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I ain’t afraid of no GHOSTS

Posted by Rachel Hangover in advice, awkward moments, pussy contract, sex

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Just in time for Halloween, today we are going to talk about that spooky phenomenon that has been the bitter taste on the tip of everyone’s tongue lately:  GHOSTING.  You know what I’m referring to: you meet a guy; you hit it off; you go out maybe once or twice; maybe you sleep with him, maybe not; but you think things are going well and then all out of sudden, he’s nowhere to be found.  You try to text/call = radio silence.  It’s like he’s disappeared into thin air.  He’s vanished and all you have left is the memory of what could have been, haunting you.  You’ve been ghosted and it fucking sucks.

It happens to everyone.  It’s even happened to me and I know for a FACT I’m Totally Awesome.  So instead of screaming WHY?!?!?! (It’s simple) and MEN ARE THE WORST!!!!! (well, that might be true) let’s go over some inconvenient truths.  The reason why you were ghosted is because He’s Just Not That Into You.  It doesn’t matter how deep a connection you felt or how great a time you thought y’all were having.  He’s just not that into you.  If you call him out, he may give you some excuse like work has been crazy, or he’s dealing with some family shit, or he just needs time to figure out what he wants.  Those things may all be true.  But what he doesn’t want is you.

The fact of the matter is, men who love someone and want to be with that person, will do everything in their power to make that happen.  If he’s not putting in the effort, he just doesn’t care.  And he doesn’t really want to explain to you why you’re not the one.  He probably doesn’t even know why.  He’s just not feeling it, and he wants to avoid an awkward or potentially painful conversation.  So he just peaces out and leaves you wondering if you did something wrong.  You didn’t.  You’re fine.  You’re lovely in fact.

Which brings me to my second point.  Ghosting is lazy.  It’s tacky.  It’s rude and inconsiderate.  It is not how a gentleman behaves.  So why in the fuck would you want to be with someone who is not a gentleman and doesn’t want to be with you??  Never spend any time or energy on someone who doesn’t spend the same on you.  Stop worrying about why it happened or whining about the fact it happened it all and move the fuck on.  In the immortal words of two chill dudes named Wayne and Garth: “Get over it.  Go out with someone else.”  Put your big girl panties on; hell buy some sexy new ones even; and get to swiping girl.

Because the unfortunate thing is that it looks like ghosting is here to stay.  In a world where we can order up a person on an app and find out everything we need to know about someone online without actually having to get to know them, we just don’t need to waste time on someone who isn’t right.  There are just too many other options.  So explore those other options immediately.  There are good guys out there.  You’ll find one.  (You’re gonna need some extra luck and patience if you live in Los Angeles.  Godspeed.)

P.S.  The guy who ghosted you might try down the line to get back in your life.  Suddenly he’s back from the dead. That’s when a ghost becomes a zombie.   And we all know what to do with zombies: aim for the head and destroy that motherfucker before he fucks your shit up or infects your friends.  Happy Halloween, my depraved ones.  Do your tricks and get your treats.

 

Rule #64: Suck Harder

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, blowjobs, sex

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They say blowjobs are like pizza, even if they’re bad, they’re still good. But “they” have never gagged on an errant hair and ended up puking all over their partner.  Besides, why settle for giving a “good” blowjob when you can give a fucking fantastic one?

I usually hate giving BJ tips because it’s all subjective. What makes one guy shoot off like a rocket may leave another guy with failure to launch. However, there are a few things that will make any guy fall to his knees … in order to return the favor with some head for you! Because isn’t that really what it’s all about?

1) Fucking ENTHUSIASM! Go to town like a diabetic with a lolly and no matter how much teeth you accidentally use, you’ll still be a champ. There’s no bigger turn off than a girl who’s choking on a dick every five seconds. Except for a girl who refuses to choke on a dick at all.

2) Not every guy likes a finger up the ass, but they all like a little pressure above their treasure trail. Press down with an open palm just above the dick, make eye contact (if their eyes are even still open then) and slurp away.

3) Take your time! I know, ugh, it’s already hard work, why would you want to make it last ten minutes when you could make him cum in ten seconds? But most guys like to savor a bj, cuz they never know when they’ll get one again.

Happy blowing!

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Toys Aren’t Just For Kids!

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, fuck, orgasms

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So don’t be afraid to bust one out during sex!

The first few times I’m intimate with someone this doesn’t even cross my mind because I’m enjoying the experience and getting used to the feeling of it all. However, after I spend more time with a guy, I feel more comfortable letting myself go. And we all know how tricky it is to get me off, so usually this doesn’t happen unless there’s a fully-charged vibrator thrown into the mix.

The first time I ever attempted this, it was the guy’s idea, and I was so nervous I couldn’t even come. I felt like I was on the spot and I had actually never gotten off with/in front of a guy before, so I froze. I was 24. The next time this happened was with Heartbreaker, and we had been together for a few months, so it was a lot less nerve wracking. After a while, it ended up becoming a pretty regular part of our bedroom routine, especially when the infamous Liberator was involved. Tall, Dark and Handsome suggested it a few times when we were hooking up, but I wasn’t ready to scream in front of him just yet. That and I seem to have misplaced the charger for my Lelo, and only one of the prongs on my Jopen vibe works, so it seemed like too much of a hassle to explain. But I was getting close to that point with him, so if we had continued seeing each other for a few more weeks, he would have finally gotten to see my O face.

And that’s the thing: If you’re not completely comfortable with someone, don’t do it. It’s normal to be nervous until you reach a certain level of intimacy and the goal is to feel good, not embarrassed. But once you are ready, don’t think for one second that any man will find it emasculating if you use your toy in front of them. And if they do, dump them immediately.

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, dating and awkward moments in the bedroom.

Why The 3 Date Rule is Bullshit

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, sex

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The usual dating conventions tell us girls that we should wait at least three dates before having sex with some guy. But here’s why that’s bullshit:

  1. He could die before the third date.
  2. You could die before the third date.
  3. He could just as easily not call you back after third date sex as he could after first date sex — at least you won’t waste your time on two more dates.
  4. If you wanna fuck him, you should fuck him.
  5. It’s 2014.  Stop following the rules your grandma made up.

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Don’t Tell Me To Touch Myself

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, fuck, How-To, orgasms, sex

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Please don’t tell me to touch myself when we’re getting it on.

I don’t need to be the boss, but I’m not big on men making demands of me in the bedroom. I’d like to think that we’re equals, and if you have a specific request, there are reasonable ways to ask.

When we’re naked in bed and you’re kissing my neck and we’re about to take it to the next level, the quickest way to kill the mood is to whisper in my ear, “I want you to play with your pussy.” First of all, the word pussy is just…ugh. Don’t! Second, ordering me to masturbate on command makes me cringe. It’s pretty difficult to get me off unless you’ve been going down on me for a few minutes (or unless there’s a toy involved), but if you’re watching me rub myself and I feel like I have to put on a show, it’s the least pleasurable thing ever. It’s not going make me orgasm, and I’m a terrible actress, so all it’s going to do is make me look and feel stupid.

If I want to play with myself during sex, you’ll know…or you can just take charge and grab my vibrator out of my top drawer. That’s the guaranteed way to make me scream…and you don’t even have to ask!

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about sex, love and dating douchebags.

Don’t Waste Your Time On Tinder

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, sex

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Last summer, every girl I know was raving about all the hot guys on Tinder and how it was such a quick and easy way to meet them. However, flash forward to the present day, and I don’t know a single person who ended up having a Tinder success story, myself included.

One of my girlfriends dated a guy whom we now believe was homeless (he had no friends and he basically moved in with her on the second date), another one fought with her date over their dinner bill, and one of my guy friends got involved with this crazy bitch who put his picture, phone number and e-mail address on Grindr when he stopped calling/fucking her. When he texted me from a new number a few days later and told me the story, I was equally amused and horrified.

The guys who are on Tinder now are total creeps, so if you want to amass a large collection of dick pictures on your phone, fuck random dudes and never hear from them again, Tinder is be perfect for you. But all the eligible bachelors have seemingly quit the app, so if you’re looking for more than a late night booty call, don’t even waste your time. You have a better chance of meeting a decent man at a dive bar (or OK Cupid) than you do from swiping right.

Rule# 52: Good Things Come In Threesomes

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, RULE, sex, threesome

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Two is great but three is better, especially when it comes to sex.

If you haven’t tried a threesome yet … what the fuck are you waiting for?  As a woman, it’s not hard to get a hot dude home with you if you’re offering up the opportunity for him to bang you AND your hot friend.  And I’d always recommend a two-girls on three guys set-up, you don’t want to be caught in a devil’s horn threesome with two guys sword-fighting over your vag, or worse, more interested in each other than they are in you.

But you know what’s better than a threesome?  A throuple.  Not only do you get all the perks of a threesome, you also have someone to fuck when one of the parties has whiskey dick/the screaming shits/just isn’t feeling it … or you have a proxy to fuck for you when you’re the one who’s incapacitated.

My friend S has been enjoying the benefits of being in a long distance throuple … which means when she comes to town, it’s all about her and she never has to do the dishes.  Fucking genius.

 

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Get Elevated!

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, sex

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Whether it’s investing in a Liberator or using a few pillows to prop yourself up, it’s all about getting banged at the right angles.

My ex and I invested in a Liberator because, well, why the fuck not. But if you don’t have $200 to throw away on a massive foam wedge that you have to hide in the back of your closet when friends come over, two regular pillows always do the trick. Not only does it make certain positions feel better (read: deeper penetration), but when it comes to doing it doggy style, you will always look better with your tush in the air. Some guys may claim to be leg or tit men, but deep down, every dude is truly an ass man. When you bend over, any under-ass/thigh cellulite virtually disappears, they can see your vag and if you’re a pro at arching your back, it makes your butt look bigger and your waist look skinnier.

You’re welcome.

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about everything from overpriced sex furniture to dating douchebags in Los Angeles.

“Should I Pop My Cherry With A F*ck Buddy?”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, Ask a Depraved Bitch

In this edition of “Ask the Cuntessa” a Depraved Virgin wants to know if she should break her hymen with a guy who only wants her for her untouched vag.

“I’m a 25-year-old virgin and I’m tired of it! I’m so frustrated and I know I need to get laid but I get very shy and when the time comes to pop that cherry, I always chicken out.  But I found this guy that I had feelings for in the past who wants to be my fuck buddy now.  But I’m afraid those feelings may come back … what should I do?”

– I Need a Dick Fix

Dear Dick Fix:

I love nothing more than a slutty virgin.  But no matter how much you’d like to think you can f*ck like a man and separate emotions from sex (especially on the first time!) it’s not that easy.

So basically, you have two options:

1. Don’t f*ck your f*ck buddy.  The upside is you won’t get emotionally attached to someone who just wants you for sex.  The downside, of course, is that you still have your v-card and if you continue to wait for a man who’s cherry-pie worthy, you just might end up being a true 40-year-old virgin.

2. F*ck him.  Be fully aware that you will get emotionally involved and most likely heart-broken.  Don’t try to kid yourself into thinking that he will somehow be transformed by this experience and suddenly want to be your dude.  Stock up on plenty of Xanax, vodka, Pinkberry and the entire Sex and the City boxed set, because those are the only things that will get you through the ensuing months.  Pro: you finally got laid!

If what you’re really looking for is a dick fix at any cost, then obviously you go with option 2.

Have fun and don’t forget to bring lots of lube!

“Help an Average Guy Get Laid”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in advice, Ask a Depraved Bitch

Ever since I started blogging about how I was playing for the other team (you know, giving advice to guys), I’ve been inundated with e-mails from guys who want to know how to approach a Depraved Girl.  So in this week’s “Ask the Cuntessa”, I’ve decided it was time they got lucky.

This girl gave me her number.  What should I say in my first text to her?

– Finger Fucked

Hopefully something like “The sex last night was great, can’t wait to fuck you again!”

How does an average guy, who doesn’t have experience “picking-up” women, and doesn’t play games, find and recognize depraved girls, and what is the best way to approach and proposition them?

– Average Joe

You don’t “play games”?  Well, if you want to get laid, you better suit up and get ready, because if you don’t play, you’ll never score.  A girl can easily get laid with a direct approach (“Hi, wanna fuck?” can work like a charm) but a dude needs to finesse that shit a little bit before going in for the kill (or the g-spot, as it were.)

You say you need help identifying a Depraved Girl.  Depraved Girls come in all different shapes, sizes and outfits, so don’t just look for the sluttiest bitch at the bar — sometimes there’s a freak hiding underneath that turtleneck.  Check out what she’s drinking — if it’s a white wine or a Cosmojito — pass.  If she’s at the bar, drinking whiskey straight, there’s a good chance she’s a Depraved Girl.

Every Depraved Girl knows free drinks taste better, so right off the bat, buy her a drink.  If she tries to ditch you for another guy, offer to be her wingman.  Find ways to subtly trash the guy while making it seem like you’re helping her out  “Oh, you love (insert obnoxious indie rock band here)?  She has a weakness for guys with shitty taste in music!”  If she succeeds with the guy, make sure you give her your number in case she needs your wingman services in the future (hoping that she’ll text you if she needs your dick services in the future.) BUT, things may go badly, in which case feel free to say, “look, you can spend the next half hour trying to land a different douche, or you can spend the next half hour getting fucked at my place right now.”

Hey, there’s no shame in sloppy seconds!

What should guys do to get laid (at a bar, bookstore, campus, wherever)?

–Desperately Seeking Poon

Step one: TALK TO A GIRL!  You’d be surprised at how many of us are just waiting for something as simple as a guy just walking up and saying hello.  Of course, there are bonus points if you make us laugh.  And if you’re hot.

Are you in need of my depraved advice?  Of course you are!   Contact me here and I just may answer you on the blog!