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My New Year’s Resolution…
Posted by Heather in Uncategorized
Depraved Dilemma
Posted by Heather in Uncategorized
A guy friend of mine just asked for my help in banging this 24-year-old assistant at his work that’s been giving him blue balls for the last month.
Now obviously, I have all the dirty tricks that will make this dirty trick drop her panties in seconds flat, but do I really want to work for the opposing team?
She’s clearly not a Depraved Girl, because a Depraved Girl wouldn’t be such a dick tease. So fuck it.
If you happen to be the only blonde party girl from Arizona who won’t put out — let this be a warning to you. Game on.
Rule #41: A True Friend Will Share Her Ex-Fling
Posted by Heather in Uncategorized
Any Depraved Girl knows how hard it is to find a good fuck — so why not share the dick when you’re done with him?
Unlike ex-boyfriends and Prada shoes, a man who was nothing more to you than a great fling should be passed around your girlfriends like a case of Herpes at a middle school.
I once encountered a man with a magic dick. He could basically wave his wand around a couple of times and POOF! I had an orgasm. I could have gone on fucking him and his preternatural penis for many more months but my body has an uncanny sense of humor and decided it was time to give me the worst UTI of my life. My snatch was out of commission. But I couldn’t let a peen like that go to waste.
I called up my friend M (who hadn’t had sex in so long that the shot-putter in the Special Olympics was starting to make her cream) and told her to put him at the top of her to-do list. Then I texted him her number and waited until morning to get the dirty deets. Hey, at least I could fuck vicariously through her if I couldn’t have sex with him myself!
Although a good fuck is meant to be shared with a good friend, sometimes a bad one needs to be shared with a bad friend. I had the worst sex with this gorgeous but clueless douche who thought putting me in as many positions as possible in the one minute it took for him to blow his load was hot. I had been just waiting for a way to get revenge on a frenemy who had stolen three of my girls’ boyfriends, so I strategically bragged about my not-so-hottie one night at a bar. Her interest was immediately piqued. So I told her he was no longer returning my texts, but she might be more his type and gave her his digits.
I didn’t see her again until the next week. She complained that all the bedroom gymnastics led to a nasty groin sprain which put her vagina out of commission for a month. Whoops!
My friend B (yes, her) recently pushed a six pound baby out of her cooch — well, she didn’t do much pushing, it kind of just fell out because she’s such a big slut — and that thing didn’t just give her stretch marks, it fucking broke her vagina!
How did she break it, you ask? Since everything got all moved around in there, she can no longer achieve the big O. “My G spot has become an H spot!” she whined to me yesterday. Don’t judge, you would whine too if you couldn’t get off.
I also just had a behbeh slip out of my vag like a watermelon down a Slip n Slide but my shit got moved around in all the right places. Sex is even more incredible than it was before. I guess my G spot is now an F spot. “F” as in “Fuck me again, the baby will stop crying eventually.”
So Cuntinis, if you do get knocked up here’s hoping your bits get knocked around in all the right places.
Rule #40: Never Wear Panties Unless They’re Crotchless
Posted by Heather in crotchless, panties, underwear
You never know where your next fuck is coming from. That’s why you’ve got to be totally prepared for easy access.
I like to free bush it myself, but for those of you who like the comfort of a g-string rubbing up against your anus, Frederick’s of Hollywood makes some great crotchless options.
Or, you could just do what my friend L. used to do. She was kind of EMO and loved wearing black tights with all her skirts and dresses, so she just cut the crotch out of them. Support and function!
Sometimes you get caught with your pants down and no ass lube in sight. Luckily, you only have to look as far as your shower for some emergency lube: hair conditioner.
My friend B was in a similar bind one late night and used this with great success. Course, her butthole smelled like calming vanilla and ylang ylang for days afterward, but at least it had the sheen and vibrancy of a much less damaged ass.
I may spend $200 bucks on denim that makes a guy think of nothing but getting in my back door when he sees how great they make my ass look, but there are only three explanations for a man wearing designer denim:
1. He’s gay.
2. He’s Persian/Russian/Italian/Armenian (insert your ethnic stereotype here).
3. He’s bad in bed.
I once went out with a guy who was wearing the trifecta of over-compensation: True Religion Jeans, Uggs and diamond studs in his ears.
I should have known better but I was horny, he was otherwise hot and my vibe was on the fritz. So I fucked him.
Correction — I sat on top of him for two pumps before he showed me an O-face uglier than the one your dog makes when he’s taking a shit.
And I’m not the only one who’s gotten fucked when she wanted to get screwed by a guy in designer denim. My friend T is particularly adept at attracting guys who sport girl-butt and it never works out for her. Usually all they want from her is a bj (she’s got amazing cock-sucking lips) but when she insists on doing the do, she either gets a guy with a tiny peen, a two-pump chump, or someone who can’t get off without a finger or a fist up his ass.
How to Have Crime Scene Sex Without Making a Scene
Posted by Heather in crime scene sex, lust, sex
Ladies, we’ve all been there — the lust of your life is finally drunk enough to go home with you, but you’re riding the crimson wave. Do you opt to go home and have a threesome with Ben & Jerry or do you suck it up make the best of your bloody situation?
Obviously, I opt for the latter.
Let’s be honest, sometimes sex on your period just feels incredible. And although most guys I meet today either don’t mind it or are totally into it, you don’t want to have to set up a Dexter-style kill room before he sticks it in.
So here’s how to work it with minimal disruption to your sexy time:
- Before you even leave the club, stick in a fresh tampon.
- As soon as you get your prey home, give him another Tequila shot (or two) then quickly go into the bathroom, remove the ‘pon and give your cooch a whore’s bath.
- Bring a towel out out of the loo with you and lay it down on the bed.
- Put the condom on and go to town. Obviously with you on top, gravity won’t be helping your situation much, but chances are, he’s pretty wasted at this point and won’t notice when the red river starts gushing. So do your worst, you on top, him on top, you on your side, him on his side … go to town.
- As soon as he blows his load, reach for the bloody condom and grab the towel. Take them both into the bathroom, clean yourself up a little bit then return with a warm washcloth to wash off his dizzick.
- At this point, he should be passed out, so feel free to use the STD flashlight you keep near your bed to see if you’ve missed any spots and clean them up with the washcloth.
- Insert fresh tampon and pass the fuck out!
Rule #38: Don’t Hate On Your Girl Just Because She’s Hotter Than You
Posted by Heather in Rule #38: Don't Hate On Your Girl Just Because She's Hotter Than You
Some girls like to hang out with a pack of ugly chicks just so they can appear more attractive. But a depraved girl knows how to successfully ride the coattails of a hot friend all the way into a cute guy’s bed.
When you’re on a mission to get laid and your wing woman jumps into your car rocking an adorable mini and new platform stilettos that shows off her tanned and toned legs, your first instinct may be to “accidentally” dump this morning’s Starbucks into her lap so she’ll have to go inside and change, but girls, resist the urge. A hot friend can actually help you instead of hinder you when it comes to attracting hot guys.
When I was desperate, horny and hadn’t been laid in like two months, I convinced my friend M to come out with me to the place where the drinks were cheap and the guys were young and dumb, hoping for a hot one-night-stand. M. is a girl who normally wears minimal makeup and lives in jeans, so I was shocked when she exited her apartment wearing an outfit that even made me cream. Turns out she just finished a work event and hadn’t had time to change. Did I insist she go back inside and put on her hipster uniform of skinnies and Converse? No way. I knew her sexy look would just be another weapon in my arsenal.
We rolled over to Cabo Cantina and as soon as we walked in, every head in the place turned and looked her way. If I wasn’t determined to blow my load that night, I might have been jealous. But as we all know, the cute ones travel in packs, so any solo guy who tried to approach my friend, I’d just casually whisper in his ear, “She’s a he,” and he’d turn right around and go back to the bottled blonde he was talking to before.
Finally I spotted a pair of cute ones and pushed M in their direction. Literally pushed her, so their $2 dollar beers spilled all over them AND her. (Remember, it’s not about how you get his attention, it’s about how you keep it.) Well, her unintentional wet t-shirt contest imitation certainly got their attention! After we insisted on buying a pitcher to make up for the spilled beer, it finally became obvious which one she was more into and which one I would become sloppy seconds. Luckily, if his friend was a 10 on the looks scale (and about a 3 in the intelligence dept.) his friend was about an 8/5, which is not a bad ratio.
I may not have ditched my girl because she was “the hot one” but I certainly ditched her as soon as it was obvious my 8 was DTF. He took me back to his cramped one-bedroom he shared off of Sunset and his seconds got sloppy all over him.
Thanks, M!
Rule #37: Men Actually ARE Good For Something Else
Posted by Heather in Rule #37: Men Actually ARE Good For Something Else
I know it’s hard to believe — but men actually are good for one thing other than sex.
I consider myself a VIB — a Very Independent Bitch. I can work a grill better than your dad. I can hook up an entire wireless entertainment system in my apartment without reading the instructions. I can pretty much do everything on my own except straight up fucking … And a trip to Ikea.
So now that I’m getting it regular, I made my steady fuck make the dreaded trip to the big blue and yellow building to get me some cheap ass shit for my apartment.
As my guy was loading all those boxes into the back of his SUV, I noticed some poor solo bitch struggling to pack her Birkeland dresser and Hemnes mirror into her beat-up Toyota Camry.
But did I try to help her? Fuck no.
“B, come help this girl,” I screamed, barely looking up from my textual conversation. So after he finishes shoving my stuff into his car, B. proceeded to help the girl load her car in. Then I made him help every other solo bitch in the place until all that was left were a bunch of families with kids who were screaming in another language.
So ladies, if the dick you’re currently attached to isn’t a complete tool, don’t be selfish — spread the wealth. Have him go over to your bff’s house to set up her new blu-ray player. Make him re-paint your gay’s foyer for the millionth time.
I’m not a complete douchebaguette. When he does these kinds of favors for my friends I always tip. And by “tip” I mean I let him play “just the tip” with his peen in my backdoor.
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