Rule #30: If You Really Wanna Know What Your Man Likes In Bed, Ask The Gay Guy He’s Messing Around With

Posted by Heather in Rule #30: If You Really Wanna Know What Your Man Likes In Bed Ask The Gay Guy He's Messing Around With

themanyourmanisfucking

Men are dirty, despicable pigs. And if you’re not giving it to him nice and nasty, there’s a gay guy who is. He’s the man your man is mouth-fucking when you’re not looking.

I have a friend, we’ll call him L., who just loves to prey on pent-up straight dudes who are too afraid to ask their women for exactly what they want in bed. My friend can spot one of these guys a mile away.

He innocently starts out by asking the guy if he has a girlfriend, then slowly steers the conversation towards sex. “What won’t she do for you?” he asks, invariably getting the answer that the guy wants to pull your hair as you’re going down on him or shove his entire nutsac in your mouth, or call you a filthy fucking whore as he’s doing you from behind. That’s when L. leans over to them and says “I’ll give you the best blowjob of your life, and you can do anything you want to me.”

You’d be surprised at how many allegedly “straight” guys go for this! After all, it’s not gay if they’re just getting sucked off, right?

So ladies, if you want your man to be satisfied in bed, I’d suggest you start opening your mind, opening your mouth and be prepared to get a little down and dirty with your guy.

A Little Light Kink

Posted by Heather in heavy, kink, kinky, light

lightkink

My girlfriend S. was on an amazing first date last night. He was hot, he was employed, and the night looked as if it was headed for some first-date-fuckery.

While having after-dinner drinks at the Chateau, he leaned in and whispered “What are you into?” She assumed he meant sex and not tennis or hiking or some hobby shit like that so my somewhat sexually conservative friend answered, “You know, the usual stuff, but I’m open. What are you into?”

“A little light kink,” he said. “Oh really? Like what?”

“Fisting.”

S. didn’t stick around to find out whether he meant he wanted to be the fister or the fistee, but as she told me her heartbroken hungover story I had to wonder, is fisting really considered “light kink?”

I’m all for some spankings, some handcuffs and some nipple clamps if we want to talk about lighter fare, but when an entire fist is up your butt, I’d say that’s about as light as Kelly Clarkson after a breakup.

What’s your definition of light vs. heavy kink? And is a fister a deal-breaker?

Rule #29: The Only Reason You Should Be in Bed in the Middle of the Day is if There’s a Man in It

Posted by Heather in nap, Rule #29: The Only Reason You Should Be in Bed in the Middle of the Day is if There's a Man in It

afternoondelight

I don’t really “get” napping — unless you’re an infant or have passed out from daytime drinking, the only reason you should be in the bed in the middle of the day is if there’s a guy in it.

I got plenty of shit to do during the day — like bleach my asshole, stalk my latest crush or plot revenge against my ex — I don’t have time to take disco nap or a quick snooze.

The last time I went down for a “power nap”, I woke up to see my then-boyfriend jacking it to his ex on iChat.

After I kicked him to the curb (and cleaned the jizz off my keys), I vowed never to be caught napping again. Life’s too fucking short.

Water Sports

Posted by Heather in water sports

Sex in water sounds like an amazing idea — you feel as light as Nicole Richie during the rex days and you can get into all sorts of crazy positions, right?

Wrong.

I was recently asked if water sex would be a more gentle way to lose your v-card:

Q: I read somewhere that if your lose your virginity while swimming it won’t hurt as much. Do you know if there is any truth to that?

Ummmm… no.

Once my boyfriend and I got so hot and heavy at a hotel pool (no one was there, btw) that we had to screw right then and there. We got under the water and pulled our drawers down but no matter what he did and how hard he tried, he couldn’t shove it in. It was like trying to get a fat kid in a wetsuit. It just wasn’t gonna happen.

Why? Because water actually causes friction in your freaky places.

So after about 10 minutes of playing shove and tug, we decided to pop into our room for a quickie.

“You want water sports?” I asked him? He shook his head yes. So I squirted all over him.

Have you done it successfully in water? Share your sexy stories below!

Rule #27: Don’t Act New

Posted by Heather in Rule #27: Don't Act New, slut, virgin

megan-fox-panties

The days of women pretending to be inexperienced virgins to get a guy interested in them are over. This is 2010. Even Hannah Montana is letting her pussy lips flap free in the wind.

And there’s nothing more unattractive than a woman who’s ashamed of her past experience.

Now, I’ve got nothing against actual virgins, just sluts who pretend they’re far more innocent than they are to get a guy.

I’m sure some men are intimidated by an inexperienced woman, but if that’s the case, either move on to someone who can handle your shit or practice the what he know won’t hurt him rule — just keep your number to yourself!

One of my friends in high school used to tell every guy she hooked up with that she was a virgin, so “be gentle.” Well, that may have worked in high school but when she’s out in the clubs, a drink in one hand and a coke straw in the other, that shit just looks stupid and desperate.

Be who you are, whether your number is zero or two zero zero.

As for my number? That’s one secret I’ll never tell.

But feel free to reveal yours in the comments below!

Ask a Depraved Bitch

Posted by Heather in advice, depravity, Facebook, Formspring, Love, sex, Twitter

depravedadvice

I’ve recently started answering your sick and sexy questions via Formspring, Facebook and Twitter.

Here’s a little taste of what kinda depravity I’ve been doling out:

Q: My boyfriend recently was injured, he has to wear a back brace when not in bed and an arm sling most of the time for the next 6 to 8 weeks. The doctors told him not to have sex or masturbate for at least 4 to 5 weeks because cumming might actually break his spine. After I was finished laughing I got reallt depressed. It’s been 1 week, neither of us are doing so well. Suggestions?

A: Just because he’s laid up doesn’t mean you can’t get laid! I assume his tongue isn’t in a sling? So sit down on his face and make him get to work!

Q: so me and my guy have been together for a year and we now live together, so sex used to be a frequent thing, now it only happens when HE wants it to happen. what about me? how can i get our sex life back to a mutual thing. -Christina

A: Christina — one question: how are your bj skillz? In my experience, no guy will refuse a hummer, no matter how tired he is. So get to work, then when it’s good ‘n ready, jump on that peen and do your business!

Q: How can you go from being fuck buddies to dating?

A: Right before he slips his peen between your thighs, just close your eyes and imagine you went to dinner first. Cuz that’s the only way you’ll ever get a fuck buddy to date you.

Have you got a question about sex, love or depravity? Ask me here: http://www.formspring.me/DepravedGirl It’s anonymous!

On the Subject of Length…

Posted by Heather in bangover, length, sex

onthesubjectoflength
 


So there seems to be a common misconception among guys out there.  And it has to do with length.

No, not the length of their schlongs (I’ve already addressed that in “The Myth of Moby Dick”) but the length of the sexy time.

I’m a hit it and quit it type of girl — I like it hard, fast and wet.  But some guys think a girl wants slow romantic sex that lasts for hours!

Once I had sex for about 16 hours straight — of course we did it with the aid of pharmaceuticals — but after an all-night sex sesh, not only did I emerge from the room with the biggest beard burn you’ve ever seen (I looked like I had a chin herpe), but a bangover that lasted for days.

Now, I’m not saying I want a 60 second man, but I like a guy who comes hard and then cums hard in about 10 minutes.

The Cuddle Rapist

Posted by Heather in cuddle, rape, rapist

how-to-avoid-trapped-arm-whilst-cuddling

Once I had this friend over at my apartment to watch a movie.  Now when I say “friend” I mean “guy I wouldn’t fuck unless he was the last man on earth and my vibrator was broken.”

The DVD player in my living room was broken, so we had to watch it in the bedroom.  As soon as the credits finished rolling, he wrapped himself around me like a boa constrictor.

“I’m not going to fuck you,” I said loudly, making sure he wasn’t getting any XXX ideas.  ”Don’t worry, I don’t want to fuck — I just want to cuddle.”

I obviously thought this was just his way of getting me in bed (after all, spooning leads to forking), but he seemed sincere.

“Ok, but the minute you pop wood, I’m kicking you out.”  ”Deal,” he said.

So we lie there for about the entire first half of the movie — and nothing.  No wood.  Not even a little chub.  I started to get pissed.  This had never happened to me before.  Who the hell is he not to get turned on by having his dick pressed against my ass?

So I turned off the movie and fucked him.

Sound Off

Posted by Heather in noise, sexpression, sound

oface



I know some of you depraved bitches like a little dirty talk during sex, but I prefer to hear only my man’s moans in bed.

Course, not ALL sexpressions get you even wetter.  Some of the sounds guys make during sex are downright laugh-out-loud hilarious.

A few years ago, I was dating this Ecaudorian guy and once we finally stripped down to our chonies and hopped in bed, the sex was spicier than that burrito I ate one time in San Francisco that made me shit my pants.

But I digress.

I was on top, grinding away, and I could see his eyes start to roll back inside his head.  I knew he was close but I was totally unprepared for the sound that came out of his mouth.

In a high-pitched voice (like a girl’s), he screamed:

“Aiiiii aiiiiiiiii aaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!”

Typing it doesn’t even do it justice.  Lemme provide some aural aid (go to about the :56 mark):



So needless to say, I burst out laughing right in his face as he was cumming.

“What?” he asked me.

I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I said the first thing I could think of.  ”Sorry, but whenever I’m about to cum, I giggle.”

Soooo, yeah, the next three times we did it that night, he “Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-ed” and I giggled.  After about the fifth time, it was no longer funny.  So I told him I didn’t like to sleep with Latin chicks and I kicked him out.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve heard a guy (or girl) say to you in bed?

Rule #22: When it Comes to Guys, Always Go for Dicks Over Pussies

Posted by Heather in Rule #22: When it Comes to Guys Always Go for Dicks Over Pussies

dicksoverpussies

There are pretty much just two types of guys in the world:

Dicks and Pussies.

Dicks are those dirty hot guys who never call after fucking you, text another girl while they’re out with you, and after you hadn’t heard from them for two whole months, ask to borrow $500 (which you happily oblige, only for the chance to have a deja fuck.)

A Pussy calls you every night at the same time, asks your permission before kissing you and refuses to let you pay for dinner.

But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — ALL men cheat, even the nice, ugly ones.  You’re gonna get fucked over no matter what, so might as well get fucked by the big Dick while you can!

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