The Girl's Guide to Depravity

Meet Miss March, Hellin Heels, who might be the nastiest Depraved Girl of the Month yet!

NAME: Hellin Heels

AGE: 26

AREA OF SLUTSPERTISE: "The Scandalous Slut"

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT LAID?: "I fucked the farmers son on the back of his tractor. Made him keep the suspenders on this was last week. The scandalous, yet classy, slut sometimes has to disembark in to foreign territories in pursuit of pleasure. The farmers son was well worth the trip, I didn't even flinch when I pulled the hay out of my ass. I was still in a cock coma."

DEPRAVED RULE YOU LIVE BY: "Rule #3: Develop A Magic Pussy Duh!!!!!! Mine is platinum coated, just see my blog post, How to make your pussy scandal-rific!"

THE MOST DEPRAVED THING YOU'VE EVER DONE TO GET A GUY: "Sometimes putting on your most desirable skivvies and showing them what you have at all costs is key to getting a man to fuck you, unless he's gay and therefore, please read: Shoot the Piano Player!"

THE MOST DEPRAVED THING YOU'VE EVER DONE TO GET REVENGE ON A GUY: "I was dating this guy who I really liked and he dumped me for a blonde bimbo. So I decided to get my revenge on him by getting her to fall for me. It worked. She dumped him soon after and told me wanted to do the whole 'try bi thing.' I laughed and told her, I'm straight, dear."

You can read more about Hellin on her blog, The Hollywood Scandal.

Do you think you're depraved enough to be crowned Depraved Girl of the Month? Send me an e-mail at [email protected] along with a hot pic of yourself and your answers to the above questions and your dirty ass may just be featured on my blog!

Ladies, as you prepare for a depraved evening of drinking, slutting and screwing for St. Patrick's Day 2010, let me give you one piece of advice:

DON'T WEAR GREEN.

Today is the one day that by actually doing nothing, you'll attract more guys. Forget grabbing HIS ass, they'll be lining up to pinch YOU.

Hopefully on your nipples.

Happy hunting!

Jennifer Love Hewitt introduced us to "vajazzling" but now the good people of My New Pink Button are taking it a step further, offering vagina dye to "restore the pink" back to fading hoo-hahs.

The product bills itself as "a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia."

In other words, if you're rocking roast beef curtains, you can turn your beat meat back into pretty pink pussy lips.

Although the colors range from Marilyn ("Good for beginners who want to make a slight change fresh color change in their appearance or those who are very fair skinned") to Audry, the darkest of the dyes, My New Pink Button is pretty much for white chicks only. As one reviewer pointed out, "I do not match any of the youthful/pinkish tones on the packages of any of the dyes. Is there something wrong with me? No, I'm just not white!"

But when contacted about the omission of darker tones, the Button pushers simply replied "you shouldn't take this so seriously."

Because a product that may cause a burning sensation in your bush is nothing "serious!"

After about a month and a half of dating, I finally decided it was time to have "the talk" with my now-boyfriend.  I told him we needed to have a conversation and he gave me that look, you know, like I was about to take him to the vet to be neutered.

"I can't hold it in any longer," I told him.

"I think it's time we farted in front of each other."

"Like, right now?" he asked.  "Yes, be a gentleman and do it first," I said.

"But I don't have any gas."

"Try."

So he stood in front of me, ass out, cheeks spread, and pushed and pushed and pushed.  His face started turning red, but no fart.  Then suddenly, mid-push, he got this mortified look on his face and turned to run into the bathroom: he shit his pants.

I laughed so hard, I farted.