Currently browsing Posts Tagged “sex”

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Rule #53: Eat My Ass

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in ass, butt, orgasms, sex

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eatmyass

While this is a phrase I’ve caught myself using during frequent fits of road rage, most of the time I really just want to yell this at whatever guy has his face buried in my snatch.

Oral sex is nice and all, but if you want me to scream and writhe around in bed like I’m being exorcised, eating my ass is most definitely the way to go about doing it. I don’t want anything IN my butthole, but for some reason having a guy’s tongue ON it takes me to the next level when it comes to orgasms. And this plus a vibrator on my clit? Ha! That makes me cum so hard I actually laugh uncontrollably afterwards, which is how I know it’s really a good one.

As far as ass eating goes, there are definitely some rules. I will only let a guy do this if I’ve shaved and showered within the last two hours, and if I even so much as fart, it’s off. The funny thing is, I’ve actually never demanded that guy to do this to me. Usually they just offer or if they ask what I like and I’ll bashfully tell them, but act like I am embarrassed about it because I’m super loud. Of course, they want to hear me scream, so they can’t resist…

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Don’t Tell Me To Touch Myself

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, fuck, How-To, orgasms, sex

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woman-masturbating

Please don’t tell me to touch myself when we’re getting it on.

I don’t need to be the boss, but I’m not big on men making demands of me in the bedroom. I’d like to think that we’re equals, and if you have a specific request, there are reasonable ways to ask.

When we’re naked in bed and you’re kissing my neck and we’re about to take it to the next level, the quickest way to kill the mood is to whisper in my ear, “I want you to play with your pussy.” First of all, the word pussy is just…ugh. Don’t! Second, ordering me to masturbate on command makes me cringe. It’s pretty difficult to get me off unless you’ve been going down on me for a few minutes (or unless there’s a toy involved), but if you’re watching me rub myself and I feel like I have to put on a show, it’s the least pleasurable thing ever. It’s not going make me orgasm, and I’m a terrible actress, so all it’s going to do is make me look and feel stupid.

If I want to play with myself during sex, you’ll know…or you can just take charge and grab my vibrator out of my top drawer. That’s the guaranteed way to make me scream…and you don’t even have to ask!

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, love and dating douchebags.

Don’t Waste Your Time On Tinder

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, sex

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Last summer, every girl I know was raving about all the hot guys on Tinder and how it was such a quick and easy way to meet them. However, flash forward to the present day, and I don’t know a single person who ended up having a Tinder success story, myself included.

One of my girlfriends dated a guy whom we now believe was homeless (he had no friends and he basically moved in with her on the second date), another one fought with her date over their dinner bill, and one of my guy friends got involved with this crazy bitch who put his picture, phone number and e-mail address on Grindr when he stopped calling/fucking her. When he texted me from a new number a few days later and told me the story, I was equally amused and horrified.

The guys who are on Tinder now are total creeps, so if you want to amass a large collection of dick pictures on your phone, fuck random dudes and never hear from them again, Tinder is be perfect for you. But all the eligible bachelors have seemingly quit the app, so if you’re looking for more than a late night booty call, don’t even waste your time. You have a better chance of meeting a decent man at a dive bar (or OK Cupid) than you do from swiping right.

What’s Better Than Sex?

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, sex

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When Heather introduced me last week, she mentioned that I had come straight from the gynecologist’s stirrups.  I only like spreading my legs when I know I’m about to get a primo poundfest, but the one thing I obsess over more than sex is getting answers.  And I know the gyno is the one place where I can go to find out what’s 100% real and what’s not. Even psychics can’t guarantee those kinds of numbers!

After ending things with yet another doucheboat (douchebag + dreamboat, which is seriously half of the men in Los Angeles), I was a little concerned that some of our amazing, condom-less sex might have left me with more than just fond memories of our naked romps in the bedroom. Every time I hook up or break up with a guy, I somehow manage to convince myself that I have herpes, even though I’ve never had a single symptom or a positive reaction on a blood test. Just to play it on the safe side, I always get tested in between partners.

I had been tested before my latest lover and I was fine, but since we weren’t using protection after we had “the talk” and I didn’t see his test results on paper, I knew there was a small chance that I could have the herp. Apparently 1 in 5 people have HSV2 (the genital kind), and of those 20%, up to 80% of them never show signs, so you do the math. It’s fucking terrifying. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I also know of two females who got herpes on their vaginas from a guy who only tested positive for HSV1 (the oral kind). You CAN get HSV1 on your mouth and down south, but it’s kind of a perfect storm situation to get them on your cooch. I’ll write all about that some other time, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m seriously considering using dental dams. I don’t know what’s more alarming: the thought of getting an untreatable STD that causes painful blisters or the thought of having completely terrible oral sex because there’s essentially a piece of saran wrap between my clit and my man’s tongue…

And that’s the thing. Even if you’ve figured out who he’s banged over the years, examined his dick with a magnifying glass and he’s showed you his test on paper, you never know until you get the good word from your gyno. And that usually comes in the mail (or in my case, via an e-mail attachment of my lab results). If they call, it’s never a good thing. But either way, at least you know for sure! I do now…and I’m happy to report that I am totally disease-free.

Want more from Elisabeth?  Check out her blog at singlegirlproblems.com!

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Get Elevated!

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, sex

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Whether it’s investing in a Liberator or using a few pillows to prop yourself up, it’s all about getting banged at the right angles.

My ex and I invested in a Liberator because, well, why the fuck not. But if you don’t have $200 to throw away on a massive foam wedge that you have to hide in the back of your closet when friends come over, two regular pillows always do the trick. Not only does it make certain positions feel better (read: deeper penetration), but when it comes to doing it doggy style, you will always look better with your tush in the air. Some guys may claim to be leg or tit men, but deep down, every dude is truly an ass man. When you bend over, any under-ass/thigh cellulite virtually disappears, they can see your vag and if you’re a pro at arching your back, it makes your butt look bigger and your waist look skinnier.

You’re welcome.

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about everything from overpriced sex furniture to dating douchebags in Los Angeles.

Rule #51: What You Don’t Know May Give You Herpes

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in RULE

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The worst thing about new fucks is not knowing what the hell is going on in their heads.  That’s why I am a big proponent of using whatever means necessary to get information (stalking, bribing his friends, checking his texts) because what you don’t know may actually give you an STD.

That’s why my fellow depraved friend Elisabeth (read her blog here) always schedules a visit with the gyno when any exclusive (i.e. condomless) relationship ends – whether as the result of a guy cheating, or just a suspicious sudden stop in communication.

Because the only thing worse than a relationship going south is a herpes breakout down south.

Speaking of my depraved friend Elisabeth, she’s going to become a regular contributor to this blog.  Show her some love on singlegirlproblems.com and check back here tomorrow for the first of many of her depraved posts!

Rule #46: If Your Man Isn’t as Interested in Sex as You, F*ck Him

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Rules

One of the biggest issues affecting Depraved Girls today is the lack of fuck-conscious men.  Sure, stereotypically, it’s the men who beg and plead the women to bone them, but in my experience (and maybe it has to do with the fact that I’ve just encountered much more whiskey and coke-dick than the average woman), us ladies are just not getting our clam off as much as we’d like.

So if your man is acting all reluctant to wiggle his peen in you vag, fuck him.  Dump his ass and go to a comic book store (do those still even exist?) or a Christian retreat and find a guy who will.

Of course if you’re too lazy to leave the house to find some new dick, you could also just fuck him, literally.  Doesn’t matter if he’s too busy with his XBOX, dose him with Viagra and climb aboard while he’s playing Call of Duty.