I love my day job as a celebrity gossip blogger.

Where else do you get to mercilessly make fun of people who are better-looking, more successful, richer and (sometimes) more talented with not only no slushies thrown in your face but a quote in Us Weekly?

Sure, I'm going to hell, but if you didn't already notice from the numerous depraved stories below, I think only an anointment from Saint Angelina Jolie herself could have turned that around for me.

So basically, I'm being rewarded for being a cunt. It's like the tiny penis humiliation guy is paying me to make fun of him. (By the way, dude, your dick is tiny and your check is past due.)