Posted by Heather in The Book
Don’t fuck with my readers.
The Girl’s Guide to Depravity fan A. decided to put Rule #18: There’s More Than One Way to Fuck a Man to good use when she employed one of my handy revenge tips from the book on some asshole’s Facebook wall.
I think that guy got fucked pretty good. Rock on, my depraved sistah!
Do you have a story of the rules at work? Let me know and I’ll feature it on the blog!
Posted by Heather in Rules
When I was 18, I desperately wanted to fuck Charles Bukowski (I know, what 18-year-old girl didn’t?) I even sent him a letter offering to do just that. A month later, he died.
But just because I never got to fuck my old man (not like that, ew!), doesn’t mean you can’t.
In honor of Girl’s Guide fan Frank, I encourage you to go out and make some grandpa’s day. You could learn some new tricks not seen since the Americans liberated Paris in 1944. (You know those French whores were naaaasty!)
But Frank puts it best:
“You may like it hot, you might like it cold,
You may get it timid, you may get it bold
But you ain’t had it best till you get it old.”
Posted by Heather in awkward moments
Posted by Heather in The Book
Posted by Heather in advice, Ask the Cuntessa
In this edition of “Ask the Cuntessa” a Depraved Virgin wants to know if she should break her hymen with a guy who only wants her for her untouched vag.
“I’m a 25-year-old virgin and I’m tired of it! I’m so frustrated and I know I need to get laid but I get very shy and when the time comes to pop that cherry, I always chicken out. But I found this guy that I had feelings for in the past who wants to be my fuck buddy now. But I’m afraid those feelings may come back … what should I do?”
– I Need a Dick Fix
Dear Dick Fix:
I love nothing more than a slutty virgin. But no matter how much you’d like to think you can f*ck like a man and separate emotions from sex (especially on the first time!) it’s not that easy.
So basically, you have two options:
1. Don’t f*ck your f*ck buddy. The upside is you won’t get emotionally attached to someone who just wants you for sex. The downside, of course, is that you still have your v-card and if you continue to wait for a man who’s cherry-pie worthy, you just might end up being a true 40-year-old virgin.
2. F*ck him. Be fully aware that you will get emotionally involved and most likely heart-broken. Don’t try to kid yourself into thinking that he will somehow be transformed by this experience and suddenly want to be your dude. Stock up on plenty of Xanax, vodka, Pinkberry and the entire Sex and the City boxed set, because those are the only things that will get you through the ensuing months. Pro: you finally got laid!
If what you’re really looking for is a dick fix at any cost, then obviously you go with option 2.
Have fun and don’t forget to bring lots of lube!
Posted by Heather in The Book
Posted by Heather in The Book
Posted by Heather in Rules
Remember when you totally made out with your girlfriend just to get that dirty sexy guy at the bar to go home with you? But then he ended up going home with your girlfriend? Yeah, that happened.
So the next time you think about putting on a cute little “show” that involves kissing someone of the opposite sex or doing a strip tease in the middle of the bar or betting him that he can’t hit the middle of your tits with his jizz while everyone at the party looks on (yeah, that happened), just stop.
Don’t get me wrong, I love to put on a show more than a gay guy at drama camp, but if I’m going to be getting up on stage and playing a part, I want to be sure that he’s going to be sticking around for my encore.
Posted by Heather in The Book
Girls are always asking me whether or not that drinks/coffee/dinner/movie “thing” they went on was a date. So I made this handy reference guide and put it in my new book, out next week. You’re welcome.
Posted by Heather in advice, Ask the Cuntessa
Ever since I started blogging about how I was playing for the other team (you know, giving advice to guys), I’ve been inundated with e-mails from guys who want to know how to approach a Depraved Girl. So in this week’s “Ask the Cuntessa”, I’ve decided it was time they got lucky.
This girl gave me her number. What should I say in my first text to her?
– Finger Fucked
Hopefully something like “The sex last night was great, can’t wait to fuck you again!”
How does an average guy, who doesn’t have experience “picking-up” women, and doesn’t play games, find and recognize depraved girls, and what is the best way to approach and proposition them?
– Average Joe
You don’t “play games”? Well, if you want to get laid, you better suit up and get ready, because if you don’t play, you’ll never score. A girl can easily get laid with a direct approach (“Hi, wanna fuck?” can work like a charm) but a dude needs to finesse that shit a little bit before going in for the kill (or the g-spot, as it were.)
You say you need help identifying a Depraved Girl. Depraved Girls come in all different shapes, sizes and outfits, so don’t just look for the sluttiest bitch at the bar — sometimes there’s a freak hiding underneath that turtleneck. Check out what she’s drinking — if it’s a white wine or a Cosmojito — pass. If she’s at the bar, drinking whiskey straight, there’s a good chance she’s a Depraved Girl.
Every Depraved Girl knows free drinks taste better, so right off the bat, buy her a drink. If she tries to ditch you for another guy, offer to be her wingman. Find ways to subtly trash the guy while making it seem like you’re helping her out “Oh, you love (insert obnoxious indie rock band here)? She has a weakness for guys with shitty taste in music!” If she succeeds with the guy, make sure you give her your number in case she needs your wingman services in the future (hoping that she’ll text you if she needs your dick services in the future.) BUT, things may go badly, in which case feel free to say, “look, you can spend the next half hour trying to land a different douche, or you can spend the next half hour getting fucked at my place right now.”
Hey, there’s no shame in sloppy seconds!
What should guys do to get laid (at a bar, bookstore, campus, wherever)?
–Desperately Seeking Poon
Step one: TALK TO A GIRL! You’d be surprised at how many of us are just waiting for something as simple as a guy just walking up and saying hello. Of course, there are bonus points if you make us laugh. And if you’re hot.
Are you in need of my depraved advice? Of course you are! Contact me here and I just may answer you on the blog!
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