The Girl's Guide to Depravity

I know it's hard to believe -- but men actually are good for one thing other than sex.

I consider myself a VIB -- a Very Independent Bitch. I can work a grill better than your dad. I can hook up an entire wireless entertainment system in my apartment without reading the instructions. I can pretty much do everything on my own except straight up fucking ... And a trip to Ikea.

So now that I'm getting it regular, I made my steady fuck make the dreaded trip to the big blue and yellow building to get me some cheap ass shit for my apartment.

As my guy was loading all those boxes into the back of his SUV, I noticed some poor solo bitch struggling to pack her Birkeland dresser and Hemnes mirror into her beat-up Toyota Camry.

But did I try to help her? Fuck no.

"B, come help this girl," I screamed, barely looking up from my textual conversation. So after he finishes shoving my stuff into his car, B. proceeded to help the girl load her car in. Then I made him help every other solo bitch in the place until all that was left were a bunch of families with kids who were screaming in another language.

So ladies, if the dick you’re currently attached to isn’t a complete tool, don’t be selfish — spread the wealth. Have him go over to your bff’s house to set up her new blu-ray player. Make him re-paint your gay’s foyer for the millionth time.

I'm not a complete douchebaguette. When he does these kinds of favors for my friends I always tip. And by "tip" I mean I let him play "just the tip" with his peen in my backdoor.

If you're a guy, you probably think "never" but ladies, there are some several valid reasons for pulling out of a verbal or implied agreement to knock boots.

1. Surprise body hair.

I once drove over 20 miles for a booty call, only to puss out on the cock once he pulled off his shirt and his body hair literally popped out like a can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls.

2. He doesn't know how to eat the puss.

If you're in stage 3 foreplay and the guy goes down like a dog licking peanut butter (i.e. sloppy and all over the place) it might be a preview of what he's gonna do with his peen. It's totally acceptable to get the fuck out of there before you spend the night having bad sex when your perfectly orgasmic vibrator is waiting for you at home.

3. You just fucking changed your mind.

Let's face it, cuntinis, we ARE women and we like to change our mind a gazillion times about what pair of shoes we're wearing out -- and those just go on our feet. Like my friend, Special K (yes, her) you may have found yourself feeling like you want to make a fuck out of a friend, until you get back to your place and it's all weird and shit. She cancelled the contract that night, but then had second thoughts. Sure, she's the one who aborted the fuck mission, but for all he knows she was bleeding out of her vag more than Charlie Sheen's nose after a bender. She texted him the next day but he never returned ... guess some guys just can't take rejection, even if it is temporary.