Ahhh, February. The shittiest, and thank God, shortest month of the year. And to make this horrid month even more heinous, the assholes in charge dropped the worst excuse for a holiday right smack dab in the middle of it. I hate Valentine’s Day. Even when I was in a relationship with a man I was actually in love with, we both knew this ‘holiday’ was bullshit. Instead of going out or exchanging stupid gifts, we would light every candle in our home, eat a bunch of magic mushrooms, drink red wine, and make love and fuck for hours. We refused to ever give money to the bullshit corporations that feed off the lonely and insecure.
Now that I’m single, Valentine’s Day is only a minor annoyance, since I usually have to bartend on that day and plaster on a smile for the couples who are faking it even worse than I am. But at least I get to go home and get off with someone who knows exactly what they’re doing (myself). And I get to go to my favorite place in the whole world: my tiny studio apartment in Venice Beach. That’s mine; my sanctuary; the only place I get to be fully ME. So in honor of this fake corporate money scam holiday, and the absolute joy of being alone this February 14th, here are
THE TOP 10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BEING SINGLE AND LIVING ALONE
10) MY SPACE IS MY SPACE – My apartment looks like the color purple exploded all over it. It’s decorated with a mixture of classic vintage pieces, punk rock pieces, and 80′s/90′s nostalgia. Why? Because all of those things make ME happy. Gone are the days of staring at my ex’s ugly baseball painting. Or that horrific chair he was obsessed with. My space is mine completely and filed with things that bring me specific joy. And that’s fucking delightful.
9) BED ALL TO MY DAMN SELF – Holy fuck I love my bed. Bed bed bed bed. My bed is the most expensive thing I’ve ever bought myself and that includes cars I’ve owned. And unless I choose to, I don’t have to share it with anyone. No fighting over blankets. No encroaching on my side (or arguing about sides). No debates over the fan on or off or when lights out happen. No getting kicked or whacked in the middle of the night. No SNORING!!! Just sleep whenever the fuck I want and for however long I want. Which brings us to….
8) SLOTH- I can stay in my exquisite bed all goddamned day if I want to! No one is even going to know, let alone judge me. I can nap eight fucking times a day if I feel like it. I can eat in bed. I can do my taxes in bed. I can write this fucking blog in bed which is exactly what the fuck I’m doing right now. Being single means you get to be a lazy as you want to be. And laziness is so gorgeous.
7) INDULGING IN DEPRESSION- While we’re on the topic of staying in bed all day, occasionally that goes hand in hand with depression. Maybe not like clinical-you-need-therapy-or-meds depression but like the old melancholy-and-the-infinite-sadness. You can wallow in it if you so feel like it. You can listen to old Cranberries tunes and cry it out. No one is there worrying about you or trying to cheer you up. As a very depressive but also very creative person, I sometimes relish my dark moods. A lot of creative energy comes from the sadness as much as the joy. Being able to Just Be Sad is a fucking gift.
6) BEING A WEIRDO OR HERMIT- It’s not just about staying in bed all damn day if I want to; it’s also about not having to leave the house for days if I don’t feel like it. I can hole up and watch 36 uninterrupted hours of Netflix if I choose. Or I can have an 80′s dance party in my underwear by myself. I can work on my weird art projects or talk to myself or make up corny songs or do the billion other things that I secretly love to do that I’d be mortified if anyone ever found out. And I can do all of it whilst I’m
5) BEING BUTT NAKED- When you are single and live alone, your nudity is your prerogative. And I personally love being naked. Fuck clothes! Adios pantalones! I love waking around my apartment naked. I sleep naked. I cook naked. (Watch out for grease splatters!) I work out naked. I do just about everything naked because no one is around to judge my body. I don’t have to look sexy or suck in my belly. I can revel in my pale, cellulite and stretch mark ridden glory. I am ready for my own jelly and I love every inch of it.
4) SEXUAL INDEPENDENCE (aka) FUCKING WHOEVER YOU WANT WHENEVER YOU WANT – I mean, this is pretty self explanatory. I’ve been deeply, deeply in love before. But that sure as shit didn’t stop me from wanting to fuck other people. Monogamy is so grossly overrated. In fact most of my relationships end right around the two and a half year mark because I get an itch that only someone new can scratch. Singledom means fringledom. Ooops I mean freedom. You can have as much (or as little) sex as you want. You can have threesomes or eightsomes or whatever without worrying about jealousy or other pesky bullshit feelings. And you can masturbate all day day to whatever weird porn you’re into. You can leave all your weird sex toys all over your place if you so feel like it. Your partners and your pleasures are entirely up to you. Being your own sexual boss is legit.
3) GLUTTONY- Just like sex, food brings me great pleasure and it’s so so lovely to not have to have a fucking powwow before every meal. Half hour conversations about where or what WE are going to eat are so tiresome. My most recent ex hated the smell of broccoli so I as not allowed to cook or eat broccoli in his presence. Fuck that shit. Now I can eat whatever the fuck I want and whatever amount I want whenever the fuck I want. Girl scout cookies for breakfast? Fuck yeah! If I’m on my period and I want to eat an entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, there is no one to stop me or judge me. Ain’t no one gonna eat my leftovers. And if I wanna eat some weird shit like putting sriracha on a tortilla and taking it straight to the face well then I can and I WILL! Gordita feliz all day errrrrry day muthafukkas!!! Which brings us to…
2) BEING A DISGUSTING PIG- you wanna pig out? Do it. Don’t feel like doing the dishes? Don’t. Don’t feel like cleaning? You never have to unless you want to. You wanna pick your nose or pick your wedgie? Fucking go for it. You can be as utterly disgusting as you want. Ain’t nobody’s biz. And while you’re at it your nasty ass can be
1) FARTING up a storm. Farting is vastly underrated. Farting is actually delightful. When I was in a relationship, I tried my best to Keep Things Nice. In the mornings I’d creep into the bathroom and try to fart as quietly as possible. But now, I can just let er rip. I can blow ass like a trumpet if I feel like it. I don’t gotta be ladylike. Fuck being demure. I can exorcize those butt demons whenever I want. And what a release. What freedom. And really, that’s what it’s all about. Love is great. But freedom and self love are pretty fucking great too.
Happy Valentine’s Day, ya filthy animals.