Dear 2009,

You really fucked me in the ass without any lube.

But last night I got wasted and had marathon sex with your younger brother, 2010. And I didn't even have to dress up like a Catholic priest to get him off.

Sure, he might turn out to be an even bigger douche than you, but at least this time I'll be ready. Because 2010 is all about getting fucked without getting screwed.

So long, assclown! Oh, and by the way, if your cell is blowing up with calls from the Scientology Center, I signed you up for Dianetics classes.

Kisses!

Heather