The Girl's Guide to Depravity

One of the most important rule in the Depraved Girl's code is that you've got to blindly follow your girlfriends into battle, even if they're on a suicide mission.

Now this rule could apply to something as simple as holding up your drunken friend as she takes a piss squat in the alley behind the crowded club (and long bathroom line) so she doesn't get pee on her new Chie Mihara platform pumps (been there), or going on a stalk-a-palooza of her latest lust's favorite bars and clubs all weekend.

Even if it's late Sunday night and you've got a two day hangover, she gets a tip that the dirty hot douche is at Crown Bar, you tear youself away from True Blood and your second bottle of wine and you go. Even if he's a cheat who's broken her heart time and time again, you slap a smile and a couple extra pounds of concealer on your face, pop a Ritalin and you do everything you can to help her get what she wants, even if what she wants is bad for her.

Good dick is hard to come by (pun intended) so my fellow depraved girls and I always agreed it was "dicks before chicks." If your pal has the chance to get some, you should be happy for her vagina instead of pissed that she was ditching you. After all, she'll do it for you when the situations are reversed!

Fleshbot recently revealed their most popular reader requests of 2009 and surprisingly, freckles took the top spot as the number one request with Jewish girls coming in at number two.

I'm a Jewish girl with freckles (but unlike Amy's, mine are real -- and they're spectacular), so does that make me the holy grail for pervs?

The rest of the top ten are:

3) Apparently his dick is not the only thing a guy wants to see between your thighs: Girls on bikes cracks the top 3.

4) Break out your concealer, girls. Number 4 is pale nipples.

5) Not surprisingly, a request for women of the Asian persuasion makes it on the list at number 5.

6) A very PG-13 penchant for girls in panties is number 6.

7) Big girls with curves round out the list at number 7.

8) At a respectable number 8 is fiery redheads.

9) Inverted nipples are a turn on? Really?

10) Members of the itty-bitty-titty-committee rejoice. Small boobs squeak by at number 10.

Now normally I'm on the side of the bitches no matter what, but sometimes your vagenitals are absolutely on fire for some dick (and not because of the STD you got last week) and you just can't help yourself.

As long as you don't know his girlfriend, it's totally acceptable to put out that fire by sticking his schlong between your lips. But just remember, shit goes both ways. If you're willing to fuck a guy who has a girlfriend, there are a million bitches who will do the same to you if given the chance.

Tiger Woods is certainly proof of that!

A few years ago, I got sick of dating all those dirty hot guys who always turned out to be cheating douchebags. So I decided to give the ugly guy with the good job and average car a chance.

Well, after three months, he convinced me to move in with him. He had a great two bedroom in Hancock Park and said I'd only have to pay my share of the utilities, so I thought why the hell not? Well, after three months and three weeks I came home one night to find him having butt-sex with Beatriz, our Brazilian neighbor.

Either way, you're gonna get fucked (and not in a good way). So you might as well continue dating the dirty hot douches, they go better with the new Balenciaga bag you got as a "Kobe Special" from the ugly dude before you dumped his ass!

R.I.P., Tai. I hope they have plenty of cocaine and collagen wherever you are now.

The Telegraph has a story about Joleen Baughman of New Mexico, who woke up from a car accident to find that she was in a state of "perpetual" arousal!

While most of us depraved girls just call that "normal," Joleen wasn't as excited to be that excitable on a 24/7 basis. "It's very embarrassing and it's impossible to concentrate," says the mother-of-two who was diagnosed with "Restless Genital Syndrome" (also known as Sorority Sluts Syndrome) when the collision damaged a nerve in her pelvis.

Funny, but I have the same issue thanks to a wearable vibrator and my collection of shirtless pictures of Hugh Jackman!

Apparently Joleen gets no relief from sex, much to the delight of her husband. "Brian was ecstatic. He was like, 'Wow for once in our marriage, she is the one who wants all the sex.'"

But as she soon discovered what we all figured out in college, getting slammed two and three times a day can leave your vagina feeling sore. "We would have sex once and I would feel no release at all," Joleen said. "So we would go again and then it would start really hurting but I would still want sex, even more than before. If my husband managed to go for a third time it would be agony but I would still feel no release."

Doctors say the issue is due to the damage to her pudendal nerve, a nerve close to the genitalia, which was damaged in the crash. And suddenly husbands all over the country are found driving their wives into trees...

You're sitting at the bar and you're talking to this guy. He's hot, he's funny, he's smart, and there's a very good possibility he's straight. He says something mildly amusing, you throw your head back and laugh, putting your hand over his for emphasis. That's when you see it: He's wearing a ring. Come to think of it, he's not even flirting with you, he's just being charmingly polite. But before you can turn your head, a woman's hand snakes around his neck. First you notice the 2 carat diamond. Then you notice the fabulous Lanvin top. Then you notice the face and you almost do a spit take right into Mr. Perfect's face.

Bitch is beat.

Your first thought: Sugar Mama. But HE picks up the tab.

So how did someone as ugly as her get someone as amazing as him?

Easy. She has a magic pussy.

What's a magic pussy you ask? I'm sure visions of a Thai ping-pong show are running through your head, but that's not magic, just a lot of control.

A magic pussy is when a woman unworthy of a fantastic man has him so p-whipped that he won't even take a shit without her say-so. Examples of famous magic pussies in history:


Wallis Simpson, the fugly, pre-menopausal, thrice divorced American woman who made a British king abdicate his thrown. And Kate Hudson. Even with eyes set as far apart as a hammerhead shark's she's got actors and athletes alike slitting their wrists at the thought of losing her.

So how do you get one?

Well, forget about doing your kegels. It's all about confidence. The ugliest woman can have a guy wrapped around her little finger if she makes him think he's lucky to have her. I once knew a girl who would whisper things in her guy's ear when he was asleep like "you're so lucky to have me, you'd die if I ever left you, you'd jump off a bridge if I broke up with you," and crazy shit like that. I knew another girl who had a crush on a co-worker, so when he was at lunch, she'd stick her finger up her crotch and rub her vagina juice all over his keyboard (true story) until one day he just knew he had to have her.

So practice one of these techniques or try out your own, but remember, once your vadge is magic, you can get any guy you want.

Tiger Woods' slut Rachel Uchitel and Eliot Spitzer's ho Ashley Dupre

With all the news about the amount of cash Tiger Woods paid for his nine mistresses (or "The Tiger Back 9" as I call them) in plastic surgery and hush money, it kinda makes you wonder why he didn't just go out and get a hooker! After all, they ARE a bit more discreet (unless they get caught) and with the millions he shelled out for his sluts, if it didn't save him money, it might have at least saved him a beatdown from his wife!

So I've decided to examine the pros and cons (or "hos and cons?") of sleeping with a slut versus fucking a call girl:

Hos: When a slut says she'll come right over after "work," you don't have to break out the black light to make sure she washed all the dick out of her mouth!

Cons: When a drunk slut pukes on you during sex, you can't ask for a refund.

Have you got a reason why fucking a hooker is better than banging a slut (or vice versa)? Post it in the comments below!

GG2D reader Madelyn wrote in about her attempt to score free drinks at Barney's Beanery in West Hollywood, and although a free drink from one loser is still a free drink, a free drink from two losers are TWO free drinks!

"I went to Barneys Beanery to watch the Steelers game last weekend and inadvertently saddled up at the bar BETWEEN two guys who had some kind of beef or unpleasant history with each other... Loser #1 was standing next to my girlfriend and offered to buy us tequila shots before we even said hello. He was making weird faces at Loser #2 who was standing on the other side of me, and offered to buy us a round of cocktails almost as soon as we finished the shots! 'What's up with you two,"' I asked Loser #2 who was giving #1 the side eye at this point. 'I just don't like him,' Loser #2 replied. Suddenly, we were caught in between a war over who could buy us the next round, and needless to say, we were totally enjoying it and more than a little wasted! Suddenly, Loser #2 throws a punch over us at Loser #1, and they BOTH got removed by security from the bar. The bartender felt so bad we got caught in the middle that he offered us another round on the house! The next thing I remember is waking up in the bartender's bed wearing nothing but a big chunk of puke in my hair..."

That reminds me of another Rule: Don't Shit Where You Drink. But that's for another post...

I know you're all Miss Independent women, women who can buy themselves their own drinks thank-you-very-much, women who will blow half their paycheck on a Missoni scarf or laser hair removal to obtain a perfect, life-long Hitler 'stache over their gash, but let's be honest, free drinks just taste better.

Sometimes, a girl just wants to have a quiet drink with a friend alone, and doesn't want to be bothered by some loser trying to buy her time -- but girls, a free drink from a loser is still a free drink. Plus, as I stated in Rule #1, how can you get into trouble if you're drinking alone?

So the next time you're about to order yourself a drink at the bar, instead:

• Make eye contact with someone at the bar. Sometimes a little eye contact is all the encouragement a guy needs.
• Wait until he orders then sidle up right next to him and say "I've been trying to get the bartender's attention all night!" Make sure you do it before the drinks are delivered so he can tack your order onto his.
• Sometimes a simple "Buy me a drink" does the trick. Trust me, that one has never failed.

*Extra points you get him to buy you top-shelf liquor.

Ok, so you've scored your drink, and now you've been cornered by a clinger. A dirty hot guy who is so your T just walked into the bar. How do you lose the loser so you can pounce on 6 feet of man meat?

Just remember to use one of my fave depraved excuses:

"I would totally fuck you but I just had an abortion this morning and I'm still bleeding like crazy!"

Happy hunting!

If picking up dudes were a sport, style points would be awarded for lying. Sure, it's not really necessary to lie to get a guy to sleep with you (a very truthful "let's fuck" would usually suffice) but it certainly makes things interesting.

For instance, I've told guys that I'm a professional dog walker, that I just got back from a tour in Iraq, that I'm partially blind after a boating accident from when I was 12 and that I used to have a full back tattoo of Tony the Tiger acquired on spring break in Mexico.

But I'm sure you, my depraved bitches, can come up with plenty more. Let's hear your best (or your worst) in the comments below!