The Girl's Guide to Depravity

It's very easy to see why a girl might fall for a bartender. Not only are they usually panty-moistengly hot, but it's their job to flirt with you and serve you alcohol. Sounds like the perfect guy, right?

WRONG!

A Depraved Girl doesn't let anything get in between her and her vodka. Trying to get it on with the guy who provides you with your liquid dinners only jeopardizes your relationship with alcohol in the future. And THAT is the relationship you really need to take care of.

I learned this the hard way when after accepting too many free vodka tonics from John at one of my local bars, I accepted his invitation to come home with him. The sex wasn't that memorable (truthfully, I can't remember much of ANYTHING from that night) but I thought the consummation of our bartender/alcoholic relationship meant free drinks for life!

Well, the next night, after I promptly stuck a suppository up my ass to stop the puking (yeah, that happened), I headed back to the bar to claim a little hair of the dog. (Free, of course.) I grabbed a bar stool, then grabbed his face and gave him a big wet kiss. I barely even noticed him recoiling in horror before ordering a bloody mary. Well, apparently, John had a Jane, and she was big and mean and wasn't afraid to use her man hands to issue me a beat down. Even though I had no idea he even had a girlfriend, and I didn't even start the fight, the owners were her pals and just like that, I was banned for life.

After years of drinking at the same place, suddenly I had to go find a new watering hole, and this time, I learned to keep my hole firmly shut to bartenders. I guess it helped that my new love -- I mean bartender -- was gay.

But girls, this rule isn't just for bartenders, it pretty much applies to all "help".

Personal trainers, hairstylists, accupuncturists, bank tellers -- They'll draw you in with their Axe body spray and the promise of free checking, but trust me, nothing in this town is free!