Currently browsing Posts Published in 2010

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Still Looking For An XXX-Mas Gift?

Posted by Heather in Shopping, XXX-Mas

Girls, if you’re like me, you usually wait until the very last minute go Christmas shopping. But never fear, Depraved Girl is here with a few XXX-Mas suggestions for the not-so-special guy in your life:

You know how he’s been begging for anal for weeks? Well, tell him his gift is that you’re finally ready for butt play, but when he comes over surprise him with this “Ilya Fleet Harness” from Coco de Mer. Hey, you’re game if he is!

Depraved girls love bad boys. Ok, ALL girls love bad boys, so if he’s been really naughty this year, you can get him this “Teach Me A Lesson” Ruler (also from CdM). Tell him it comes with a nude spanker (you of course.) And since I’m sure you didn’t exactly top Santa’s “Nice” list, don’t be stingy, turn around, stick out that ass and let him teach you a lesson, too.

But my favorite XXX-Mas gift is the one that keeps on giving … er, cumming:

I have no problem giving a good blow job. I’ll go down at the drop of a hat. But they don’t call it a job for nothing, that shit is hard work! The “Pink Lady” Fleshlight will do the trick when you’ve had so many vodka sodas waiting for his ass to come over that you passed out (or you’re just too damn tired.)

If these gifts don’t jingle his balls, you could always give him what he gave you last year for Christmas: chlamydia!

Sex Window

Posted by Heather in sex, window

sexwindow

My boyfriend has a “sex window.” Like he’ll get incredibly horny but if I don’t do something about it within oh, about a half-an-hour, he loses the urge to purge his spoodge. I never understood that. I’m like a car, once you turn me on, I’ll keep running until I’m out of gas … or you turn me off with something like incredibly disgusting toenails.

But to be fair, I have a sex window too — it looks out directly onto my neighbor’s bedroom, where I can see him getting it on with his boyfriend at practically all hours.

Sometimes it’s Sexier With Your Clothes On

Posted by Heather in clothes, fuck, sex

sexclotheson

I know men are very visual mother-fuckers and love to see the whole butt-naked, spread-eagled package before they get down to business. But sometimes I think sex is so much hotter when most of your clothes are still on.

Maybe it reminds me of grade school when I had to sneak in a quickie with my first boyfriend before my mom made it to the top of the stairs with the milk and cookies, but there’s just something so very naughty about the simple unzipping of a fly, and pulling down of the panties before you stick it in that gets me nice and moist.

It’s like, you’re so hot for your guy, you can’t even wait for him to pull his pants down before you need to put the p in the v.

So ladies, the next time you’re gearing up for some sexy time with your man (or that random dirty hot dude who’s been eye-fucking you from the end of the bar), wear a skirt, ditch the knickers, and take nothing off before you get off.

Rule #33: It’s Not About How You Get His Attention — It’s About How You Keep It

Posted by Heather in Rule #33: It's Not About How You Get His Attention It's About How You Keep It

It's Not About How You Get His Attention, It's About How You Keep It

There are all sorts of depraved ways to get a guy’s attention. Grab his ass. Hell, grab his cock. I have one friend who liked to “oopsie” spill her drink on guys she wanted to bang. It doesn’t really matter how you meet — it’s what you do with his meat afterwards that’ll have him crying for more.

For instance, my friend who would “accidentally” spill her drink on a guy started to realize that some people were either too drunk/high/insecure to even turn around and say “hey, you spilled a drink on me!” So she started to get more aggressive. She decided that she was going to start throwing drinks on guys, in what she’d explain would be a huge misunderstanding. Right before she sucked the life out of them.

Once, she made the mistake of throwing a drink on a hot off-duty cop who was not the least bit amused or fooled by her fake story of a misunderstanding. He was about to throw some cuffs on her when she offered to give him the best hummer of his life if he just forgot about the whole thing.

Well, that certainly got his attention.

He had her arrested for bribing a police officer. The charges were eventually dismissed, but she still swears that her method for picking up guys is foolproof. She just asks if they’re a cop now before offering any sexual favors.

Rule #33: Sometimes a Girl Just Needs a Good F*ck

Posted by Heather in dtf, fuck, sex

girlneedsagoodfuck

I have this friend, we’ll call her M, who is hot, smart, successful and totally DTF. But she can never find a guy who will give it to her good on a regular basis!

It seems like a woman who wants some NSA sex on a regular basis would be every guy’s dream, but instead, her encounters turn out to be a nightmare (he can’t get it up, he just wants to “cuddle”, etc.) Or the ones she meets who ARE willing to stick it to her good are usually some kind of fetish freaks. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a little spanking, whipping and role-playing now and then, but she’s definitely not into the furries.

Are guys so intimidated by a girl who’s totally blunt about the fact that she just wants a good fuck that they can’t perform?

Well, if there ARE any dicks out there who willing, able, reasonably normal (looks-wise and sexual preference-wise) and in the LA area, post a link to your FB page and maybe she’ll hit you up.

Love is a Mean, Jealous Bitch

Posted by Heather in bitch, jealousy, Love

jealousbitch

I was at a wedding this weekend, and like a scene straight out of Wedding Crashers, someone stood up and gave a reading from Corinthians. You know — “Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

I wanted to stand up and say bitch, please, that is NOT the love I know!

The love I know is a mean, jealous bitch. The kind of girl who will steal your boyfriend and post semi-naked photos of them together on Facebook and “accidentally” tag you in them. (True story.) The kind of bitch who will Carrie Underwood a guy’s car if he even so much as glances in the direction of the hot bartender (even if he’s just trying to order a drink!)

So this Paul dude’s girl must have been a master at keeping her shit under wraps. Or he was on some biblical E trip when he wrote that letter to the Corinthians.

I Kissed A Girl…And She Was a Stripper!

Posted by Heather in I Kissed A Girl, kiss, lesbian, strippers

I Kissed A Girl

Did I ever tell you guys about the first time I kissed a girl?

I was 20 years old and living it up in Las Vegas with a fake ID. It was four in the morning, which meant my friends and I were just getting ready to pop our second E.

We were talking a rest from the raging clubs at one of those old school Vegas bars, (the one with the fire pits) when a girl came up to me and asked me if I knew what spots were hot that night.

She was petite and brunette, like me, but had something that I didn’t and was mesmerized by: a tongue piercing. I told her I had no idea and she confessed that she had just asked me that because she wanted to talk to me. She then invited me to see her dance the next night (I couldn’t believe this adorable alterna-chick was a stripper!) but unfortunately, we were leaving that afternoon.

Then the song “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes came on the jukebox. I know, gross, right?

“This is my favorite song to dance to,” she said. “Do you mind if I give you a lap dance?”

She pulled a chair out and sat me down right there in the middle of the floor. She gave me the hottest, slowest and juiciest lap dance I’ve ever had, to this date.

When the song came to an end, SHE tipped ME. Clutching my fiver, I leaned over and gave her a kiss just as slow and wet as her lap dance.

I’ve never listened to “What’s Up” the same way since.

Do you have a depraved tale of your first same-sex tongue wrestle? Kiss and tell in the comments below!

Rule #30: If You Really Wanna Know What Your Man Likes In Bed, Ask The Gay Guy He’s Messing Around With

Posted by Heather in Rule #30: If You Really Wanna Know What Your Man Likes In Bed Ask The Gay Guy He's Messing Around With

themanyourmanisfucking

Men are dirty, despicable pigs. And if you’re not giving it to him nice and nasty, there’s a gay guy who is. He’s the man your man is mouth-fucking when you’re not looking.

I have a friend, we’ll call him L., who just loves to prey on pent-up straight dudes who are too afraid to ask their women for exactly what they want in bed. My friend can spot one of these guys a mile away.

He innocently starts out by asking the guy if he has a girlfriend, then slowly steers the conversation towards sex. “What won’t she do for you?” he asks, invariably getting the answer that the guy wants to pull your hair as you’re going down on him or shove his entire nutsac in your mouth, or call you a filthy fucking whore as he’s doing you from behind. That’s when L. leans over to them and says “I’ll give you the best blowjob of your life, and you can do anything you want to me.”

You’d be surprised at how many allegedly “straight” guys go for this! After all, it’s not gay if they’re just getting sucked off, right?

So ladies, if you want your man to be satisfied in bed, I’d suggest you start opening your mind, opening your mouth and be prepared to get a little down and dirty with your guy.

A Little Light Kink

Posted by Heather in heavy, kink, kinky, light

lightkink

My girlfriend S. was on an amazing first date last night. He was hot, he was employed, and the night looked as if it was headed for some first-date-fuckery.

While having after-dinner drinks at the Chateau, he leaned in and whispered “What are you into?” She assumed he meant sex and not tennis or hiking or some hobby shit like that so my somewhat sexually conservative friend answered, “You know, the usual stuff, but I’m open. What are you into?”

“A little light kink,” he said. “Oh really? Like what?”

“Fisting.”

S. didn’t stick around to find out whether he meant he wanted to be the fister or the fistee, but as she told me her heartbroken hungover story I had to wonder, is fisting really considered “light kink?”

I’m all for some spankings, some handcuffs and some nipple clamps if we want to talk about lighter fare, but when an entire fist is up your butt, I’d say that’s about as light as Kelly Clarkson after a breakup.

What’s your definition of light vs. heavy kink? And is a fister a deal-breaker?

Rule #29: The Only Reason You Should Be in Bed in the Middle of the Day is if There’s a Man in It

Posted by Heather in nap, Rule #29: The Only Reason You Should Be in Bed in the Middle of the Day is if There's a Man in It

afternoondelight

I don’t really “get” napping — unless you’re an infant or have passed out from daytime drinking, the only reason you should be in the bed in the middle of the day is if there’s a guy in it.

I got plenty of shit to do during the day — like bleach my asshole, stalk my latest crush or plot revenge against my ex — I don’t have time to take disco nap or a quick snooze.

The last time I went down for a “power nap”, I woke up to see my then-boyfriend jacking it to his ex on iChat.

After I kicked him to the curb (and cleaned the jizz off my keys), I vowed never to be caught napping again. Life’s too fucking short.

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