Ugh. That feel when you wake up and you know you shouldn’t have kissed him last night but you did. And it’s done now and you can’t undo it. And who knows if you even want to. Who knows anything? What the fuck WAS that?
The fact of the matter is you wanted him to stay. Even though you were the one who pulled away and said it was weird and incestuous, you wanted him to stay. And maybe it’s just because it’s December, and you both just really needed someone to snuggle and make out with. And maybe it’s just because it felt so nice to snuggle and love on someone you actually give a fuck about. Someone whose opinion matters to you. Someone who roots for you and who – oh, goddamnit – makes you better. Maybe it was just really nice to spend some time with someone who is more intelligent than you.
And maybe it IS weird and incestuous. But who really cares if you hooked up with his brother? That was years ago and you don’t feel anything for him anymore other than loving the fuck out of that whole family. And who cares that he’s hooked up with more than one of your friends? That’s what happens when you know someone for over ten years. Maybe it’s not weird at all and you’re making a bigger deal out of it than you need to. You are DEFINITELY over thinking it, like you always do, but you can’t help it because the contact solution and lens case that you got out for him last night are staring you in the face, forcing you to be honest with yourself: You tried to get him to stay. You really wanted him to stay. But he didn’t because he’s more intelligent than you.
And you just feel weird because you don’t know what, if anything, you want from him. All you know is that you want to create art with him and even though one of your best friends thinks you should also create babies with him, you don’t know if you want that ever and it’s all just very confusing. So it goes. It is what it is. And you must remember this: a kiss is just a kiss. And it’s been a long December. Maybe this year will be better than the last. The feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls. And the days go by so fast. Who knows anything? Snuggles and kisses are just the best, so no regrets.