If you wanna get the guy, you better be prepared to stay at the bar, the club, the party, even work until the bitter end. Because, as I said before, good dick is hard to find, and if you're not willing to put in the time, there'll be another bitch who will.

Once I was on a weekend stalkapalooza of my loser crush of the moment. After two straight days of drinking and hangovers, I finally found him Monday night at Bigfoot Lodge.

When I spotted him, he was chatting up this bitchy anorexic girl -- who, incidentally, had slept with two of my friends' boyfriends. She was looking at him like he was the one M&M she had for lunch, but I wasn't deterred. I stuck by his side as he ordered round after round, but Rex wasn't budging either. She matched me vodka tonic for vodka tonic. Now anyone who's ever had a drink with me knows I can't hold my liquor but I was damned if I was gonna lose a drinking competition to a 90-pound whore!

By last call, she was swaying and staggering, so I followed her to the bathroom where I bribed an alkie to hold the door shut, then I went out and told my crush she left with someone else. I was the last woman standing, so he ended up taking me home.

Sure, I puked in his bed and he kicked me out before the P went into the V, but at least I won!