It's been three months since you got laid and you're so horny you've worn out the batteries on your Jimmy Jane vibe. You're at the bar, wasted on one too many whiskey sodas, thanks to Rule #2 and the loser who's been buying you drink after drink, hoping the next one may be the golden ticket into your pants.

The more you drink, the hornier you get, but no amount of alcohol is going to change the fact that this loser is straight up ugly.

So how do you get off without getting sick at the sight of his O Face?

1. Beauty is just a light switch away. Do yourself a favor and keep it in the dark, if you barf up all those free drinks, it's a waste of a buzz.

2. Pick a position where the only skin-on-skin contact is penis-to-vagina. There's no reason why you have to hold onto his fat rolls or brush against his backne. Try doggie-style or reverse cowgirl, making sure all hands are being kept to themselves.

3. Keep all clothes ON. You don't need to know what he's hiding under that Ed Hardy Tee, just whip it out of his pants and try not to get your pubes caught on the zipper. Plus, if you keep yours on as well, you won't have to worry about big roaming furry paws to take you out of the moment. (*Works best if you're wearing a dress)

4. Absolutely no talking. Unless he can do a convincing Scottish accent that allows you to imagine you're being eaten out by Gerard Butler, place a gag order on the guy.

5. Remember, ugly guys work harder, so don't be afraid to lie back and let him do all the work!