The Girl's Guide to Depravity

If you live in a big city like me, oftentimes you'll find yourself at a bar flirting with a guy who's got two full sleeves of tatts but knows all the words to Lady GaGa's latest single.  You're about to label him a queer when he leans over and bites you on your neck, turning your knickers into panty pudding.

So you exchange numbers and plan to meet up for a drink at a very straight bar the next week.  You spend way too much time and money picking out your look for the night -- you even vajazzle your vagina, hoping he'll be bedazzled enough to stick his peen in it.

But when you get there, he's brought someone else with him: His boyfriend.

Turns out you're on a gay date.  All that time and money you wasted when you could have just stayed home in your sweats and seen more action from your Jimmy Jane vibe.

That's why you've always got to assume they're bi until you get concrete proof that goes one way or the other (and no, a dvd collection that includes Mean Girls is not "proof!")

You can check his browser history (if Gaytube.com comes up, he's probably not straight) and look through all his Facebook friends but the only way to really know for sure is to ask him.  Of course, he could also be lying to you (and yourself) but at least you'll get laid while he figures it out!

Meet Miss February, Special K. She's so depraved that we had to keep her identity a secret to prevent her various boy toys getting wise to her whorish ways!

NAME: Special K

AGE: 31

AREA OF SLUTSPERTISE: Cock Tease

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX?: January 21st

DEPRAVED RULE YOU LIVE BY: When a man wants you he wants you, and he will do anything to get you.

THE MOST DEPRAVED THING YOU'VE EVER DONE TO GET A GUY: I had recently been dumped (shocking I know) by my longtime boyfriend, and I was having trouble getting back my mojo. A good friend of mine had met a fellow art student and convinced him to model nude for a private studio session. Being the serious artists that we were, we had plenty of box wine, music, and a video camera you know to keep things professional, as we documented a night of debauchery. Well the young model came to reveal one of this biggest dicks I ever seen to this day. Not one to shy away from a challenge I began to feel like my old slutbucket self and started flirting with him after polishing off half a box of wine. Halfway through the shoot we decided to paint him for artistic purposes of course. Fast forward to the end of the shoot model does a superb job and heads to the bathroom to shower. My inner slut gave me the confidence to walk into the bathroom uninvited while he showered. I could taste the dick as I pushed back the shower curtain and in my most seductive voice I asked if he needed any help getting clean. I hopped in the shower with him and went for the D, it was exhilarating to have a dick that big in my hands. That orgasm I had in the shower was just the trick I needed to get back being a true slut. An hour later I emerged from the shower with paint in my hair and a new level of slut appeared.

THE MOST DEPRAVED THING YOU'VE EVER DONE TO GET REVENGE ON A GUY: I had found out my boyfriend had cheated on me after I had stood through his Erectile dysfunction problems. To say I was pissed was an understatement. With the help of a good friend I went back to his apartment to retrieve my belongings or so I told him to gain access. He decided it would be better if he wasn't there...I started ransacking the apartment....my girlfriend being a law student advised me not to damage personal property as she did not have enough for bail. With rage in my eyes I came across his condom stash, then I had the bright idea...I found a safety pin and popped several little holes in all the condoms then I placed them back neatly were they belonged and hoped they did their trick. Then I went to his laptop hacked into his email account and sent a letter to his entire address book family, friends, co-workers, and professor explaining in detail his erectile dysfunction problem, the subject line read things you should know about a limp dick. Several years later we are still good friends and we occasionally have a good laugh.

Sounds like Special K has already mastered Rule #13: There's More Than One Way to Fuck a Man!

Although there are all kinds of ways to screw a guy in bed, the fucking I'm talking about has to do with his head.

That's right, girls. I'm talking revenge.

Let's say you've been dating this guy who is so your T (full sleeve of tatts, vintage car) for about two months. You've been inseperable since the night you dragged him back to your place after a bingeing on tequila at the Snakepit. It's getting serious enough to finally have "the talk" -- you know, where you agree that it's ok to fart in front of each other. Suddenly, he stops calling, won't return texts/tweets/e-mails. After a little investigation you find out HE'S HAD A GIRLFRIEND THE ENTIRE TIME! She just happened to be out of town when you two hooked up. And that fucker even told you he loved you! (Ok, it was after half a bottle of Jack and a hummer, but still!)

So, do you sit around crying to your girlfriends while watching the entire box set of Sex and the City on a loop? Or do you make HIM cry?

Obviously, I vote for the latter.

Fuck his car:

A D-bag loves nothing more than his car, so hit him in his figurative balls. You could go the Carrie Underwood route and mess with the outside of the car, or you could fuck up the inside. Some say it's a myth, but a friend of mine swears (from experience) that pouring sugar in a gas tank will fuck up the engine. Powdered sugar, sand and bleach with also mess that shit up. Now I'm not condoning this, as it IS illegal, so if you go this route, make sure you're ready for the consequences (i.e. take a sweater, jail is cold.)

Fuck his Facebook:


Wait until you know he'll be out at some loud club for the night and then have a really, really great friend leave this post on his wall. Then wait for the comments from his girlfriend and other hos to roll in.

Fuck his home:

The idiot is too stupid to remember that he told you where he keeps the hide-a-key. Use it to get in and then kidnap his cat like my friend L once did (she still has that pussy) or if you're really committed, you'll move (or remove) one item every week until he thinks he's going crazy.

Have you got a tale of depraved revenge? I'd love to hear it -- post it in the comments below!

Forget about Private Dicks, Depraved Girls make the best detectives.

It's a lot easier to nail a cheater or stalk your latest lust in the world of Facebook and Twitter when people broadcast their every little move 24/7, but what happens when he's blocked you?

Well, figuring out a guy's password is a lot easier than you think. Being the simple creatures that they are, men frequently use their names, favorite sports teams or even own phone numbers.

But if that doesn't work, my girl S. has figured out a way to get access to his phone records faster than a Pellicano wiretap. Wait until he's passed out drunk, then go to his cell service provider's website. Type in his phone number to "reset password" and wait for the text to come through on his phone. They text you the new password then voila! Instant access to all of his phone records. I can't tell you how many convos she had with hookers after calling the numbers he dialed frequently on "boys night out."

Hi-tech spying is good -- and effective -- but I prefer old-fashioned fuckery myself. Back in the day, my friend M. and I were the master of the threeway -- calling that is. I'd have her on mute as I called her cheating ex or her stalkee-of-the-month to grill him about his whereabouts. She'd IM me with specific questions so I'd know just what to ask to ellicit a desired response. Somehow, despite my 3 second delay, they never suspected.

But I've found that sometimes the most obvious spy shit is the most useful. Chances are your target has a hard-up friend who will gladly tell you everything you want to know for a night of bottomless PBRs.

Yes, I am referring to anal (great alternative to the vagina when you're on the first day of your period or have a three-day bangover), but this rule is not solely about butt sex.

Us Depraved Girls are always stirring up drama, so it's good to know -- in any situation -- where the back door is.

My girlfriend (we'll call her V) was after this dirty hot older guy for years, but whenever she was single, he had a girlfriend and vice versa. Well, about two weeks ago their relationship statuses aligned, and when she ran into him at The Echo, where he proceeded to engage in some hardcore flirting, she knew it was on. He invited her back to his house before the last band even went on. V had been indulging in a little nose candy that evening (of the coke variety) and her stomach was already gurgling, but she couldn't pass up the opportunity to get with the guy who was rumored to have a magic tongue.

When they got to his house, she immediately had to run to the bathroom. It was a window-less room, she told me, with no matches, air freshener or Glade plug-in in sight, but she was already prairie-dogging and had no choice. Needless to say, she took the biggest, stankiest coke dump in the history of womankind. It was so horrible that the smell in that small room almost made her add some puke to the already full bowl that would barely flush.

The stank was already beginning to waft down the hallway, so what did V do? She made sure the coast was clear before she hoofed it out the back door and never spoke to him again.

So when the Chyna-lookalike you threatened to punch in the vagina last week walks into the bar, when the guy you ditched to hook up with your latest lust turns up at the same party, or when your boss takes her lunch at Barney's on the day you called in sick to shop the sales, remember, there is ALWAYS a back door.