The Girl's Guide to Depravity

The overly gelled and sprayed look is so not hot anymore.  So how do you get sticky spoodge out of your hair when you've just had a quickie in your office/car/back alley and don't have immediate access to a shower?

1)  Just like you would if you had too much product in your hair, comb that shit out.  Obviously a comb or brush works best but fingers will do in a pinch, like if you just gave the cute mailroom guy a bj before heading into a meeting.  First try to comb through with your fingers, then just mash the hair around on top of your head until it all breaks apart.  It might get a bit beehive-ish  Pretend you're going for the Jersey pouf.

3) Leave it in and claim your baby just spit up on you.  Course this works best if you HAVE a baby.

2) Just like you did before you rubbed one out, spit on your hand and rub the cum out.  If your hair is long and the jizz is low, suck on the strands to get it out quicker.  Just don't swallow.  Unless you're into that sort of thing, although if there's spunk in your hair I'd guess not.

There are so many fabulous reasons why, when you're jonesing for some dick (or pussy, in the case of my guy friend), and they won't give it up that you should just up and fuck someone else.

1. It starts with an O and ends with you jizzing all over the bed (or couch/bathroom floor/back alley.)

This was really going to be the only reason, but some people just don't fuck for fuck's sake, so here's some more:

2.  Just like your target can smell your desperation, they'll also be able to smell the sex you're having, and you will therefore become more attractive to them.

3.  If you're totally creaming for some hot dude so hard that you can't think of anything else but his dick, jump aboard another guy's train to try to break the spell.  You may find your obsession is transferred to this new dick, but in some cases, it splits your attention down the middle and you no longer have the pit in your stomach every time your phone rings and it's not him.

I got one of these snotsuckers for my sick baby over the holidays.  For those who aren't familiar, if your baby's got a stuffy nose, you suck the snot out through the tube (they don't know how to blow it yet, duh!) and a little blue sponge at the bottom collects all the boogers so they don't go into your mouth.    The first time I sucked up some snot my boyfriend asked me if they make them for adults. 

He said he had a stuffy dick.

is to sell a shitload of these in 2012.

Click HERE to pre-order yours on Amazon.