Rule #55: Send Him a YouPorn Clip of a Position You Like

Posted by Elisabeth in RULE

I only watch porn about 8-10 times a year, and while it’s not really my thing, it’s a great way to educate yourself about new positions and techniques…and just how much you should be bleaching your asshole. Every great once in a while I watch it because it turns me on, but like most girls, it’s not a ritual for me.

However, most normal adult males have seen more than their fair share of adult films (i.e., they watch it daily or at the very least weekly), so not only are they going to get hard from the thought of you checking out XXX clips online, but if you send them a link to something you think you might enjoy, you’re basically programming them to do exactly what you want as soon as you walk in the door later that night.

It’s easy to tell your partner how you want to be licked or fucked, but when it comes to sex, it’s often more helpful to see something before you try it out. And if you sit down together and watch a video of two attractive naked people going at it, odds are you’re not going to be turned off by it either, so that’s always a plus. If nothing else, it’s a good way to spice things up in the bedroom.

Note: If you’re too repulsed by the thought of stumbling across a girl with jizz up her nose and a fist in her ass, look for “romantic porn” on any of the major free sites (RedTube, YouPorn, PornHub etc.), and you’ll be able to avoid most of the gross stuff. Oh, and when you’re done, be sure to clear your search history!

The Butt Sex Ratio

Posted by Elisabeth in ass, butt sex

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I’d like to preface this by saying I’ve never done it in the ass. EVER. The man who marries me might get that, but only if I’m totally wasted on our wedding night and his penis isn’t too big. I know some people like it, but having things shoved up the hole where my poop comes from isn’t my cup of tea. (But don’t go calling me a prude when it comes to butt play…I absolutely love having my ass eaten.)

Anyway, as far as anal sex goes, we do know this: Most people who do it aren’t doing it with every person they sleep with. I think there is a certain ratio that you can use to calculate how many people someone has been with based on how many people they’ve had butt sex with. I mean, this is assuming you haven’t asked them the loaded question of how many people they’ve slept with, or you have and you’re questioning the answer they’ve given you.

I know a really gross and slutty guy who once admitted to me in a very drunken state that he had banged well over a hundred girls. I think we all know this means well over 150 girls, because really, how does he know what an exact number is after 100?  Anyway, he previously claimed that he had “only” slept with a total of 35 girls, but when he told me he had had butt sex with 12-15 girls, I knew he was lying. And I polled a few other friends, and I have a gal pal who has been with about 55 fellas and she’s done it in the ass with 7.

Sure, there will be anomalies, but in general I’m beginning to see that there’s about a 1:7 to 1:10 ratio for partners when it comes to regular sex versus butt sex. Again, this is just a hypothesis, but maybe it could become an actual theory…

Word of the Day: Dickdrunk

Posted by Elisabeth in fuck, lust, sex

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Dickdrunk (adjective): Being affected by a man’s dick to the extent of losing control of one’s faculties or behavior.

Example: I was so dickdrunk I drove to his house and banged on his door begging for sex until the cops came.

Rule #54: DON’T Fuck His Friends

Posted by Rachel Hangover in Rules, sex

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I was having a girls night with one of my favorite bad bitches recently and she was regaling me with stories of an ex-lover (and current douchebag) who just so happens to be a professional baseball player. Later in the night she made comments about two other baseball players. I picked up on it and said, “Wow. You fuck a lot of baseball players.”

She responded with: “Well, obviously I revenge fucked two of his teammates.” I died. Now, while this is hilarious, it is NOT practical. Fucking his friends is ALWAYS a bad idea. And why? Because it doesn’t get you anything, except fucked. If getting fucked is your one and only goal, then go for it! But know that you’re losing something while gaining that possible orgasm: respect.

You see, if a man has done you wrong, that means he didn’t respect you enough to treat you correctly. He is definitely not going to start respecting you if you start banging his friends. You are only succeeding in making yourself look cheap and petty. His friends that are fucking you most certainly don’t respect you either. You are easy. You are damaged. Bros before hos, especially those who come back for sloppy seconds and thirds.

So, if you need to get your rocks off after a break up, I say pick a random or go to a trusted fuck buddy. Stay away from his friends and keep your dignity intact. Because even if you didn’t get ‘revenge’, you can still hold your head up high knowing you were the bigger person. And always remember how to be a boss bitch: Keep it sexy, keep it safe, and keep it classy. The best revenge is looking good and scoring someone better anyway.

“Rachel Hangover” is a writer/actress/drinker/leo. She loves making pictures, telling stories and singing whenever she thinks she is alone. Sometimes she gets drunk and says mean things, but she’s working on it, okay? Sheesh. You can follow her on Twitter, friend her on Facebook or stalk her on IMDB.

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Toys Aren’t Just For Kids!

Posted by Elisabeth in advice, fuck, orgasms

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So don’t be afraid to bust one out during sex!

The first few times I’m intimate with someone this doesn’t even cross my mind because I’m enjoying the experience and getting used to the feeling of it all. However, after I spend more time with a guy, I feel more comfortable letting myself go. And we all know how tricky it is to get me off, so usually this doesn’t happen unless there’s a fully-charged vibrator thrown into the mix.

The first time I ever attempted this, it was the guy’s idea, and I was so nervous I couldn’t even come. I felt like I was on the spot and I had actually never gotten off with/in front of a guy before, so I froze. I was 24. The next time this happened was with Heartbreaker, and we had been together for a few months, so it was a lot less nerve wracking. After a while, it ended up becoming a pretty regular part of our bedroom routine, especially when the infamous Liberator was involved. Tall, Dark and Handsome suggested it a few times when we were hooking up, but I wasn’t ready to scream in front of him just yet. That and I seem to have misplaced the charger for my Lelo, and only one of the prongs on my Jopen vibe works, so it seemed like too much of a hassle to explain. But I was getting close to that point with him, so if we had continued seeing each other for a few more weeks, he would have finally gotten to see my O face.

And that’s the thing: If you’re not completely comfortable with someone, don’t do it. It’s normal to be nervous until you reach a certain level of intimacy and the goal is to feel good, not embarrassed. But once you are ready, don’t think for one second that any man will find it emasculating if you use your toy in front of them. And if they do, dump them immediately.

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, dating and awkward moments in the bedroom.

Why The 3 Date Rule is Bullshit

Posted by Heather in advice, sex

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The usual dating conventions tell us girls that we should wait at least three dates before having sex with some guy. But here’s why that’s bullshit:

  1. He could die before the third date.
  2. You could die before the third date.
  3. He could just as easily not call you back after third date sex as he could after first date sex — at least you won’t waste your time on two more dates.
  4. If you wanna fuck him, you should fuck him.
  5. It’s 2014.  Stop following the rules your grandma made up.

Word of the Day: Breakover

Posted by Heather in Word of the Day

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Breakover (noun): The makeover you give yourself after a breakup that acts as a confidence booster as well as a “fuck you” to your ex.  See also: the breakup diet.

1. After Dan dumped her for a stripper at Cheetah’s, Melissa lost ten pounds due to stress and gave herself a breakover — she hasn’t looked this good in years.

This Is Not The Magic Number

Posted by Elisabeth in blowjobs, sex

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I’d like to think that I’m pretty good at sucking a cock, but my oral sex skills are put into serious jeopardy if I’m distracted by a man simultaneously licking my clit. How on earth am I supposed to focus on what’s in front of me and what’s going on behind me at the same time?! And I don’t even have ADD!

On top of that, I don’t like any angle in the bedroom that puts my asshole in someone’s nose, even if I’m fresh from the shower. Maybe if I know them pretty well, but still.  I almost always miss a spot shaving back there, and I’ve never farted in someone’s face, but as we all know, there’s a first time for everything.

Does anyone out there actually enjoy 69ing? I mean, I don’t mind blowing a guy from this position, but when it comes to me, I want to sit back and enjoy my oral sex like I’m watching an episode of Revenge.

Rule #53: Eat My Ass

Posted by Elisabeth in ass, butt, orgasms, sex

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While this is a phrase I’ve caught myself using during frequent fits of road rage, most of the time I really just want to yell this at whatever guy has his face buried in my snatch.

Oral sex is nice and all, but if you want me to scream and writhe around in bed like I’m being exorcised, eating my ass is most definitely the way to go about doing it. I don’t want anything IN my butthole, but for some reason having a guy’s tongue ON it takes me to the next level when it comes to orgasms. And this plus a vibrator on my clit? Ha! That makes me cum so hard I actually laugh uncontrollably afterwards, which is how I know it’s really a good one.

As far as ass eating goes, there are definitely some rules. I will only let a guy do this if I’ve shaved and showered within the last two hours, and if I even so much as fart, it’s off. The funny thing is, I’ve actually never demanded that guy to do this to me. Usually they just offer or if they ask what I like and I’ll bashfully tell them, but act like I am embarrassed about it because I’m super loud. Of course, they want to hear me scream, so they can’t resist…

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Don’t Tell Me To Touch Myself

Posted by Elisabeth in advice, fuck, How-To, orgasms, sex

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Please don’t tell me to touch myself when we’re getting it on.

I don’t need to be the boss, but I’m not big on men making demands of me in the bedroom. I’d like to think that we’re equals, and if you have a specific request, there are reasonable ways to ask.

When we’re naked in bed and you’re kissing my neck and we’re about to take it to the next level, the quickest way to kill the mood is to whisper in my ear, “I want you to play with your pussy.” First of all, the word pussy is just…ugh. Don’t! Second, ordering me to masturbate on command makes me cringe. It’s pretty difficult to get me off unless you’ve been going down on me for a few minutes (or unless there’s a toy involved), but if you’re watching me rub myself and I feel like I have to put on a show, it’s the least pleasurable thing ever. It’s not going make me orgasm, and I’m a terrible actress, so all it’s going to do is make me look and feel stupid.

If I want to play with myself during sex, you’ll know…or you can just take charge and grab my vibrator out of my top drawer. That’s the guaranteed way to make me scream…and you don’t even have to ask!

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, love and dating douchebags.