothing less.  He will either
a) ignore you, and then he’s a douche- no worries, whatever.
b) smile back, and go about his business – cool, no harm, no foul
c) wave or make some other gesture, in which case you return said gesture, but no more, no less  OR
d) comes over to give you a hug and/or strike up a conversation
IF THIS HAPPENS, it means he had a good time fucking you and most likely wants to do it again…

STEP 3:  Play it cool.  Be nice.  Tell him its nice to see him and ask how he has been.  If he wants a hug, give it to him.  You already gave him your punanny, you can handle a goddamned hug.  He will either
a)  keep it short and sweet and go about his business and then, yay, that was nice.  Its always nice to run into nice people.  OR
b)  make himself comfortable and/or introduce you to his friends
IF THIS HAPPENS it means he DEFINITELY wants to fuck you again…

STEP 4:  Accept or decline.  If you choose to
a)  decline, be super sweet about it.  Be honest.  Tell him the real reason behind why you ‘can’t’ or why ‘tonight isn’t a good night’.  If you want to fuck him again, try to make plans for another time.  If you don’t, let him down gently. He’s obviously a sweet, solid, respectful dude for handling this situation this well so far…  BUT if you choose to
b) accept, then FUCK YEAH! Ride that baby boy like you did before and be all sorts of pleased with yourself about it.  You win!  You just turned a one night stand into a multiple night stand and maybe even a recurring fuck buddy. Congratulations, you are a boss bitch.  Now go get down with your bad self AND your new boy toy.  Cheers, you’ve earned it.

“Should I Still be F*cking My Ex?”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Ask a Depraved Bitch

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ex-sex

In this edition of “Ask a Depraved Bitch,” a reader wants to know if it’s cool to deja-fuck your ex.

So, here’s the problem: I’ve been fucking my ex, the very same asshole that broke my heart and dumped me two days before Christmas (after three years of going back and forth.)

Skipping the “he loves me, he loves me not” bullshit, basically I’m still fucking him.  I still have the keys to his house, I still spend weekends with my daughter at his place…I’ll even go and do his dishes or laundry while hes at work… what the fuck is wrong with me?! He is a douchebag! He’s selfish insensitive and cruel…but the sex is amazing and hes got this way of making me feel needed…

So my friend is soo fed up with my shit and set me up with a long time friend of hers who is a really nice, sweet gentleman… buuut I still want to fuck my ex.

My question(s) are: Do I have to tell either or both if them what’s going on? And should I still even be fucking my ex? Is this a sign he still wants to be with me or am I just his fuck-buddy?

Sincerely, a Desperate and Depressingly Depraved Dip-Shit.

Dear DDDD:

While ex-sex is always complicated (my last deja-fuck turned into a deja-relationship that ended up as a deja-breakup), you absolutely do not have to tell this new guy about the other dicks you’ve been fucking.  Nor do you have to disclose anything about Mr. Nice Guy (who, frankly, sounds like a pussy) to your fuck buddy.

You’re not explicitly exclusive to either of them, so get your freak on while you can.  Just make sure you keep your distance with your ex — no sleepovers, no weekend hangs with your daughter and no doing his dishes … Unless you’re doing them naked in 4-inch stilettoes while he watches with a hard-on.

xox

 

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Toys Aren’t Just For Kids!

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, fuck, orgasms

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So don’t be afraid to bust one out during sex!

The first few times I’m intimate with someone this doesn’t even cross my mind because I’m enjoying the experience and getting used to the feeling of it all. However, after I spend more time with a guy, I feel more comfortable letting myself go. And we all know how tricky it is to get me off, so usually this doesn’t happen unless there’s a fully-charged vibrator thrown into the mix.

The first time I ever attempted this, it was the guy’s idea, and I was so nervous I couldn’t even come. I felt like I was on the spot and I had actually never gotten off with/in front of a guy before, so I froze. I was 24. The next time this happened was with Heartbreaker, and we had been together for a few months, so it was a lot less nerve wracking. After a while, it ended up becoming a pretty regular part of our bedroom routine, especially when the infamous Liberator was involved. Tall, Dark and Handsome suggested it a few times when we were hooking up, but I wasn’t ready to scream in front of him just yet. That and I seem to have misplaced the charger for my Lelo, and only one of the prongs on my Jopen vibe works, so it seemed like too much of a hassle to explain. But I was getting close to that point with him, so if we had continued seeing each other for a few more weeks, he would have finally gotten to see my O face.

And that’s the thing: If you’re not completely comfortable with someone, don’t do it. It’s normal to be nervous until you reach a certain level of intimacy and the goal is to feel good, not embarrassed. But once you are ready, don’t think for one second that any man will find it emasculating if you use your toy in front of them. And if they do, dump them immediately.

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, dating and awkward moments in the bedroom.

Why The 3 Date Rule is Bullshit

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, sex

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The usual dating conventions tell us girls that we should wait at least three dates before having sex with some guy. But here’s why that’s bullshit:

  1. He could die before the third date.
  2. You could die before the third date.
  3. He could just as easily not call you back after third date sex as he could after first date sex — at least you won’t waste your time on two more dates.
  4. If you wanna fuck him, you should fuck him.
  5. It’s 2014.  Stop following the rules your grandma made up.