Posted by Heather in The Book
Ladies, have you ever sat around waiting for some dick to show up only to be flaked on? Well, if you ever wondered why, here’s a very scientific (not really) pie chart to tell you why your pie has gone home alone feeling all abandoned and lonely.
From the book The Girls Guide to Depravity, copyright Running Press Book Publishers.
Posted by Heather in advice
It’s time for another round of “Ask the Cuntessa”, and this week’s question comes from a woman who’s inexperienced in the ways of depravity!
“I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 6 months for a toothless pill head, and she looks about 50 years old. But that’s besides the point. His parents want me to stay here and live with them (ex bf is currently in jail for a year) and my ex-husband wants me to come home to him. My problem is, I’m very much in love with my ex boyfriend, even though I will never take him back. And going back to my ex-husband feels like a rebound, and it’s the last thing I want to do when it comes to him. He’s the father of my kids, and I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be with him, but right now is just too soon. My breakup with my ex-boyfriend is still fresh, like a week fresh. And I’m new to this whole ‘Getting Laid Without Getting Screwed’ thing. Please point me in the right direction.”
– Depravity Virgin
Dear DV:
The good news is you’re already in the right direction, you’re asking the expert. The bad news is that you’re looking to get laid in all the wrong places — namely, your two exes, who sound trailer park tragic.
What you should do first is fuck someone else. Doesn’t matter if you like him or if he’s into you or the least bit attractive — think of it as a palette cleanser to get the taste of your last boyfriend’s dick out of your mouth.
Then, once you’ve got that out of the way, find yourself a practice guy. Someone you definitely DON’T like, whom you can practice all sorts of things on, from anything sexual to the rules of depravity. If you don’t give a shit about him, you can’t get screwed.
THEN, buy my book. Start with Rule #1. Come back to me when you’ve successfully completely all 55 rules.
Are you in need of my depraved advice? Of course you are! E-mail me here and I just may answer you on the blog!
Posted by Heather in sex
Posted by Heather in The Book
If you ever wondered why some women seem to have a magic vag, one that can get any guy they want, wonder no more.
From the book The Girls Guide to Depravity, copyright Running Press Book Publishers.
Posted by Heather in The Book
Posted by Heather in sex
Posted by Heather in Rules
One of the biggest issues affecting Depraved Girls today is the lack of fuck-conscious men. Sure, stereotypically, it’s the men who beg and plead the women to bone them, but in my experience (and maybe it has to do with the fact that I’ve just encountered much more whiskey and coke-dick than the average woman), us ladies are just not getting our clam off as much as we’d like.
So if your man is acting all reluctant to wiggle his peen in you vag, fuck him. Dump his ass and go to a comic book store (do those still even exist?) or a Christian retreat and find a guy who will.
Of course if you’re too lazy to leave the house to find some new dick, you could also just fuck him, literally. Doesn’t matter if he’s too busy with his XBOX, dose him with Viagra and climb aboard while he’s playing Call of Duty.
Posted by Heather in sex
Posted by Heather in advice
Now that I’m opening up the blog to viewer questions, I’m getting all sorts of doozies — everything from how to approach girls in bars to how to have anal without pooping (enema, darling.) But one particular question caught my eye.
A depraved reader writes:
I adore your blog and see that you are taking questions. Lucky me! I have a conundrum: I ended a 4 year relationship last year and was looking to start dating again. I ended up sleeping with a friend of a friend for a few months, (the sex is THAT good!) and I accidentally fell for him. The problem is he doesn’t bone me and immediately leave, he loves hanging out and we talk every day and are pretty much dating . . . except for the fact that he refuses to tell our friends. Everyone knows anyway, it’s ridiculous. He says “It just wouldn’t work out.” but we still go on dates and have 3 day long sleepover/sex sessions. What’s going on in this guy’s pea-brain!?!?
– Stuck Good in the Hood
Lemme get this straight — you’re having amazing sex and you’re complaining about it? Boo-fucking-hoo. Great sex is something to be cherished and celebrated, not muddied up with stupid shit like feelings and sleepovers. This is why you should never ever fall for your fuck buddy (one of the cardinal rules of depravity and the subject of an upcoming episode of the Cinemax show.)
Of course, you can’t help how you feel about him any more than he can help being a douchebag. Don’t try to figure him out. Just enjoy it for what it is.
You’re already in what sounds like the most amazing non-relationship relationship ever (that seems to consist of nothing but sex, verbal foreplay and more sex), so I would do your best to keep it going. If you push him to come out of the closet as a couple you can pretty much say goodbye to your marathon fuck sessions. And then not only will you not have a boyfriend, but you won’t have a fuck buddy anymore either.
Chances are he’ll leave you eventually and then you’ll hit a dry spell and will be wishing you kept his dick in your box for as long as you could. So what do you then? Rebound from your rebound, of course!
Are you in need of my depraved advice? Of course you are! E-mail me here and I just may answer you on the blog!
Posted by Heather in GGD on TV
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