How to Dress to Get Laid

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in How-To

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dresstogetlaid

Girls, time to ditch the push-up bra and trying-too-hard slut dress.   I live in Los Angeles, where things are decidedly more cazh, but I’ve found the outfit that makes me the most fuckable is a great pair of jeans and a tank that shows a generous amount of side boob, front boob, top boob or underboob.

Now, it’s not easy to find the perfect pair of jeans that makes my ass look perkier than a just-picked peach.  But Friday night I wore a pair from my friend’s new denim line, Schoen by Yu, (I was poured into The Ingenue, pictured above) and when I bent over to pick up my keys off the floor, the BF practically tore them off me, then tore into me.  I hadn’t felt his dick that hard since the new Star Wars movies were announced.  When we finished, I vowed then and there that the only time I would take off my favorite new pair of jeans would be sexy time.

And you can’t go wrong with a simple American Apparel tank over a lace bra.  My go-to is this tri-blend racer tank (I like to size up for ultimate side-boob action.)

P.S. If you want these amazing jeans at half the price, make a pledge on the official Schoen by Yu Kickstarter page!

Its The Weekend! Why Don’t You… Up Your Sexting Game

Posted by Rachel Hangover in Weekend Why Don't You

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sexting

In the digital world we live in, texting has become not only a necessity, but an art form.  In the digital dating world, sexting is no less a necessity, and if you’re not treating it like an art form, you’re doing it wrong.  Its fun, its easy, and it will get your guy so eager to get his hands on you that there will be no time for all that pesky ‘how was your day’ stuff.  And nothing makes a man more crazy than knowing that you’re thinking naughty thoughts about him while he is not with you.

I was in a long distance relationship for a while, so sexting became a major form of communication for us.  Thus, I consider myself somewhat of an expert.  The way I see it, there are three main forms of sexting, and you should master them all.

First, there is the BLUNT TEXT.  This is when you either, A) change the conversation to naughtiness, like so: shutupor B) when you start of the conversation by getting right down to it, like so: waking moment (The last one works best when they are just waking up or getting off work.)

Next, there is simple WORD PLAY…

Continue

Rule #57: A Guy Worth Fucking is Not Easily Fucked With

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Rules

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guyworthfucking

Ladies (and this rule applies to dudes as well), I know sometimes it’s fun to play the game.  To flirt, tease, neg, send him sexy snaps when you have no intention of following through.  But a guy worth fucking is not easily fucked with.

Case in point: D was my co-worker.  Rather, he was my co-worker’s assistant.  Super-hot, super-eager, super-young.  He flirted with me shamelessly but he was practically still a kid and my fuck card was filled at the time.  I treated him worse than a toy.  I treated him like a toy poodle.  But no matter what I did, he was still down.

One night when my fuck buddy flaked on me, I booty-texted my little puppy and told him I was coming over that night to finally seal the deal.  But I ended up going home with a rando from the bar instead.

The next day, he was still totally friendly, but the flirtatiousness had been shut down.  Completely.  No amount of snatchchats brought his interest back.  A few weeks later my co-worker (and his boss) ended up fucking him and said his cock, his technique, his attentiveness was an 11.  All these years later she’s still ruined for other peen because his is the dick she measures all other dicks by.  And no other guy has come close.  Sigh.

Word of the Day: WTF

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Word of the Day

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WTF (slang) abbreviation for “want to fuck.”  Not to be confused with “what the fuck.”

Example: “I’ve been texting this guy I wtf but nothing’s really happened so I think it’s time to send him a snatchchat.”

Don’t You Hate It When…

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in vagina

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bikini-line-shaving-oleksiy-maksymenko

…your date cancels and you realize NO ONE will be appreciating your perfectly-shaven vagina that night?

Sigh. If only guys knew how difficult it is to hunch over in the shower while simultaneously spreading your legs and holding your outer labia taut to get that perfectly smooth shave, I think they’d be a lot less likely to flake on us.

Perhaps I should look into laser hair removal…or maybe I should pick more reliable men?

Are You A Thrill-Fucker?

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in sex

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thrillfucker

Do you like to have sex in public places?

I never thought I was into thrill-fucking, mostly because I’m not into getting caught. But then I realized that I do love to engage in more than a little PDA: Public Displays of Ass.

SEX IN A PLANE:
Being inducted into the mile-high club usually takes place in a tiny plane bathroom — but have you ever done it right there in your seat? Fucking SARS foiled my favorite plane position when they took away the free blankets but next time bring your own, wait for the seatbelt sign to go off and then get off.

SEX IN A CAR:

My little Prius has seen more action than Roman Polanski at a sweet sixteen party. This is an all-time favorite of mine, I’ll do it in the backseat, in the front seat, parked in the parking lot of a mall or off the highway in the middle of the desert.

SEX IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM:

Although I have done it a few times before in the bathroom of a Thai food place (gross), and the Hotel Cafe, I continually fantasize about higher-end places to have sex in a public bathroom. My top two must-dos are the bathroom in the SLS hotel lobby (mirrors from floor to ceiling) and the frosted glass stalls at the co-ed Crunch Fitness bathroom.

SEX AL FRESCO:

I’ve come close but have never actually come outside, either on the beach or in the park. I really don’t want to wash sand out of my naughty parts for days and grass gives me a rash that my partner may suspect is the herp, so I tend to stay away from those two areas But if you’ve got a blankie, I say go ahead and get some spankie.

Where else have you tried/fantasized about sex in a public place? And how did it (or you) go off?

Just The Tip…Of The Week: Always Have Sexy Pics Ready To Send

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in sexpression, underwear

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I like sending guys lingerie-clad selfies, but if I’m dealing with some serious PMS bloat or I’m already in bed, I’m not about to spend ten minutes sucking it in while trying to snap the perfect pic of myself in the mirror. So what’s a girl to do in a pinch? Have a wealth of sexy stock photos saved away somewhere safe!

I like to have my one-woman photo shoots after a day at the pool and/or a week after I get my period because I always look five pounds skinnier then, and it’s always awesome when these two events coincide.  But most of the time guys want to see you bent over or striking a pose in a pair of lacy undies, and let’s face it — that shit doesn’t always happen in real time. I’d say half of the pics I send are actually taken that day/night — the other percentage come from the archive. Sorry boys! But at least I’m not recycling nudies — that’s majorly bad bedroom karma.

When I’m feeling motivated, I’ll pick out a few sets of hot lingerie and turn my bathroom into a studio while I go through all the key shots: front, back (with the phone held lower than your ass to make you look more like Kim Kardashian than Cameron Diaz), side, close up of cleavage and maybe a shot of me touching myself laying down.  It’s good to have options, and if you have a few in the same pink thong, most guys won’t even stop and think about the fact that you might have taken it two weeks earlier.

Just The Tip…Of The Week” comes to you via SINGLE GIRL PROBLEMS, where you can read more of Elisabeth’s ramblings about dating douchebags and sending sexy selfies.

Rule #56: Ditch Him If He Doesn’t Go Down On You Every Time

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in fuck, orgasms, sex, vagina

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The ONLY exceptions to this rule are:

a) if you have your period
b) if you have a yeast infection
c) if you’ve just had sex and you’re covered in lube/a mixture of both of your bodily fluids
d) if he has a cold sore

I think that just about covers it. Even if your booty call caught you off guard and you haven’t shaved your cooch in weeks, a guy should always be pulling your underwear off and going to town.

It’s an essential part of foreplay, so don’t ever let a guy make you think that him licking you is a “special” thing either. A “special” thing is him buying you a new Marc Jacobs bag or writing you a two page love note telling you you’re the woman he wants to marry. Oral sex is a turn on and it makes intercourse far more pleasurable, so if a guy isn’t doing it, it’s safe to say he doesn’t care about getting you off. And simply put, you shouldn’t be getting naked with someone who doesn’t want to make you come.

Of the handful of men I’ve slept with, I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum. There were a few guys who made it obvious that they LOVED licking me, but I was with one guy for two years who never once did it. EVER! I was young and stupid and didn’t realize that this unacceptable bedroom behavior, and though he redeemed himself when we rekindled our romance 7 years later, never again will I put myself in that position.

How to Deal With That One-Night Stand You Keep Bumping Into

Posted by Rachel Hangover in One-Night Stand

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Oh, fuck.  Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.  There he is again.  That GUY you fucked that one time.  Or was it two?  Three?  Oh, who’s counting?  Here he comes, with a bunch of his friends.   What do you do?  WHAT DO YOU DO???

*Ahem*

STEP 1:  Make eye contact.  Don’t pretend you didn’t see him.  That is some lame ass seventh grade shit and he can smell it.  If he doesn’t see you, then sweet, you don’t have to deal with it.  If he pretends not to see you, then sweet, he’s a douche and you never have to fuck him again.  But if he does see you…

STEP 2:  Smile.  Don’t do a fake cheesy newscaster smile.  Those never look good.  And don’t grin wildly with fear in your eyes.  Gah!  That’s the worst thing you can do.  Just give him a polite ‘oh, nice to see you smile’.  Nothing more, nothing less.  He will either
a) ignore you, and then he’s a douche- no worries, whatever.
b) smile back, and go about his business – cool, no harm, no foul
c) wave or make some other gesture, in which case you return said gesture, but no more, no less  OR
d) comes over to give you a hug and/or strike up a conversation
IF THIS HAPPENS, it means he had a good time fucking you and most likely wants to do it again…

STEP 3:  Play it cool.  Be nice.  Tell him its nice to see him and ask how he has been.  If he wants a hug, give it to him.  You already gave him your punanny, you can handle a goddamned hug.  He will either
a)  keep it short and sweet and go about his business and then, yay, that was nice.  Its always nice to run into nice people.  OR
b)  make himself comfortable and/or introduce you to his friends
IF THIS HAPPENS it means he DEFINITELY wants to fuck you again…

STEP 4:  Accept or decline.  If you choose to
a)  decline, be super sweet about it.  Be honest.  Tell him the real reason behind why you ‘can’t’ or why ‘tonight isn’t a good night’.  If you want to fuck him again, try to make plans for another time.  If you don’t, let him down gently. He’s obviously a sweet, solid, respectful dude for handling this situation this well so far…  BUT if you choose to
b) accept, then FUCK YEAH! Ride that baby boy like you did before and be all sorts of pleased with yourself about it.  You win!  You just turned a one night stand into a multiple night stand and maybe even a recurring fuck buddy. Congratulations, you are a boss bitch.  Now go get down with your bad self AND your new boy toy.  Cheers, you’ve earned it.

“Should I Still be F*cking My Ex?”

Posted by The Girl's Guide to Depravity in Ask a Depraved Bitch

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ex-sex

In this edition of “Ask a Depraved Bitch,” a reader wants to know if it’s cool to deja-fuck your ex.

So, here’s the problem: I’ve been fucking my ex, the very same asshole that broke my heart and dumped me two days before Christmas (after three years of going back and forth.)

Skipping the “he loves me, he loves me not” bullshit, basically I’m still fucking him.  I still have the keys to his house, I still spend weekends with my daughter at his place…I’ll even go and do his dishes or laundry while hes at work… what the fuck is wrong with me?! He is a douchebag! He’s selfish insensitive and cruel…but the sex is amazing and hes got this way of making me feel needed…

So my friend is soo fed up with my shit and set me up with a long time friend of hers who is a really nice, sweet gentleman… buuut I still want to fuck my ex.

My question(s) are: Do I have to tell either or both if them what’s going on? And should I still even be fucking my ex? Is this a sign he still wants to be with me or am I just his fuck-buddy?

Sincerely, a Desperate and Depressingly Depraved Dip-Shit.

Dear DDDD:

While ex-sex is always complicated (my last deja-fuck turned into a deja-relationship that ended up as a deja-breakup), you absolutely do not have to tell this new guy about the other dicks you’ve been fucking.  Nor do you have to disclose anything about Mr. Nice Guy (who, frankly, sounds like a pussy) to your fuck buddy.

You’re not explicitly exclusive to either of them, so get your freak on while you can.  Just make sure you keep your distance with your ex — no sleepovers, no weekend hangs with your daughter and no doing his dishes … Unless you’re doing them naked in 4-inch stilettoes while he watches with a hard-on.

xox