The Girl's Guide to Depravity

I was at a wedding this weekend, and like a scene straight out of Wedding Crashers, someone stood up and gave a reading from Corinthians. You know -- "Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

I wanted to stand up and say bitch, please, that is NOT the love I know!

The love I know is a mean, jealous bitch. The kind of girl who will steal your boyfriend and post semi-naked photos of them together on Facebook and "accidentally" tag you in them. (True story.) The kind of bitch who will Carrie Underwood a guy's car if he even so much as glances in the direction of the hot bartender (even if he's just trying to order a drink!)

So this Paul dude's girl must have been a master at keeping her shit under wraps. Or he was on some biblical E trip when he wrote that letter to the Corinthians.

Did I ever tell you guys about the first time I kissed a girl?

I was 20 years old and living it up in Las Vegas with a fake ID. It was four in the morning, which meant my friends and I were just getting ready to pop our second E.

We were talking a rest from the raging clubs at one of those old school Vegas bars, (the one with the fire pits) when a girl came up to me and asked me if I knew what spots were hot that night.

She was petite and brunette, like me, but had something that I didn't and was mesmerized by: a tongue piercing. I told her I had no idea and she confessed that she had just asked me that because she wanted to talk to me. She then invited me to see her dance the next night (I couldn't believe this adorable alterna-chick was a stripper!) but unfortunately, we were leaving that afternoon.

Then the song "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes came on the jukebox. I know, gross, right?

"This is my favorite song to dance to," she said. "Do you mind if I give you a lap dance?"

She pulled a chair out and sat me down right there in the middle of the floor. She gave me the hottest, slowest and juiciest lap dance I've ever had, to this date.

When the song came to an end, SHE tipped ME. Clutching my fiver, I leaned over and gave her a kiss just as slow and wet as her lap dance.

I've never listened to "What's Up" the same way since.

Do you have a depraved tale of your first same-sex tongue wrestle? Kiss and tell in the comments below!

Men are dirty, despicable pigs. And if you're not giving it to him nice and nasty, there's a gay guy who is. He's the man your man is mouth-fucking when you're not looking.

I have a friend, we'll call him L., who just loves to prey on pent-up straight dudes who are too afraid to ask their women for exactly what they want in bed. My friend can spot one of these guys a mile away.

He innocently starts out by asking the guy if he has a girlfriend, then slowly steers the conversation towards sex. "What won't she do for you?" he asks, invariably getting the answer that the guy wants to pull your hair as you're going down on him or shove his entire nutsac in your mouth, or call you a filthy fucking whore as he's doing you from behind. That's when L. leans over to them and says "I'll give you the best blowjob of your life, and you can do anything you want to me."

You'd be surprised at how many allegedly "straight" guys go for this! After all, it's not gay if they're just getting sucked off, right?

So ladies, if you want your man to be satisfied in bed, I'd suggest you start opening your mind, opening your mouth and be prepared to get a little down and dirty with your guy.