Sometimes this is all a girl needs to get off.  Well, this followed by a full half hour of oral.

Remember when I decided to play for the other team and help out a friend who was trying to fuck this 24-year-old receptionist at his work?

Well, thanks to my advice, it totally worked! Dude finally banged her last night and he said it was all because I had told him to go fuck someone else first.

There you go, folks, proof the Rules of Depravity will get you laid. If you or someone you know needs a little advice of their own, you can send your questions to thegirlsguidetodepravity@gmail.com and I’ll answer them here on the blog.  Or if you want to remain anonymous, you can always contact me through Formspring!

I was just talking to one of my Depraved Guy friends (yep, I go both ways when it comes to depraved advice) who is getting p*ssy thrown at him right and left these days — but he really wants to get back together with an ex.

So of course I told him he better pounce on as much ass as he can right now, and then try to re-connect with his ex.  Not only is it going to make him that much more attractive to his former flame (we have a way of just being able to smell the sex on you), but once he’s back in his relationship, you know he’ll only be getting it like once a week, maybe twice a week on birthdays and Christmas.

“Go forth and f*ck, my friend,” I told him.  And indeed he did!

Ladies, we’ve all been there — the lust of your life is finally drunk enough to go home with you, but you’re riding the crimson wave.  Do you opt to go home and have a threesome with Ben & Jerry or do you suck it up make the best of your bloody situation?

Obviously, I opt for the latter.

Let’s be honest, sometimes sex on your period just feels incredible. And although most guys I meet today either don’t mind it or are totally into it, you don’t want to have to set up a Dexter-style kill room before he sticks it in.

So here’s how to work it with minimal disruption to your sexy time:

• Before you even leave the club, stick in a fresh tampon.
• As soon as you get your prey home, give him another Tequila shot (or two) then quickly go into the bathroom, remove the ‘pon and give your cooch a whore’s bath.
• Bring a towel out out of the loo with you and lay it down on the bed.
• Put the condom on and go to town. Obviously with you on top, gravity won’t be helping your situation much, but chances are, he’s pretty wasted at this point and won’t notice when the red river starts gushing. So do your worst, you on top, him on top, you on your side, him on his side … go to town.
• As soon as he blows his load, reach for the bloody condom and grab the towel. Take them both into the bathroom, clean yourself up a little bit then return with a warm washcloth to wash off his dizzick.
• At this point, he should be passed out, so feel free to use the STD flashlight you keep near your bed to see if you’ve missed any spots and clean them up with the washcloth.
• Insert fresh tampon and pass the fuck out!

I love my job. And by “job”, of course I mean “blowjob”.

And apparently, I’m very good at it. How do I know? Because I’ve washed more spoodge out of my hair than Tom Cruise.

So one thing I can’t stand is when I’m doing my thing and a guy puts his hands on my head to guide me. I don’t need a tour guide to direct me to where your dick is, it’s currently in my mouth.

So just sit back and relax and let me do my job.

My boyfriend has a “sex window.” Like he’ll get incredibly horny but if I don’t do something about it within oh, about a half-an-hour, he loses the urge to purge his spoodge. I never understood that. I’m like a car, once you turn me on, I’ll keep running until I’m out of gas … or you turn me off with something like incredibly disgusting toenails.

But to be fair, I have a sex window too — it looks out directly onto my neighbor’s bedroom, where I can see him getting it on with his boyfriend at practically all hours.