You're sitting at the bar and you're talking to this guy. He's hot, he's funny, he's smart, and there's a very good possibility he's straight. He says something mildly amusing, you throw your head back and laugh, putting your hand over his for emphasis. That's when you see it: He's wearing a ring. Come to think of it, he's not even flirting with you, he's just being charmingly polite. But before you can turn your head, a woman's hand snakes around his neck. First you notice the 2 carat diamond. Then you notice the fabulous Lanvin top. Then you notice the face and you almost do a spit take right into Mr. Perfect's face.
Bitch is beat.
Your first thought: Sugar Mama. But HE picks up the tab.
So how did someone as ugly as her get someone as amazing as him?
Easy. She has a magic pussy.
What's a magic pussy you ask? I'm sure visions of a Thai ping-pong show are running through your head, but that's not magic, just a lot of control.
A magic pussy is when a woman unworthy of a fantastic man has him so p-whipped that he won't even take a shit without her say-so. Examples of famous magic pussies in history:
Wallis Simpson, the fugly, pre-menopausal, thrice divorced American woman who made a British king abdicate his thrown. And Kate Hudson. Even with eyes set as far apart as a hammerhead shark's she's got actors and athletes alike slitting their wrists at the thought of losing her.
So how do you get one?
Well, forget about doing your kegels. It's all about confidence. The ugliest woman can have a guy wrapped around her little finger if she makes him think he's lucky to have her. I once knew a girl who would whisper things in her guy's ear when he was asleep like "you're so lucky to have me, you'd die if I ever left you, you'd jump off a bridge if I broke up with you," and crazy shit like that. I knew another girl who had a crush on a co-worker, so when he was at lunch, she'd stick her finger up her crotch and rub her vagina juice all over his keyboard (true story) until one day he just knew he had to have her.
So practice one of these techniques or try out your own, but remember, once your vadge is magic, you can get any guy you want.
4 comments:
I know this girl named Hermione Granger who named her magic pussy "Crookshanks". Hogwarts rocks.
Criss Angel the Mindfreak is a magic pussy. Does he count?
I think magic BJs factor into this as well. No one is going to stay with a girl who won't go down on him and its almost impossible to dump a girl who loves nothing more than swallowing your load...Just saying...
I have had a theory about married pussy in general for years. I know not all married pussies are magical, but I do believe a man who has had his share of pussy won't marry a pussy that isn't.
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