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Rule #64: Suck Harder

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, blowjobs, sex

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They say blowjobs are like pizza, even if they’re bad, they’re still good. But “they” have never gagged on an errant hair and ended up puking all over their partner.  Besides, why settle for giving a “good” blowjob when you can give a fucking fantastic one?

I usually hate giving BJ tips because it’s all subjective. What makes one guy shoot off like a rocket may leave another guy with failure to launch. However, there are a few things that will make any guy fall to his knees … in order to return the favor with some head for you! Because isn’t that really what it’s all about?

1) Fucking ENTHUSIASM! Go to town like a diabetic with a lolly and no matter how much teeth you accidentally use, you’ll still be a champ. There’s no bigger turn off than a girl who’s choking on a dick every five seconds. Except for a girl who refuses to choke on a dick at all.

2) Not every guy likes a finger up the ass, but they all like a little pressure above their treasure trail. Press down with an open palm just above the dick, make eye contact (if their eyes are even still open then) and slurp away.

3) Take your time! I know, ugh, it’s already hard work, why would you want to make it last ten minutes when you could make him cum in ten seconds? But most guys like to savor a bj, cuz they never know when they’ll get one again.

Happy blowing!

This Is Not The Magic Number

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in blowjobs, sex

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I’d like to think that I’m pretty good at sucking a cock, but my oral sex skills are put into serious jeopardy if I’m distracted by a man simultaneously licking my clit. How on earth am I supposed to focus on what’s in front of me and what’s going on behind me at the same time?! And I don’t even have ADD!

On top of that, I don’t like any angle in the bedroom that puts my asshole in someone’s nose, even if I’m fresh from the shower. Maybe if I know them pretty well, but still.  I almost always miss a spot shaving back there, and I’ve never farted in someone’s face, but as we all know, there’s a first time for everything.

Does anyone out there actually enjoy 69ing? I mean, I don’t mind blowing a guy from this position, but when it comes to me, I want to sit back and enjoy my oral sex like I’m watching an episode of Revenge.

Magic Berry = Magic Spoodge Sweetener

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in blowjobs

(I was cleaning out my pantry and found my Magic Berry tablets.  Since I had so much fun conducting experiments with them then — and now –  I decided to re-post this from the old blog in the name of science … and sluttiness.)

Where have I been that I never heard about such an amazing fruit called a “Magic Berry” that turn anything sour into sweet? So when a friend first told me about magic berries, obviously, my first thought was how could I use this for evil instead of good? My second thought was: Dick.

You’re supposed to take a bite (or in this case, pop a pill because I’m all about the dolls) and suck on a lemon, just to see how sweet it turns the tart fruit, but of course I want to pop one and suck on a dick.

It’s not as if my boyfriend’s got the funkiest tasting spunk, but no matter how many pineapples he eats, he just isn’t gonna jizz honey.

Well, at least not until now. The other night I dissolved one of these babies on the tip of my tongue, letting it tingle my buds before I got on my knees and got to work.

Now, lemme explain that he had in fact eaten a half a pineapple before we began our little experiment, because it apparently only supresses your savory and bitter taste buds, leaving your sweet buds to work in overtime. It doesn’t work if there isn’t even a tiny bit of sugar.

So I sucked away and the minute he blew his load, I rolled it around in my mouth as if it were a fine wine. And Oh. My. God. if it didn’t taste the slightest bit sweet. Not like I was eating creme brulee or anything, but certainly not as sour and salty as usual.

Now, I’m a slut with sugar issues (aka I can’t have it) so any hint of sweet gets me off. Therefore, I predict a lot of bjs in my bf’s future thanks to the magic fruit.

But it wasn’t allllllll about the dong, I also licked a lemon which turned into sugary lemonade, bit into an orange that tasted like orange sherbet, but what was by far my favorite transformation of the evening was the cucumber (are you surprised?). It had such a delicate sweetness I could have munched on it all night!

Well, that and my boyfriend’s schlong!

Too Depraved For France?

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in banned, blowjobs, controversy, France, Jean Dujardin, Les Infideles, posters


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These posters of Oscar-nominate actor Jean Dujardin’s latest movie Les Infideles are apparently causing a stir in France. Seriously, France? The country that invented sadomasochism and the whore’s bath? No wonder I fucking love them.

The Job

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in blowjobs, sex

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I love my job. And by “job”, of course I mean “blowjob”.

And apparently, I’m very good at it. How do I know? Because I’ve washed more spoodge out of my hair than Tom Cruise.

So one thing I can’t stand is when I’m doing my thing and a guy puts his hands on my head to guide me. I don’t need a tour guide to direct me to where your dick is, it’s currently in my mouth.

So just sit back and relax and let me do my job.