“Should I Still be F*cking My Ex?”

Posted by Heather in Ask a Depraved Bitch

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ex-sex

In this edition of “Ask a Depraved Bitch,” a reader wants to know if it’s cool to deja-fuck your ex.

So, here’s the problem: I’ve been fucking my ex, the very same asshole that broke my heart and dumped me two days before Christmas (after three years of going back and forth.)

Skipping the “he loves me, he loves me not” bullshit, basically I’m still fucking him.  I still have the keys to his house, I still spend weekends with my daughter at his place…I’ll even go and do his dishes or laundry while hes at work… what the fuck is wrong with me?! He is a douchebag! He’s selfish insensitive and cruel…but the sex is amazing and hes got this way of making me feel needed…

So my friend is soo fed up with my shit and set me up with a long time friend of hers who is a really nice, sweet gentleman… buuut I still want to fuck my ex.

My question(s) are: Do I have to tell either or both if them what’s going on? And should I still even be fucking my ex? Is this a sign he still wants to be with me or am I just his fuck-buddy?

Sincerely, a Desperate and Depressingly Depraved Dip-Shit.

Dear DDDD:

While ex-sex is always complicated (my last deja-fuck turned into a deja-relationship that ended up as a deja-breakup), you absolutely do not have to tell this new guy about the other dicks you’ve been fucking.  Nor do you have to disclose anything about Mr. Nice Guy (who, frankly, sounds like a pussy) to your fuck buddy.

You’re not explicitly exclusive to either of them, so get your freak on while you can.  Just make sure you keep your distance with your ex — no sleepovers, no weekend hangs with your daughter and no doing his dishes … Unless you’re doing them naked in 4-inch stilettoes while he watches with a hard-on.

xox

 

Word of the Day: Snatchchat

Posted by Heather in Word of the Day

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Snatchchat 1. (noun) A naked pic sent through Snapchat.  2. (verb): The act of sending a naked pic through Snapchat.

Example: “This hot guy I was texting hadn’t responded to me in a few days so I sent him a snatchchat and he replied immediately.”

Ten Ways to Tell if You Are a Basic Bitch

Posted by Rachel Hangover in bitch

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basic bitch

1.  You idolize Sex and the City, Girls, Cosmo, anything that has to do with the Kardashians,and other vapid forms of entertainment.  READ A GODDAMNED BOOK

2.  You obsess over a guy you barely know/rarely speak to/fucked only once.  Or really, any guy, ever.  HAVE YOUR OWN SHIT GOING ON

3.  You worship money and status and spend money you don’t have to appear like have either, which your basic ass certainly does not.  #OPPAGANGNAMSTYLE

4.  You can have entire conversations about beauty/hair products.  Especially nail polish.  You have no idea what is happening in Syria, Ukraine, or your own government. EDUCATE YOURSELF

5.  You brag about things that are common as fuck like ‘going to coachella’ wearing ‘no make up’ and ‘getting wasted’  GET A JOB AND ACCOMPLISH SHIT

6.  You don’t even know if you have an STD or STI because your ratchet ass doesn’t get tested on the reg.  YOU NASTY, HO  GET THEE TO AN OBGYN

7.  You have a Pinterest account.  You pin things.  GET AN ACTUAL LIFE

8.  Your Instagram consists of nothing but selfies, pet pics, and inspirational quotes.  NO ONE CARES

9.  You constantly refer to other females, especially those you are threatened by, as ‘cunts’, ‘sluts’, and ‘basic bitches’.  GET OVER YOURSELF

10.  You have any of the symptoms discussed in this video.  GOD HELP YOU

“Rachel Hangover” is a writer/actress/drinker/leo. She loves making pictures, telling stories and singing whenever she thinks she is alone. Sometimes she gets drunk and says mean things, but she’s working on it, okay? Sheesh. You can follow her on Twitter, friend her on Facebook or stalk her on IMDB.

Rule #55: Send Him a YouPorn Clip of a Position You Like

Posted by Elisabeth in RULE

I only watch porn about 8-10 times a year, and while it’s not really my thing, it’s a great way to educate yourself about new positions and techniques…and just how much you should be bleaching your asshole. Every great once in a while I watch it because it turns me on, but like most girls, it’s not a ritual for me.

However, most normal adult males have seen more than their fair share of adult films (i.e., they watch it daily or at the very least weekly), so not only are they going to get hard from the thought of you checking out XXX clips online, but if you send them a link to something you think you might enjoy, you’re basically programming them to do exactly what you want as soon as you walk in the door later that night.

It’s easy to tell your partner how you want to be licked or fucked, but when it comes to sex, it’s often more helpful to see something before you try it out. And if you sit down together and watch a video of two attractive naked people going at it, odds are you’re not going to be turned off by it either, so that’s always a plus. If nothing else, it’s a good way to spice things up in the bedroom.

Note: If you’re too repulsed by the thought of stumbling across a girl with jizz up her nose and a fist in her ass, look for “romantic porn” on any of the major free sites (RedTube, YouPorn, PornHub etc.), and you’ll be able to avoid most of the gross stuff. Oh, and when you’re done, be sure to clear your search history!

The Butt Sex Ratio

Posted by Elisabeth in ass, butt sex

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eat-my-ass

I’d like to preface this by saying I’ve never done it in the ass. EVER. The man who marries me might get that, but only if I’m totally wasted on our wedding night and his penis isn’t too big. I know some people like it, but having things shoved up the hole where my poop comes from isn’t my cup of tea. (But don’t go calling me a prude when it comes to butt play…I absolutely love having my ass eaten.)

Anyway, as far as anal sex goes, we do know this: Most people who do it aren’t doing it with every person they sleep with. I think there is a certain ratio that you can use to calculate how many people someone has been with based on how many people they’ve had butt sex with. I mean, this is assuming you haven’t asked them the loaded question of how many people they’ve slept with, or you have and you’re questioning the answer they’ve given you.

I know a really gross and slutty guy who once admitted to me in a very drunken state that he had banged well over a hundred girls. I think we all know this means well over 150 girls, because really, how does he know what an exact number is after 100?  Anyway, he previously claimed that he had “only” slept with a total of 35 girls, but when he told me he had had butt sex with 12-15 girls, I knew he was lying. And I polled a few other friends, and I have a gal pal who has been with about 55 fellas and she’s done it in the ass with 7.

Sure, there will be anomalies, but in general I’m beginning to see that there’s about a 1:7 to 1:10 ratio for partners when it comes to regular sex versus butt sex. Again, this is just a hypothesis, but maybe it could become an actual theory…

Word of the Day: Dickdrunk

Posted by Elisabeth in fuck, lust, sex

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Dickdrunk (adjective): Being affected by a man’s dick to the extent of losing control of one’s faculties or behavior.

Example: I was so dickdrunk I drove to his house and banged on his door begging for sex until the cops came.

Rule #54: DON’T Fuck His Friends

Posted by Rachel Hangover in Rules, sex

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dontfuckhisfriends

I was having a girls night with one of my favorite bad bitches recently and she was regaling me with stories of an ex-lover (and current douchebag) who just so happens to be a professional baseball player. Later in the night she made comments about two other baseball players. I picked up on it and said, “Wow. You fuck a lot of baseball players.”

She responded with: “Well, obviously I revenge fucked two of his teammates.” I died. Now, while this is hilarious, it is NOT practical. Fucking his friends is ALWAYS a bad idea. And why? Because it doesn’t get you anything, except fucked. If getting fucked is your one and only goal, then go for it! But know that you’re losing something while gaining that possible orgasm: respect.

You see, if a man has done you wrong, that means he didn’t respect you enough to treat you correctly. He is definitely not going to start respecting you if you start banging his friends. You are only succeeding in making yourself look cheap and petty. His friends that are fucking you most certainly don’t respect you either. You are easy. You are damaged. Bros before hos, especially those who come back for sloppy seconds and thirds.

So, if you need to get your rocks off after a break up, I say pick a random or go to a trusted fuck buddy. Stay away from his friends and keep your dignity intact. Because even if you didn’t get ‘revenge’, you can still hold your head up high knowing you were the bigger person. And always remember how to be a boss bitch: Keep it sexy, keep it safe, and keep it classy. The best revenge is looking good and scoring someone better anyway.

“Rachel Hangover” is a writer/actress/drinker/leo. She loves making pictures, telling stories and singing whenever she thinks she is alone. Sometimes she gets drunk and says mean things, but she’s working on it, okay? Sheesh. You can follow her on Twitter, friend her on Facebook or stalk her on IMDB.

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Toys Aren’t Just For Kids!

Posted by Elisabeth in advice, fuck, orgasms

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So don’t be afraid to bust one out during sex!

The first few times I’m intimate with someone this doesn’t even cross my mind because I’m enjoying the experience and getting used to the feeling of it all. However, after I spend more time with a guy, I feel more comfortable letting myself go. And we all know how tricky it is to get me off, so usually this doesn’t happen unless there’s a fully-charged vibrator thrown into the mix.

The first time I ever attempted this, it was the guy’s idea, and I was so nervous I couldn’t even come. I felt like I was on the spot and I had actually never gotten off with/in front of a guy before, so I froze. I was 24. The next time this happened was with Heartbreaker, and we had been together for a few months, so it was a lot less nerve wracking. After a while, it ended up becoming a pretty regular part of our bedroom routine, especially when the infamous Liberator was involved. Tall, Dark and Handsome suggested it a few times when we were hooking up, but I wasn’t ready to scream in front of him just yet. That and I seem to have misplaced the charger for my Lelo, and only one of the prongs on my Jopen vibe works, so it seemed like too much of a hassle to explain. But I was getting close to that point with him, so if we had continued seeing each other for a few more weeks, he would have finally gotten to see my O face.

And that’s the thing: If you’re not completely comfortable with someone, don’t do it. It’s normal to be nervous until you reach a certain level of intimacy and the goal is to feel good, not embarrassed. But once you are ready, don’t think for one second that any man will find it emasculating if you use your toy in front of them. And if they do, dump them immediately.

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, dating and awkward moments in the bedroom.

Why The 3 Date Rule is Bullshit

Posted by Heather in advice, sex

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The usual dating conventions tell us girls that we should wait at least three dates before having sex with some guy. But here’s why that’s bullshit:

  1. He could die before the third date.
  2. You could die before the third date.
  3. He could just as easily not call you back after third date sex as he could after first date sex — at least you won’t waste your time on two more dates.
  4. If you wanna fuck him, you should fuck him.
  5. It’s 2014.  Stop following the rules your grandma made up.

Word of the Day: Breakover

Posted by Heather in Word of the Day

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Breakover (noun): The makeover you give yourself after a breakup that acts as a confidence booster as well as a “fuck you” to your ex.  See also: the breakup diet.

1. After Dan dumped her for a stripper at Cheetah’s, Melissa lost ten pounds due to stress and gave herself a breakover — she hasn’t looked this good in years.