Currently browsing Posts Published in 2012
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You’re Welcome
Posted by Heather in Reader Comments
Because Planning is for P*ssies
Posted by Heather in The Book
This is Why I Will Never Allow My Child to Call Me “Mommy”
Posted by Heather in kinky
Now You Have a Word to Describe How You’ll be Feeling Tomorrow Morning
Posted by Heather in The Book
If you’ve been following this blog, you know that “bangover” is one of my favorite phrases (as well as my favorite ailment!) I’ve finally written a definition for what I’m sure is going to be accepted into the Oxford English Dictionary next year.
This is an excerpt from the book, in stores and online May 8th! Please share via Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc., so we can get the word out!
Rule #47: If It’s Not Good For You, It’s Not Good For Them
Posted by Heather in Rules
You know how they say sex is like pizza? Even when it’s bad it’s still good? Well, apparently, this does not apply to BJs.
Last night my friend L was telling this horrible story about a guy he used to date. Apparently the dude had an extremely sensitive gag reflex. Like if he got just the tip in his mouth, he would start to gag. But despite this annoying limitation, he insisted on giving head the old college try. My boy said a blowjob sounded like this:
“Slurp. Gag. Slurp. Gag. Slurp. Gag. Slurp. Gag. Slurp. Gag. Slurp. Gag.”
Does that sound sexy? L. didn’t think so either. So he pulled his dick out of the guy’s mouth, shoved it in his butt and once he was done, they never saw each other again.
Moral of the story is — learn to love giving head!
Reasons Why Guys Flake On You
Posted by Heather in The Book
Ladies, have you ever sat around waiting for some dick to show up only to be flaked on? Well, if you ever wondered why, here’s a very scientific (not really) pie chart to tell you why your pie has gone home alone feeling all abandoned and lonely.
From the book The Girls Guide to Depravity, copyright Running Press Book Publishers.
“Help Me Get Laid Without Getting Screwed!”
Posted by Heather in advice
It’s time for another round of “Ask the Cuntessa”, and this week’s question comes from a woman who’s inexperienced in the ways of depravity!
“I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 6 months for a toothless pill head, and she looks about 50 years old. But that’s besides the point. His parents want me to stay here and live with them (ex bf is currently in jail for a year) and my ex-husband wants me to come home to him. My problem is, I’m very much in love with my ex boyfriend, even though I will never take him back. And going back to my ex-husband feels like a rebound, and it’s the last thing I want to do when it comes to him. He’s the father of my kids, and I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be with him, but right now is just too soon. My breakup with my ex-boyfriend is still fresh, like a week fresh. And I’m new to this whole ‘Getting Laid Without Getting Screwed’ thing. Please point me in the right direction.”
– Depravity Virgin
Dear DV:
The good news is you’re already in the right direction, you’re asking the expert. The bad news is that you’re looking to get laid in all the wrong places — namely, your two exes, who sound trailer park tragic.
What you should do first is fuck someone else. Doesn’t matter if you like him or if he’s into you or the least bit attractive — think of it as a palette cleanser to get the taste of your last boyfriend’s dick out of your mouth.
Then, once you’ve got that out of the way, find yourself a practice guy. Someone you definitely DON’T like, whom you can practice all sorts of things on, from anything sexual to the rules of depravity. If you don’t give a shit about him, you can’t get screwed.
THEN, buy my book. Start with Rule #1. Come back to me when you’ve successfully completely all 55 rules.
Are you in need of my depraved advice? Of course you are! E-mail me here and I just may answer you on the blog!
Mystery Solved
Posted by Heather in The Book
If you ever wondered why some women seem to have a magic vag, one that can get any guy they want, wonder no more.
From the book The Girls Guide to Depravity, copyright Running Press Book Publishers.
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