Fuck Your Rockstar

Posted by Rachel Hangover in sex

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So, my rockstar was in town for a spell. Holy Mother Fuck, it has been so fucking lovely; it’s been so lovely fucking. I encountered this particular rockstar for the first time over three years ago. He sang me a song looking deep into my eyes. I fell desperately in lust. Later, smoking a cigarette together, I was drunk enough to tell him: “Your voice is so beautiful; I get emotional every time I hear you sing.” He replied: “Aww, well aren’t you just a little sweetheart. Do you wanna come back to my place and get in my hot tub with me?” Obviously my response was an enthusiastic YES.

So that pretty much ended my relationship with the guy I had been living with for two years. And that was hard and it really sucked. But it is a decision I do not regret. However, a few weeks later, my rockstar promptly moved the fuck to New York City. Now it is three years later, and my rockstar texted me to tell me he’s back in town for a bit, and I should come over. I was offended; how dare he think he can just hit me up three years later and I would just come running. I told him I was busy fucking someone else. At first he told me to have fun, but then continued to beg me to come over anyway. So the next night, I went running over to his place. FUCK YES.

The thing is, he’s THAT GUY. It’s not just the great sex. It’s that he feeds me whiskey, cigarettes, and cocaine. He sings me songs. His voice sounds like the angels fell from heaven and are having a drunken orgy on your eardrums. His band is the tits. He introduces me to the coolest of the cool. His house is ridiculous. We go running naked back and forth from his hot tub to his enormous pool. We make love in the moonlight. And then we fuck all night in his big fluffy white bed. He eats pussy like it’s his calling. Oh, and he has a goddamned PUPPY for chrissake.

And I know I’m not the only chick he’s fucking. I don’t care. He’s hooked up with two of my friends, that I know about. I don’t care. He has dozens of model chicks and actress bitches at his disposal. I don’t care. He texts me at four in the morning. I don’t care. If I text him, he rarely texts back. I don’t care. He still has a pair of my earrings that I will never ever see again. I don’t care. All of my friends think he is a total dick. I don’t care. And in fact, his dickishness is exactly what I love about him. He doesn’t give a fuck about me other than to fuck me, and it’s amazing. He will choke me, spank me, pull my hair, and I fucking love it. He will also be sweet and romantic and tell me all sorts of things he won’t remember in the morning and I don’t fucking care.

Lots of girls get bent out of shape over dudes like this. Who don’t ‘respect’ them, who ‘treat them bad’, but keep sending them late night texts. And to this I say: Fuck It.
Who cares? Chances are he is not disrespecting you or trying to treat you poorly. He’s just not thinking about you at all, unless he wants you to come over right that instant. And I say, go over right that instant. When it’s good, it’s good, and when it’s great, it’s great. And don’t fucking worry about it. Get it while the getting is good and you will always have the memories of all those times you fucked that fucking rockstar and how much fucking fun you had.

He’s back in New York now. I might never see him again. Or maybe, in a few weeks, or a few months, or a few years, I might get a text thats says: hey its me come over. And I will fucking go. Because I love fucking him and I always will and I don’t give one single fuck about anything else. So go do it. Fuck your fucking rockstar. It’s worth it; I promise.

Just don’t leave anything at his house.

Three’s Company Too: The Three Keys to a Good Threesome

Posted by Rachel Hangover in threesome

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APPARENTLY, we need to talk about threesome etiquette. I’m an experienced unicorn* and just a very horny and experimental girl in general. Thus, I’ve had my fair share of threesomes. Some have been utterly fantastic and some, well, not so much. My most recent encounter fell into the latter category. This is because the girl I so kindly invited to share one of my favorite part time lovers and full time friends with (he’s a drummer – yum!) was experiencing her very first threesome. Thus, she was not aware of some of the unwritten rules. So I’m writing the unwritten rules. And here they are:

THE THREE KEYS TO A GOOD THREESOME

First and foremost:
DON’T BE A COCK HOG
No one likes a cock hog. The whole point of a threesome is that there are THREE people, and all three people need to be equally involved. All three people should be equally committed to getting their partners off. A cock hog deprives one person of involvement and NO ONE should feel left out during a threesome, or you’re doing it wrong.

Conversely, don’t ignore the cock either. I know some dudes who, post hookup, felt that the threesome was only offered so that the ladies could explore their lesbianism. And while they may have been making dreams come true by just letting the dude watch, leaving him with a raging boner or worse, blue balls, is some cold shit.

When dealing with a cock hog, don’t yell: “Get off, it’s my turn!”, like I did. Instead, go sit on his face and politely mention to your lady friend that you’re getting bored and maybe its time to switch.

And of course:
DON’T BE A PILLOW PRINCESS
If you are receiving oral, you need to be doing something else. Don’t just lie there, basking in the glory. You have two hands and a mouth. You need to be using one of these body parts to get someone else off. No oral feels SO good that you can’t keep busy. RECIPROCITY IS KEY. Don’t be selfish.

When dealing with a pillow princess, go sit on her face. That will teach her.

And finally:
BE GRACIOUS TO THE HOST
Whomever arranged the threesome, or more importantly, whomever’s bed it is, gets to be the one to call lights out. DO NOT, under any circumstances, continue to hook up when someone is trying to go to sleep. Even if you are being really quiet, it is just RUDE. And being rude to someone who arranged a threesome deserves a special place in hell. If you’re not done with sexy time, take it somewhere else, ya heathens.

And there they are. The most important keys to a quality three. There are more, but in general: keep it sexy, keep it safe, keep it classy, and keep it kind. Now get out there and get your freak on!

*If you don’t know, now you know: A UNICORN is a bi girl who is down to get down with an established couple without interfering in their relationship. Thus named because most people don’t believe they exist, but they DO! And when you encounter one it is a rare and beautiful thing and a truly magical experience.

Rule #62: What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Thinner

Posted by Heather in RULE

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One Large non-fat latte: 120 calories
One Small Pinkberry Plain: 140 calories
Four Xantinis: 500 calories

That’s what I ate every single day for a month after my last breakup. It wasn’t intentional, but I was on the best weight-loss plan ever. I was on the breakup diet.

Some girls might go the other way and gorge themselves on Ben & Jerry’s and Sex and the City reruns, but getting dumped would always give me that horrible pit in my stomach (which my friends and I simply referred to as “the pit”) that filled me up in a way that a large pepperoni pizza never did.

And it wasn’t just the lack of eating that was making me runway-ready. After my ex crushed my heart like he used to crush up his Ritalin, I started taking the stairs to work — not to get in a mini-workout, but just to avoid human contact for as long as possible. Misery may love company but depression just wants to be alone.

I would also unintentionally skip meals at night – when you take a sleeping pill at 8pm so you can conk out and dodge dealing with your feelings, you tend not to eat dinner.

I even started to crave the pangs of hunger that would lap up at me in the middle of my 300 calorie day. I’d rather feel anything other than a broken heart and you can control hunger – you can’t control your cheating boyfriend leaving you for a stripper who works at Cheetah’s.

It got so bad that one time a friend literally tried to force-feed me a Happy Meal. “You are what you eat,” she said as she shoved a fry into my mouth. I simply smiled, swallowed, then went into the bathroom and purged.

But my experience was nothing compared to my good friend M’s. I call her a yo-yo breakup dieter because whenever she was in a relationship, she would get comfortable. Really comfortable, as in elastic waistband comfortable. And imagine exactly how comfortable she got when she met the man of her dreams.

Her boyfriend would take her binge eating as a sign of depression, conclude that he was making her unhappy and unhealthy and breakup with her.

She’d then go on a diet of nothing but cigarettes and red wine and one apple a day and the pounds would just fall off. Within a week, she was not only fitting in to her skinny jeans, they were almost falling off of her.

Then she would invariably run into her ex at some mutual friend’s party, the neighborhood supermarket or the gym. He’d be so impressed with her weight-loss, take it as a sign that she was now happy and healthy (which was the opposite of the truth, but she wasn’t about to correct him), and they’d start dating again.

This went on about three or four different times until they decided they had to end the cycle once and for all. Naturally, they decided to get married.

My friend promptly ballooned up like Kylie’ Jenner’s lower lip. It took all of one year and 70 pounds for them to get a divorce.

She was devastated. I told her not to despair, that she’d find someone else, but she wasn’t ready to think about another guy so soon. Plus, she wanted to reap the one benefit that came with the dissolution of her marriage. “Divorce is the biggest breakup there is,” she told me over a bottle of red wine and a pack of cigarettes one night, “I’m going to be skinnier than Kate Moss!”

So are we destined to be skinny and alone or fat and in a relationship? Not necessarily. I met my current bf about three months and negative ten pounds into my last non-eating plan. I’m now happily ten pounds overweight. He says he loves my curves. But last night, when he caught me downing an entire half-gallon of Carmela’s dark chocolate sorbet, he looked at my fat cupcaking over the side of my pants and said, “Honey, tomorrow we have to talk.” I get the sinking feeling that I may be ready for bikini season a lot sooner than I thought.

Rule #61: Know the Difference Between LITTLE BOYS vs REAL MEN

Posted by Rachel Hangover in Boys, cougars, men

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A while back I wrote an article titled ‘Know the Difference Between Fuckable vs Dateable’. I stand by everything I wrote in that article, but I’d like to amend it. That is because recently, a Little Boy attempted to date me. And I got very confused. Despite his young age, he fit all of my criteria for dating, not just fucking. And he played it like he was trying to be my full time daddy, not just a fun time (which I would have been totally down for). But I quickly realized that he is not dateable. He is no longer even fuckable, because he is just a Little Boy.

Even if you are fucking for fucks sake, as in, you have no intention of actually dating the person you’re banging, you should still be fucking a REAL MAN, not a Little Boy. I used to love fucking little boys…. (wait. oops! DON’T CALL CHILD SERVICES! I of course mean over 18 years little boys) …because that’s all they’re good for. But now that I’m in my thirties, ain’t nobody got time fo that.

You see, age has nothing to do with it. Young twenty-something studs can be REAL MEN and some dudes in their thirties and beyond are still little boys. Since it can be difficult to know the difference, let me break it down for you:

REAL MEN DON’T LIE
because they don’t need to. If you’re not the only chick they are fucking, they will tell you straight up. Real Men don’t have the time or energy to lie and even if they did, a real man knows he’ll get respect, not just pussy, if he’s honest. So of course,

REAL MEN DON’T PLAY GAMES
because they don’t need to. Real Men say what they mean and do what they say they will do. They don’t keep you waiting; they value your time as much as their own. And they don’t try to fuck with your head or your heart because

REAL MEN RESPECT WOMEN
as much as they respect themselves. Real Men view women as equals, not objects. And last but definitely not least,

REAL MEN EAT PUSSY
and they fucking love it. And they don’t give one single fuck if it’s bushed, bristly, bald, or bleeding. A Real Man will pull your tampon out with his teeth because a Real Man has tasted blood before and he ain’t scared of it. A Real Man doesn’t put the pussy on a pedestal, he puts it in his mouth where it belongs.

(If you still don’t know how – for FUCK’S SAKE LEARN!!! – Read THIS! )

News Flash: Dudes Have Feelings Too

Posted by Rachel Hangover in depraved guy, men, sex

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Crazy talk, right?  I know, I know. We ladies are so used to sexism, so used to the idea that men are just trying to fuck us, that we don’t realize that sometimes we act just like them. But it turns out that boys have feelings, and they can get hurt, just as bad as ours.

This all came to my attention because of a recent blog I posted entitled “Know the Difference Between Fuckable vs. Dateable”. In this blog, I referred to certain types of men as ‘Human Dildos’. Now, I still think that’s funny; just like I think referring to certain females as ‘Cum Dumpsters’ is funny. But it’s not so funny when you are on the receiving end of such a reference.

Dudes catch feelings for the girls they are banging just like girls. Maybe not as often, but maybe that is just what we are conditioned to think as a society. We are told to protect our daughters; that men only think with their dicks; that women are weak and emotional and men are strong and stoic. Well, guess what? That’s a lot of bullshit. Women can be douchebags, too. And men can be total sweethearts who just want love. And both genders can be trifilin’ hoes.

Now we here at The Girl’s Guide to Depravity like to make a lot of rules. But the most important thing to remember in love and war and dating and fucking is the most important rule of all: treat others as you would like to be treated. Be honest. Be real. Don’t hurt other people lest you hurt yourself. Don’t treat a good man like a dick because you wouldn’t want a man to treat you like a cunt. Keep it sexy, keep it safe, keep it classy… but also keep it kind.

Its The Weekend… Why Don’t You Hook Up With a GIRLfriend?

Posted by Rachel Hangover in Weekend Why Don't You

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Mmmmm, girls.  Girls are just so…  HOT.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you’re not a lesbian.  You’re not even bi.  But c’mon, admit it…  you’re a little bi- curious.  As you should be, cuz let me tell you, a little girl on girl can be the best in the world.

This is coming from a bonafide bi girl.  Now, I don’t date girls – I just like to occasionally, drunkenly, make sweet sweet passionate love to my hottest girlfriends, no strings attached.  Its really the perfect situation: we are already comfortable with each other, we have already (probably) seen each other naked, we have already discussed what we do and don’t like, and there will be no post hook up drama or awkwardness because we’re just homies.  We can be sexy and be totally casual about it.

Now, I know what you’e thinking:  ’Gross!  Vagina is not my thing!’  Well, guess what?  It doesn’t have to be.  Most girls who like girls don’t mind a pillow princess as long as it means we get to hook up.  You don’t necessarily have to reciprocate on the oral deliciousness.  The fact of the matter is that girls have guys beat on a lot of other things: they kiss better, they smell better, they taste better, they’re more sensual, they listen better, and they pay better attention to what YOU like – they’re not just trying to please themselves…

And the most important thing that girls do better than guys:  EAT PUSSY.  One of my girlfriends asked me if I was so good at it because I “have an owner’s manual”.  Another girl told me she had thought that she didn’t like that – no man had ever made her cum that way.  And another girl once said, “Sometimes it takes a woman to do a man’s job to show the man what he’s been doing wrong.”  She said that in front of her boyfriend…

The majority of the girls I’ve hooked up with are ‘straight’.  Thus making me a firm believer that all girls are bi- some just don’t know it yet.  So why not give it a try?  You have nothing to lose, and multiple orgasms to gain.  And who knows?  Curiosity might just kill that pussy…

Rule #60: Know The Difference Between FUCKABLE vs DATEABLE

Posted by Rachel Hangover in sex

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Not all Goslings are created equal.

Not all Goslings are created equal.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.  It is time for us, as women, to figure out something that men have known forever: just because someone isn’t your ideal mate doesn’t mean you shouldn’t fuck his brains out whenever you want to.  You just need to differentiate between who is worthy of your time, energy, love, and commitment, and who is worthy of just your pussy.  I’ve seen so many of my girlfriends get their hearts broken because they didn’t know this very simple rule.

Now, while everyone is different, the main thing to think about is the criteria you need met.  For me personally, if a dude is dateable he must meet all of the following criteria:

1.  He is attractive and leads a healthy lifestyle

2.  He has a good job where he is successful or making the world a better place

3.  He has a good relationship with his family/friends and compatibility with mine

4.  He’s smart, funny, compassionate and shares my political, social, and spiritual views.

For a guy to be fuckable, he has to meet the following criteria:

1.  He’s hot

2.  His dick works.

(And in fact, I can be lenient with the second one.  I was “fucking” a little rockstar at one point whose nasty little coke problem made it impossible for him to get it up no matter how hard we both tried.  However, his enthusiasm and skill when it came to cunnilingus made that a moot point.   *sigh*  I miss that guy.)

So many women are out looking for The Perfect Man, that they blow off a perfectly good Fuckable Man.  They are pining away, waiting for an imaginary ideal, using up the batteries in their vibrators, dreaming of Mr. Right when they could be getting their ass pounded to the wall by Mr. Right Now.  What a fucking waste.  What should be happening instead, is that women take advantage of a good/easy/convenient fuck while still on the lookout for the guy who has it all.  MEN DO THIS WITH EVERY GIRL THEY MEET.  We need to learn it, love it, live it, NOW.

The problem is that a lot of women have trouble separating sex and emotions.  GET OVER IT.  Don’t ALLOW emotions to get involved until they evolve naturally.  If he’s not the perfect man for you, why in the fuck would you waste your emotional energy wondering how he thinks of or feels for you?  Why would you want or expect a man to start a relationship with you when you barely know him and he barely knows you?

Of course, most men fall somewhere in between The Perfect Man and a Human Dildo and sometimes things can get confusing.  I’ve fallen for fuck buddies and I’ve realized a guy I thought was perfect on paper was nothing but a dick.  When this happens, separate yourself from him immediately and give yourself a little time.  Find out what you both want.  If you caught feelings and he doesn’t feel the same way, GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.  And if the opposite is true, break it off with him.  Its only fair.

Since most of the men you meet aren’t going to meet your criteria for boyfriend material, have fun and keep it casual.  Don’t let a good dick go to waste.  Don’t get caught up in the feels until you’re sure its something real.  Get some good lovin’ while the gettin’ is good because nothing makes you look hotter than being a confident woman who is obviously gettin’ some.  And all that sexy afterglow might just attract the one you’ve been waiting for.

“He Says He’s 8 Inches — How Big is he REALLY?”

Posted by Heather in Ask a Depraved Bitch

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In this edition of “Ask a Depraved Bitch,” a reader wants to know what the actual size of her latest lust is:

I’ve been online stalking some guy who claims to be 8″.  But guys always lie about their height and their penis size, so how big do you think he is really?  Don’t just advise me to fuck him to find out, I wanna know in advance so I don’t waste anymore time thinking about this dick if he’s not up to my standards.

–Size Queen

Dear Size Queen,

Much like the butt sex ratio, there is indeed a penis size ratio.  The average American penis is 5 1/2 inches hard.  Yet most men tell women they are from 7-8 inches.  So I would definitely apply a two-inch deduction to whatever he says.  But there’s really no way to be sure until he whips out his boner.  You don’t have to fuck him per se to find out, but a little bit of a handy never hurt.  Course, if this is a strictly textual relationship, tell him to send you a dick pic posed next to a ruler.  Then you’ll know.

xox

Rule #59: Don’t Send Naked Pics Until He’s Seen You Naked

Posted by Liz in RULE

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Call me a prude, but in the age of Tinder and Snapchat, it’s easy for communication to go from flirty to slutty with a single text. So how do you maintain your modesty in the digital age?

You can still be cheeky with your words and photos, but if you aren’t ready for a man to see your pussy in the flesh, don’t send him a picture of it. Once he’s gotten the goods, fire away, but if you press send on an XXX snapshot too quickly, he could assume that’s all you’re good for.

However, if you are only pursuing him as a human dildo, ignore everything I’ve just said.

How Do You Say “Depravity” in Italian?

Posted by Heather in Giveaway, The Book

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My book’s been published in Italian!  I don’t speak this amazing language of love, food and fottendo, but I’m told the new title roughly translates to “Bad Girls Are Made, Not Born.”  In honor of this transcontinentally depraved event, I’m giving away a signed book (in the original English) to one lucky, dirty, winner.

To enter*:

  1. Become a fan on Facebook (see link at right.)
  2. In the comments below, tell me why you absolutely CANNOT live another day without this book.
  3. Be sure to leave your e-mail in the e-mail field, not the body of the comments (unless you’re trolling for spammers.)

I will pick one winner by next Thursday June 19th.

*Sorry, but I will only ship to US addresses.