The Girl's Guide to Depravity

So there seems to be a common misconception among guys out there.  And it has to do with length.

Once I had this friend over at my apartment to watch a movie.  Now when I say "friend" I mean "guy I wouldn't fuck unless he was the last man on earth and my vibrator was broken."

The DVD player in my living room was broken, so we had to watch it in the bedroom.  As soon as the credits finished rolling, he wrapped himself around me like a boa constrictor.

"I'm not going to fuck you," I said loudly, making sure he wasn't getting any XXX ideas.  "Don't worry, I don't want to fuck -- I just want to cuddle."

I obviously thought this was just his way of getting me in bed (after all, spooning leads to forking), but he seemed sincere.

"Ok, but the minute you pop wood, I'm kicking you out."  "Deal," he said.

So we lie there for about the entire first half of the movie -- and nothing.  No wood.  Not even a little chub.  I started to get pissed.  This had never happened to me before.  Who the hell is he not to get turned on by having his dick pressed against my ass?

So I turned off the movie and fucked him.

I know some of you depraved bitches like a little dirty talk during sex, but I prefer to hear only my man's moans in bed.

Course, not ALL sexpressions get you even wetter.  Some of the sounds guys make during sex are downright laugh-out-loud hilarious.

A few years ago, I was dating this Ecaudorian guy and once we finally stripped down to our chonies and hopped in bed, the sex was spicier than that burrito I ate one time in San Francisco that made me shit my pants.

But I digress.

I was on top, grinding away, and I could see his eyes start to roll back inside his head.  I knew he was close but I was totally unprepared for the sound that came out of his mouth.

In a high-pitched voice (like a girl's), he screamed:

"Aiiiii aiiiiiiiii aaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!"

Typing it doesn't even do it justice.  Lemme provide some aural aid (go to about the :56 mark):



So needless to say, I burst out laughing right in his face as he was cumming.

"What?" he asked me.

I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I said the first thing I could think of.  "Sorry, but whenever I'm about to cum, I giggle."

Soooo, yeah, the next three times we did it that night, he "Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-ed" and I giggled.  After about the fifth time, it was no longer funny.  So I told him I didn't like to sleep with Latin chicks and I kicked him out.

What's the weirdest thing you've heard a guy (or girl) say to you in bed?