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As couples all over the country are preparing to stuff themselves on heavy, overpriced meals followed by boner-killing desserts that are so rich they’ll be unable to work off those calories in the bedroom, single people also have something to celebrate this Valentine’s day — the fact that they’re much skinnier than their breeder counterparts.

Once you start a relationship, it’s all about the fucking. You meet up for drinks, then you head to one of your apartments (or just the back alley if you’re revved up enough) for some sex. Pretty soon, you’re skipping the drinks and just going over to each others’ houses for a booty call. But then something happens. Someone sleeps over. Then there’s breakfast. Maybe an afternoon movie where you share some popcorn. Followed by dinner.  Pretty soon, the relationship that was all about fucking is suddenly all about eating!

I have a friend who would always balloon up a relationship. The guy would get sick of living with a sloth, so he’d dump with her, she’d go on the break-up diet (pinkberry, red wine and Xanax), and get thin again. He’d see her out somewhere and assume she had gotten “healthy” then get back together again where the whole cycle started all over again!Is being in a relationship really worth not being able to fit into your carefully curated collection of skinny jeans?

As the great Kate Moss once said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels…” Including the dick of a guy you’re sucking just so you can call him your boyfriend!

You may not believe it but there have been some times when even a slut like me finds herself without a guy to lust, stalk or fuck. That’s when you’ve got to get yourself a practice guy.

What’s a “practice guy”? He’s someone that you only feel “eh” about so you practice with him until you meet the real thing.

For instance, if there’s some crazy sex acts you want to do with your future fuck (whomever he may be) and you haven’t quite nailed the dismount yet, do it with your practice guy. If you’re afraid of unleashing the crazy too soon in a relationship, find yourself a practice guy and gauge where his cray-cray meter stops.

Basically do everything and anything you either want to do or know you’ll eventually do in spite of yourself with this throwaway dude so that you’re really prepared when that dirty hot guy you’ve been dreaming about (and masturbating to) magically appears.

The overly gelled and sprayed look is so not hot anymore.  So how do you get sticky spoodge out of your hair when you’ve just had a quickie in your office/car/back alley and don’t have immediate access to a shower?

1)  Just like you would if you had too much product in your hair, comb that shit out.  Obviously a comb or brush works best but fingers will do in a pinch, like if you just gave the cute mailroom guy a bj before heading into a meeting.  First try to comb through with your fingers, then just mash the hair around on top of your head until it all breaks apart.  It might get a bit beehive-ish  Pretend you’re going for the Jersey pouf.

3) Leave it in and claim your baby just spit up on you.  Course this works best if you HAVE a baby.

2) Just like you did before you rubbed one out, spit on your hand and rub the cum out.  If your hair is long and the jizz is low, suck on the strands to get it out quicker.  Just don’t swallow.  Unless you’re into that sort of thing, although if there’s spunk in your hair I’d guess not.

There are so many fabulous reasons why, when you’re jonesing for some dick (or pussy, in the case of my guy friend), and they won’t give it up that you should just up and fuck someone else.

1. It starts with an O and ends with you jizzing all over the bed (or couch/bathroom floor/back alley.)

This was really going to be the only reason, but some people just don’t fuck for fuck’s sake, so here’s some more:

2.  Just like your target can smell your desperation, they’ll also be able to smell the sex you’re having, and you will therefore become more attractive to them.

3.  If you’re totally creaming for some hot dude so hard that you can’t think of anything else but his dick, jump aboard another guy’s train to try to break the spell.  You may find your obsession is transferred to this new dick, but in some cases, it splits your attention down the middle and you no longer have the pit in your stomach every time your phone rings and it’s not him.

I got one of these snotsuckers for my sick baby over the holidays.  For those who aren’t familiar, if your baby’s got a stuffy nose, you suck the snot out through the tube (they don’t know how to blow it yet, duh!) and a little blue sponge at the bottom collects all the boogers so they don’t go into your mouth.    The first time I sucked up some snot my boyfriend asked me if they make them for adults. 

He said he had a stuffy dick.

is to sell a shitload of these in 2012.

Click HERE to pre-order yours on Amazon.

A guy friend of mine just asked for my help in banging this 24-year-old assistant at his work that’s been giving him blue balls for the last month.

Now obviously, I have all the dirty tricks that will make this dirty trick drop her panties in seconds flat, but do I really want to work for the opposing team? 

She’s clearly not a Depraved Girl, because a Depraved Girl wouldn’t be such a dick tease. So fuck it.

If you happen to be the only blonde party girl from Arizona who won’t put out — let this be a warning to you.  Game on.

 

Any Depraved Girl knows how hard it is to find a good fuck — so why not share the dick when you’re done with him?

Unlike ex-boyfriends and Prada shoes, a man who was nothing more to you than a great fling should be passed around your girlfriends like a case of Herpes at a middle school.

I once encountered a man with a magic dick.  He could basically wave his wand around a couple of times and POOF!  I had an orgasm.  I could have gone on fucking him and his preternatural penis for many more months but my body has an uncanny sense of humor and decided it was time to give me the worst UTI of my life.  My snatch was out of commission.  But I couldn’t let a peen like that go to waste.

I called up my friend M (who hadn’t had sex in so long that the shot-putter in the Special Olympics was starting to make her cream) and told her to put him at the top of her to-do list.  Then I texted him her number and waited until morning to get the dirty deets.  Hey, at least I could fuck vicariously through her if I couldn’t have sex with him myself!

Although a good fuck is meant to be shared with a good friend, sometimes a bad one needs to be shared with a bad friend.  I had the worst sex with this gorgeous but clueless douche who thought putting me in as many positions as possible in the one minute it took for him to blow his load was hot.  I had been just waiting for a way to get revenge on a frenemy who had stolen three of my girls’ boyfriends, so I strategically bragged about my not-so-hottie one night at a bar.  Her interest was immediately piqued.  So I told her he was no longer returning my texts, but she might be more his type and gave her his digits.

I didn’t see her again until the next week.  She complained that all the bedroom gymnastics led to a nasty groin sprain which put her vagina out of commission for a month.  Whoops!