The Girl's Guide to Depravity

Yes, I am referring to anal (great alternative to the vagina when you're on the first day of your period or have a three-day bangover), but this rule is not solely about butt sex.

Us Depraved Girls are always stirring up drama, so it's good to know -- in any situation -- where the back door is.

My girlfriend (we'll call her V) was after this dirty hot older guy for years, but whenever she was single, he had a girlfriend and vice versa. Well, about two weeks ago their relationship statuses aligned, and when she ran into him at The Echo, where he proceeded to engage in some hardcore flirting, she knew it was on. He invited her back to his house before the last band even went on. V had been indulging in a little nose candy that evening (of the coke variety) and her stomach was already gurgling, but she couldn't pass up the opportunity to get with the guy who was rumored to have a magic tongue.

When they got to his house, she immediately had to run to the bathroom. It was a window-less room, she told me, with no matches, air freshener or Glade plug-in in sight, but she was already prairie-dogging and had no choice. Needless to say, she took the biggest, stankiest coke dump in the history of womankind. It was so horrible that the smell in that small room almost made her add some puke to the already full bowl that would barely flush.

The stank was already beginning to waft down the hallway, so what did V do? She made sure the coast was clear before she hoofed it out the back door and never spoke to him again.

So when the Chyna-lookalike you threatened to punch in the vagina last week walks into the bar, when the guy you ditched to hook up with your latest lust turns up at the same party, or when your boss takes her lunch at Barney's on the day you called in sick to shop the sales, remember, there is ALWAYS a back door.