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Ask a Depraved Bitch

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, depravity, Facebook, Formspring, Love, sex, Twitter


I’ve recently started answering your sick and sexy questions via Formspring, Facebook and Twitter.

Here’s a little taste of what kinda depravity I’ve been doling out:

Q: My boyfriend recently was injured, he has to wear a back brace when not in bed and an arm sling most of the time for the next 6 to 8 weeks. The doctors told him not to have sex or masturbate for at least 4 to 5 weeks because cumming might actually break his spine. After I was finished laughing I got reallt depressed. It’s been 1 week, neither of us are doing so well. Suggestions?

A: Just because he’s laid up doesn’t mean you can’t get laid! I assume his tongue isn’t in a sling? So sit down on his face and make him get to work!

Q: so me and my guy have been together for a year and we now live together, so sex used to be a frequent thing, now it only happens when HE wants it to happen. what about me? how can i get our sex life back to a mutual thing. -Christina

A: Christina — one question: how are your bj skillz? In my experience, no guy will refuse a hummer, no matter how tired he is. So get to work, then when it’s good ‘n ready, jump on that peen and do your business!

Q: How can you go from being fuck buddies to dating?

A: Right before he slips his peen between your thighs, just close your eyes and imagine you went to dinner first. Cuz that’s the only way you’ll ever get a fuck buddy to date you.

Have you got a question about sex, love or depravity? Ask me here: It’s anonymous!

Rule #13: There’s More Than One Way To Fuck A Man

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in car, cat, Facebook, Rule #13: There's More Than One Way To Fuck A Man

Although there are all kinds of ways to screw a guy in bed, the fucking I’m talking about has to do with his head.

That’s right, girls. I’m talking revenge.

Let’s say you’ve been dating this guy who is so your T (full sleeve of tatts, vintage car) for about two months. You’ve been inseperable since the night you dragged him back to your place after a bingeing on tequila at the Snakepit. It’s getting serious enough to finally have “the talk” — you know, where you agree that it’s ok to fart in front of each other. Suddenly, he stops calling, won’t return texts/tweets/e-mails. After a little investigation you find out HE’S HAD A GIRLFRIEND THE ENTIRE TIME! She just happened to be out of town when you two hooked up. And that fucker even told you he loved you! (Ok, it was after half a bottle of Jack and a hummer, but still!)

So, do you sit around crying to your girlfriends while watching the entire box set of Sex and the City on a loop? Or do you make HIM cry?

Obviously, I vote for the latter.

Fuck his car:

A D-bag loves nothing more than his car, so hit him in his figurative balls. You could go the Carrie Underwood route and mess with the outside of the car, or you could fuck up the inside. Some say it’s a myth, but a friend of mine swears (from experience) that pouring sugar in a gas tank will fuck up the engine. Powdered sugar, sand and bleach with also mess that shit up. Now I’m not condoning this, as it IS illegal, so if you go this route, make sure you’re ready for the consequences (i.e. take a sweater, jail is cold.)

Fuck his Facebook:

The Girl's Guide to Depravity
Wait until you know he’ll be out at some loud club for the night and then have a really, really great friend leave this post on his wall. Then wait for the comments from his girlfriend and other hos to roll in.

Fuck his home:

The idiot is too stupid to remember that he told you where he keeps the hide-a-key. Use it to get in and then kidnap his cat like my friend L once did (she still has that pussy) or if you’re really committed, you’ll move (or remove) one item every week until he thinks he’s going crazy.

Have you got a tale of depraved revenge? I’d love to hear it — post it in the comments below!